de Ioana C\u0103t\u0103lina Dorojan<\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/i><\/b><\/p>\n
\nPloaia c\u0103dea necontenit peste p\u0103m\u00e2ntul p\u0103curiu. Ropotul violent \u00eemi r\u0103suna \u00een urechi ca un ecou pierdut \u00een mrejele trecutului. M\u0103 str\u0103duiam s\u0103 respir \u00eens\u0103 nu reu\u015feam dec\u00e2t s\u0103 \u00eenghit un aer jilav, rece, s\u0103rat \u015fi mult prea sufocant. O durere crunt\u0103 \u00eemi despica fruntea \u00een timp ce \u00eemi \u00eenfigeam unghiile \u00een placajul rece din lemn care ne desp\u0103r\u0163ea. Lumea se \u00eenv\u00e2rtea cu mine ca \u00eentr-un joc al haosului. Din partea mea, totul putea s\u0103 se \u015fi termine chiar \u00een acel moment.<\/p>\n
\u2013 D\u0103-i drumul, Kate…<\/p>\n
\u00cendemnul m\u0103 cutremurase, ca o de\u015fteptare din somnul de veci. Dar \u00eenc\u0103 existam. Sim\u0163eam ap\u0103sarea din v\u00e2rfurile degetelor, vedeam urmele l\u0103sate de unghii pe lemn \u015fi auzeam murmurul ame\u0163itor al mul\u0163imii. Totul p\u0103rea un decor desprins dintr-un co\u015fmar, ca un scenariu sec pe care numai o minte bolnav\u0103 \u00eel putea concepe. \u015ei eu nu mai apar\u0163ineam acestei lumi absurde.<\/p>\n
\u2013 Hai, las\u0103-l…<\/p>\n
Da, eu existam, de\u015fi a\u015f fi renun\u0163at la asta \u00eentr-o clip\u0103. Totul din jur \u00ee\u015fi pierduse sensul, nimic nu mai p\u0103rea real. Tr\u0103iam un vis ur\u00e2t \u015fi nu \u015ftiam cum m-a\u015f putea trezi din el. T\u00e2rziu aveam s\u0103 aflu c\u0103 nu am cum. \u00cencercam s\u0103 \u00eemi opresc respira\u0163ia. \u00cen jur d\u0103inuiau priviri \u00eencerc\u0103nate, aplecate \u00eenspre p\u0103m\u00e2nt. \u015eoaptele erau uneori \u00eentrerupte de c\u00e2te un sc\u00e2ncet \u00eenfundat. \u00cempingeam unghiile din ce \u00een ce mai tare, incapabil\u0103 de a face altceva, fiind umilit\u0103 de propria-mi neputin\u0163\u0103. Disperarea \u00ee\u015fi \u00eencle\u015fta ghearele r\u0103p\u0103noase \u00een sufletul meu, complinindu-m\u0103 \u00eentr-un tremur sacadat. Un bra\u0163 \u00eemi sprijinea spatele, \u00eencerc\u00e2nd apoi s\u0103 m\u0103 \u00eendep\u0103rteze. M\u0103 aplecam cu \u00eend\u00e2rjire \u00een fa\u0163\u0103, opun\u00e2nd rezisten\u0163\u0103.<\/p>\n
\u00cen amintirile mele se derula un film f\u0103r\u0103 sunet, imagini \u015fterse ale unei alte vie\u0163i: strada pietruit\u0103, \u015fevaletul, camera ro\u015fie \u015fi ad\u00e2ncul nop\u0163ii. \u00cen zorii t\u00e2rzii, lini\u015ftea dimine\u0163ilor, sur\u00e2sul zilelor \u015fi c\u0103ldura pe care niciodat\u0103 nu aveam s\u0103 o mai cunosc.<\/p>\n
\u00cen jarul durerii am eliberat un \u0163ip\u0103t, venit parc\u0103 de pe cealalt\u0103 lume.<\/p>\n
\u2013 Nu! L\u0103sa\u0163i-m\u0103 cu el! L\u0103sa\u0163i-m\u0103 cu el! L\u0103sa\u0163i-m\u0103…<\/p>\n
\u015ei lumea \u00eentreag\u0103 se cutremura.<\/p>\n
Tot Universul se r\u0103sucea haotic \u00een mintea mea. Sim\u0163eam \u00een cap brazda ad\u00e2nc\u0103 a unei lovituri ca de secure. Apoi aceea\u015fi lam\u0103 aluneca mai jos, spintec\u00e2nd totul din mine \u00een mici buc\u0103\u0163ele crude \u015fi s\u00e2nger\u00e2nde. A\u015fteptam zadarnic ca totul s\u0103 se ispr\u0103veasc\u0103 \u015fi ca timpul s\u0103 se opreasc\u0103 \u00een loc. O m\u00e2n\u0103 m\u0103 tr\u0103gea deoparte. \u00centr-o ultim\u0103 sfor\u0163are, m\u0103 ag\u0103\u0163asem de una dintre funii, apoi totul din fa\u0163a ochilor se \u00eentunec\u0103, lumea sting\u00e2ndu-se \u00een r\u0103sunetul decep\u0163ionant al clopotelor.<\/p>\n
*<\/p>\n
R\u0103coarea a\u015fternutului m\u0103 dezmetici. \u00cemi sim\u0163eam ochii grei \u015fi aprin\u015fi \u00eentr-o ap\u0103sare dureroas\u0103. Draperiile \u00eeng\u0103duiau rev\u0103rsarea unei lumini plumburii \u015fi nu puteam s\u0103 \u00eemi dau seama dac\u0103 era diminea\u0163\u0103 sau sear\u0103. O can\u0103 de ceai z\u0103cea pe masa de l\u00e2ng\u0103 pat. Nu voiam s\u0103 m\u0103 ridic dup\u0103 ea. V\u00e2rfurile degetelor \u00eenc\u0103 m\u0103 dureau, c\u00e2teva unghii p\u0103r\u00e2nd a fi \u00eenvine\u0163ite. De ceva timp, \u00eens\u0103, realitatea nu mai exista pentru mine. Totul era o r\u0103m\u0103\u015fi\u0163\u0103, o ruin\u0103 din ceea ce \u00eensemnase odat\u0103 via\u0163a mea.<\/p>\n
Undeva, parc\u0103 din alte vremuri, auzeam u\u015fa sc\u00e2r\u0163\u00e2ind. Silueta lui str\u0103b\u0103tea camera, oprindu-se \u00een fa\u0163a \u015fevaletului. Cu m\u00e2necile c\u0103m\u0103\u015fii negre ridicate, cu pletele at\u00e2rn\u00e2ndu-i peste frunte, \u00eel vedeam tras\u00e2nd conturul unei schi\u0163e, cu mi\u015fc\u0103ri precise. Apoi ochii negri se \u00eentorceau \u00eenspre mine, c\u0103ut\u00e2nd parc\u0103 prin fiin\u0163a mea. Ochii aceia, cu lic\u0103rirea lor trist\u0103…<\/p>\n
\u2013 Darren…<\/i><\/p>\n
\u2013 Kate?<\/p>\n
\u00centreaga imagine se evapor\u0103 \u00een fa\u0163a mea ca un nor, l\u0103s\u00e2nd \u00een urm\u0103 un fum am\u0103rui, ca de fitil ars \u015fi smirn\u0103. \u00centindeam m\u00e2na dup\u0103 am\u0103girea care disp\u0103rea printre degetele mele.<\/p>\n
\u2013 Kate, te rog, revino-\u0163i! E a treia zi de c\u00e2nd nu te-ai ridicat din pat. Am pierdut deja num\u0103rul ceaiurilor pe care le-am aruncat. Vrei s\u0103 te \u00eemboln\u0103ve\u015fti din nou?<\/p>\n
\u00cen vocea lui Alice at\u00e2rna, greoaie, \u00eengrijorarea. Sora mea suferea \u015ftiindu-m\u0103 a\u015fa, dar eu nu puteam, prin firea mea, s\u0103 mai exist altfel. Trecutul refuza s\u0103 se a\u015fterne la locul s\u0103u, iar eu refuzam s\u0103 accept prezentul. Nu puteam suporta g\u00e2ndul c\u0103 eu acum apar\u0163ineam altei lumi dec\u00e2t el.<\/p>\n
Numai \u00een somn \u00eel mai puteam reg\u0103si. \u00cen fiecare noapte \u00eel c\u0103utam \u00een orice vis sau n\u0103luc\u0103, crez\u00e2nd c\u0103 astfel va fi din nou l\u00e2ng\u0103 mine. Dar de fiecare dat\u0103 c\u00e2nd m\u0103 prindea \u00een \u00eembr\u0103\u0163i\u015farea sa cald\u0103 \u015fi lini\u015ftitoare, totul se dizolva \u00een jurul meu, lep\u0103d\u00e2ndu-m\u0103, pierdut\u0103, \u00eentr-un a\u015fternut rece \u015fi umed. P\u00e2n\u0103 c\u00e2nd visele deveniser\u0103 din ce \u00een ce mai rare. C\u0103utam disperat\u0103 un somn ad\u00e2nc, care s\u0103 m\u0103 aduc\u0103 din nou l\u00e2ng\u0103 el, c\u0103utam amintiri pierdute, \u00eens\u0103 m\u0103 trezeam \u00eentr-un c\u00e2mp sterp f\u0103r\u0103 nimic \u00een jur, \u00een afara singur\u0103t\u0103\u0163ii care m\u0103 str\u00e2ngea \u00een bra\u0163ele ei dezolante.<\/p>\n
\u015ei eu nu apar\u0163ineam niciuneia dintre vie\u0163i.<\/p>\n
Refuzam s\u0103 \u00eemi caut lini\u015ftea \u00een lucrurile lume\u015fti. Soarele, lumina, r\u0103coarea dimine\u0163ilor \u015fi c\u00e2ntecul p\u0103s\u0103rilor \u00eemi erau acum str\u0103ine. Totul \u00eemi genera sc\u00e2rb\u0103 \u015fi nu vedeam rostul lor. Cei din jur deveneau f\u0103pturi efemere, r\u0103m\u0103\u015fi\u0163e f\u0103r\u0103 rost, aruncate \u00een voia sor\u0163ii. Draperiile trase \u00een dreptul geamurilor cl\u0103deau un zid \u00eentre mine \u015fi ceea ce se afla afar\u0103. O lume \u00een care nu mai voiam, vreodat\u0103, s\u0103 p\u0103\u015fesc.<\/p>\n
Greutatea somnului devenea, pe zi ce trece, din ce \u00een ce mai dificil de suportat. M\u0103 trezeam agitat\u0103, obosit\u0103, \u015fterg\u00e2ndu-mi broboanele de sudoare care picurau reci pe fruntea mea. Priveam \u00een gol, c\u0103ut\u00e2nd s\u0103 \u00eemi amintesc fragmente din vis sau g\u00e2nduri pierdute. Nu mai g\u0103seam nimic \u00een afara unei r\u0103ni negre, ad\u00e2nci, care p\u0103rea s\u0103 \u00eemi strige numele, ca un abis al durerii.<\/p>\n
*<\/p>\n
\u00centr-una dintre nop\u0163i m-am trezit din zbuciumul visului pentru a m\u0103 reg\u0103si \u00eentr-o stare ce nu \u00eemi era familiar\u0103. Orice sunet, orice g\u00e2nd pe care \u00eel aveam se afunda \u00eentr-o t\u0103cere absolut\u0103. U\u015furin\u0163a cu care m-am ridicat din pat m-a n\u0103ucit, pentru c\u0103 nu \u00eemi mai sim\u0163eam corpul. \u00centunericul nop\u0163ii domnea \u00een jurul meu, iar eu eram slujitoarea lui. Camera mea era aceea\u015fi, diferit fiind poate doar conturul mobilei \u2013 u\u015for difuz, ca un desen neispr\u0103vit \u2013 \u015fi \u00een jur plutind aburi colora\u0163i \u00een nuan\u0163e violacee, care p\u0103reau s\u0103 \u00eenconjoare tavanul. Am p\u0103\u015fit prin aer \u00een acest fundal stins, t\u0103cut, lipsit parc\u0103 de materie. Apropiindu-m\u0103 de geam, am sim\u0163it brusc cum sunt tras\u0103 \u00eenapoi ca de o coard\u0103 elastic\u0103, pentru a deschide apoi ochii \u015fi a m\u0103 reg\u0103si \u00een patul meu, lumea de mai devreme r\u0103m\u00e2n\u00e2nd o n\u0103luc\u0103.<\/p>\n
Nimic din ce am sim\u0163it sau tr\u0103it p\u00e2n\u0103 atunci nu s-a asem\u0103nat cu starea aceea. Acel timp \u015fi spa\u0163iu au avut ceva aparte. T\u0103cerea, bezna, vaporii colora\u0163i, totul a fost nou. Nu l-am putut numi vis, dar nici realitate nu a fost. Nu am putut percepe nimic material \u00een jur, \u00een afara acelei coarde care m\u0103 tr\u0103gea \u00eenapoi spre trezire ori de c\u00e2te ori \u00eencercam s\u0103 alunec mai departe. Cu timpul, \u00eens\u0103, oprimarea s-a diluat. Am \u00eenceput s\u0103 studiez \u00eentunericul din afara casei, o lume afundat\u0103 \u00een obscuritate, o lume distorsionat\u0103, plin\u0103 de h\u0103uri, luminat\u0103 vag numai de acei vapori colora\u0163i, de o consisten\u0163\u0103 nefireasc\u0103. Am recunoscut \u00eemprejurimile, de\u015fi toate aveau alt\u0103 form\u0103. Am p\u0103\u015fit, prin aer, \u00eentr-un loc unde nu exista zgomot, c\u0103ldur\u0103 sau r\u0103coare, fericire sau durere. Doar t\u0103cere, \u00eentuneric \u015fi ve\u015fnicie.<\/p>\n
\u00cen c\u0103ut\u0103rile mele, m-am reg\u0103sit deseori sihastr\u0103, \u00eencadrat\u0103 de pere\u0163i invizibili, rigizi, \u00eens\u0103 c\u0103rora nu le-am putut vedea conturul. Curiozitatea m-a \u00eempins s\u0103 caut, \u00een col\u0163urile casei, r\u0103m\u0103\u015fi\u0163e ale vie\u0163ii mele de alt\u0103dat\u0103. Voiam s\u0103 g\u0103sesc ceva, orice, care s\u0103 m\u0103 aduc\u0103 \u00eenapoi l\u00e2ng\u0103 el. Urc\u00e2ndu-m\u0103 prin<\/i> podeaua mansardei, \u00een atelierul lui Darren, m-am sim\u0163it, brusc, fr\u00e2nat\u0103. Coarda tremur\u00e2nd\u0103 a p\u0103rut s\u0103 m\u0103 previn\u0103, f\u0103r\u0103 s\u0103 m\u0103 mai trag\u0103 \u00eenapoi. Intrigat\u0103, m-am uitat \u00een jurul \u00eenc\u0103perii.<\/p>\n
Pere\u0163ii \u00eenclina\u0163i formau un \u201eV\u201d nedefinit \u00een mijlocul tavanului iar cutiile de vopsea p\u0103reau s\u0103 alunece inert pe podeaua u\u015for \u00een pant\u0103. Aburii u\u015for ro\u015fiatici luminau slab umbrele din jur.<\/p>\n
\u00centr-un col\u0163 al atelierului, am z\u0103rit o form\u0103 vag\u0103, asem\u0103n\u0103toare unui corp inert care privea \u00eenspre unul dintre pere\u0163i. \u00cencerc\u00e2nd s\u0103 m\u0103 apropii, am sim\u0163it din nou cum coarda \u00eencerca s\u0103 m\u0103 trag\u0103 \u00eenapoi, pierz\u00e2ndu-\u015fi \u00eens\u0103 din putere. \u00cen \u00eend\u00e2rjirea mea, am for\u0163at \u00eentinderea singurului lucru care m\u0103 mai \u0163inea legat\u0103 de realitate. Un sunet gol m-a oprit. Apoi, \u00eenconjurat\u0103 de g\u00e2nduri pe care p\u00e2n\u0103 atunci nu le-am putut avea, m-am descoperit pe mine: imaterial\u0103, r\u0103t\u0103cit\u0103 definitiv de lumea \u00een care eram readus\u0103 de fiecare dat\u0103. Cu toate acestea, nu am putut reg\u0103si \u00een mine vreo urm\u0103 de regret. Totul fusese pierdut cu mult timp \u00een urm\u0103, cu prima m\u00e2n\u0103 de p\u0103m\u00e2nt aruncat\u0103 \u00een acea groap\u0103 din care nimic nu mai avea s\u0103 se \u00eentoarc\u0103.<\/p>\n
\u00cendrept\u00e2ndu-mi privirea spre col\u0163ul \u00eenc\u0103perii, am \u00eenceput s\u0103 urm\u0103resc silueta, apropiindu-m\u0103 u\u015for de ea. Nu am putut sim\u0163i frica sau curiozitatea pe care le-a\u015f fi cunoscut \u00een via\u0163a material\u0103, \u00eens\u0103 o u\u015foar\u0103 nelini\u015fte a p\u0103rut s\u0103 m\u0103 tulbure. Aceasta p\u0103rea afundat\u0103 \u00eentr-un somn ad\u00e2nc sau pierdut\u0103 \u00eentr-o alt\u0103 lume. \u00cen profunzimea \u00eentunericului, m-am l\u0103sat purtat\u0103 u\u015for, \u00eentorc\u00e2ndu-m\u0103 spre chipul Umbrei. \u015ei nu am putut s\u0103 m\u0103 opresc, p\u00e2n\u0103 \u00een clipa \u00een care nimicul din jur a devenit o tortur\u0103 de ne\u00eendurat. Lacuna din ochii ei lucea ad\u00e2nc, ca o chemare \u00een abis, \u00eentr-o lume care ad\u0103postea sufletele pierdute \u015fi alungate. I-am strigat numele cu disperare, \u00eens\u0103 nici m\u0103car eu nu \u00eemi puteam auzi glasul. El nu s-a mi\u015fcat, p\u0103r\u00e2nd s\u0103 nu m\u0103 vad\u0103.<\/p>\n
Am z\u0103cut, sf\u00e2\u015fiat\u0103, l\u00e2ng\u0103 umbra lui, rug\u00e2ndu-m\u0103 \u00een zadar ca pentru m\u0103car o clip\u0103 s\u0103 se uite la mine. Ochii s\u0103i priveau \u00een gol, absent \u015fi f\u0103r\u0103 via\u0163\u0103. Aduc\u00e2ndu-m\u0103 \u00een fa\u0163a lui, vedeam cum chipul nu \u00eei tr\u0103da nicio expresie, totul din el fiind stins. Am z\u0103bovit parc\u0103 o via\u0163\u0103 \u00eentreag\u0103 uit\u00e2ndu-m\u0103 \u00een ochii negri, contempl\u00e2nd privirea pierdut\u0103. Am \u015ftiut c\u0103, de data asta, nimic nu se va mai termina vreodat\u0103. \u00cen lumina slab\u0103 a privirii sale juca o lucire stranie, ca o poart\u0103 c\u0103tre alt\u0103 lume. Am putut z\u0103ri, ca printr-un tunel, \u00een str\u0103fundul amintirilor sale.<\/p>\n
*<\/p>\n
Deschiz\u00e2nd ochii, o lumin\u0103 puternic\u0103 m-a l\u0103sat pentru c\u00e2teva clipe f\u0103r\u0103 vedere. \u00cen fa\u0163\u0103 d\u0103inuia un c\u00e2mp verde cu o poian\u0103 al\u0103turi. M\u0103 aflam pe bolta unei biserici, \u0163iglele cenu\u015fii r\u0103sun\u00e2nd metalic sub greutatea mea. Totul \u00eemi p\u0103rea nou \u015fi totu\u015fi cunoscut. \u00cen dep\u0103rtare, la umbra copacilor, dou\u0103 siluete st\u0103teau a\u015fezate \u00een iarb\u0103, un \u015fevalet al\u0103turi. Auzeam r\u00e2sete \u015fi dou\u0103 glasuri, din care recuno\u015fteam doar unul: pe al lui. Cu inima str\u00e2ns\u0103, m\u0103 apropiam, f\u0103r\u0103 s\u0103 realizez, de cei doi. Chipul ei, \u00eencadrat de bucle blonde, radia la fiecare cuv\u00e2nt al lui Darren. El, cucerit de z\u00e2mbetul fetei, \u00eei prindea o floare de c\u00e2mp dup\u0103 ureche. Nu le puteam \u00een\u0163elege cuvintele, iar ei nu m\u0103 puteau vedea pe mine. Sim\u0163eam \u00eens\u0103 cum totul se \u00eenv\u00e2rtea \u00een jurul meu, r\u0103sucindu-se precum un cu\u0163it \u00een ran\u0103. Oprindu-mi ochii asupra \u015fevaletului, am putut realiza de ce peisajul \u00eemi era cunoscut.<\/p>\n
Rosewood, ultimul s\u0103u tablou…<\/i><\/p>\n
Pe iarb\u0103 z\u0103ceau schi\u0163e ale portretului ei, scrisori \u00eempr\u0103\u015ftiate \u015fi un buchet de trandafiri albi. Sub una dintre schi\u0163e puteam citi: \u201eRose, nu vreau s\u0103 tr\u0103iesc f\u0103r\u0103 tine\u201d. Brusc, imaginea din fa\u0163a ochilor deveni \u00eence\u0163o\u015fat\u0103, l\u0103s\u00e2ndu-m\u0103 s\u0103 v\u0103d fragmente \u015fi umbre \u015fterse dintr-o alt\u0103 amintire a lui, ultima: biletul de adio destinat ei \u015fi mirosul \u00een\u0163ep\u0103tor al otr\u0103vii care \u00eel r\u0103pusese. \u00cencerc\u00e2nd s\u0103 m\u0103 adun, m-am ag\u0103\u0163at de trupul lui \u00een c\u0103dere, pentru a m\u0103 trezi \u00eenapoi \u00een atelierul \u00eentunecat, \u00eembr\u0103\u0163i\u015f\u00e2nd aerul rece \u015fi gol care \u00eei forma umbra.<\/p>\n
Un \u0163ip\u0103t chinuitor se r\u0103sfr\u00e2ngea \u00een mine, iar eu \u00eencercam s\u0103 nu m\u0103 pierd definitiv. De\u015fi totul acum era apus pentru totdeauna. Golul p\u0103rea s\u0103 sune ca un tunet distan\u0163at \u015fi vedeam, \u00een jurul meu, un \u00eentuneric f\u0103r\u0103 sf\u00e2r\u015fit, \u00eentinz\u00e2ndu-se \u00een nemurire, ca o noapte infinit\u0103, f\u0103r\u0103 lun\u0103 \u015fi stele.<\/p>\n
Nu a\u015f putea spune c\u00e2t timp a durat nebunia. C\u00e2te ore, zile sau ani, \u00eentruc\u00e2t fiecare clip\u0103 \u00eemi p\u0103rea o ve\u015fnicie \u015fi un neant \u00een acela\u015fi timp.<\/p>\n
*<\/p>\n
Am h\u0103l\u0103duit prin negur\u0103 o vreme, <\/i>c\u00e2t mi-a fost l\u0103sat s\u0103 fie. Un abur purpuriu m-a atras undeva \u00een ad\u00e2ncul Nimicului \u015fi, \u00eempins\u0103 ca de o m\u00e2na c\u0103l\u0103uzitoare, am \u00eenaintat.<\/p>\n
\u015eindrilele unui acoperi\u015f au fost primul meu obstacol. O cas\u0103 \u00eenalt\u0103, din piatr\u0103, a c\u0103rei pere\u0163i mi-au ars fiecare atingere, m-a chemat precum flac\u0103ra unei lum\u00e2n\u0103ri cheam\u0103, spre s\u0103v\u00e2r\u015fenie, zborul unei molii. Un vuiet scurt m-a adus \u00eentr-o \u00eenc\u0103pere mare, cu pere\u0163i albi, str\u0103lucitori, podeaua din lemn fiind acoperit\u0103 de covoare persane. Fo\u015fnetul unor pa\u015fi u\u015fori mi-a ridicat privirea, ivind \u00een fa\u0163a mea o siluet\u0103 feminin\u0103, \u00eenalt\u0103 \u015fi zvelt\u0103. Trupul acoperit de o rochie din damasc ivoar, ce l\u0103sa prea mult prad\u0103 vederii, se mi\u015fca \u00een direc\u0163ia unui cuf\u0103r imens din partea cealalt\u0103 a camerei. Chipul, pudrat \u015fi pictat atent, p\u0103rea al unei p\u0103pu\u015fi f\u0103r\u0103 suflet. Ochii \u00eei erau goi, nu gr\u0103iau nimic, \u015fi din u\u015furin\u0163a cu care au trecut pe l\u00e2ng\u0103 mine, am \u00een\u0163eles c\u0103 nici nu puteau s\u0103 m\u0103 z\u0103reasc\u0103.<\/p>\n
Primele icniri ale nebuniei le-am sim\u0163it \u00een clipa \u00een care am recunoscut chipul din amintirea lui. \u00cen mine vibrau ura \u015fi dezn\u0103dejdea, \u015fi tremuram la fiecare peisaj care mi se aprindea scurt \u00een memorie. Durerea r\u0103nii pulsa frenetic \u015fi boala psihic\u0103 mocnea ad\u00e2nc \u00een mine. Cu toat\u0103 puterea, m-am \u00eendreptat \u00een direc\u0163ia ei, voind s\u0103 o nimicesc a\u015fa cum \u015fi ea distrusese totul.<\/p>\n
M-am trezit c\u0103zut\u0103 pe podea, cu o senza\u0163ie de ame\u0163eal\u0103, de incon\u015ftien\u0163\u0103, \u015fi cu o durere de cap insuportabil\u0103. Privind \u00een jur, am z\u0103rit falduri albe r\u0103sp\u00e2ndite pe covor \u015fi o m\u00e2n\u0103 str\u0103in\u0103 care acum era a mea. Am mi\u015fcat, unul c\u00e2te unul, degetele care nu \u00eemi apar\u0163ineau, sim\u0163ind, \u00een acela\u015fi timp, o \u00eenghesuial\u0103 \u015fi ap\u0103sare necunoscute pentru mine. \u00cenaintea ochilor, cuf\u0103rul din lemn, cu \u00eencrust\u0103ri av\u00e2nd motive florale, z\u0103cea ca martor tacit al faptei. Ea <\/i>unde disp\u0103ruse? R\u0103t\u0103cirea mea a fost de scurt\u0103 durat\u0103, realiz\u00e2nd singur\u0103 starea \u015fi panica, \u00eentreb\u00e2ndu-m\u0103 dac\u0103 ceea ce sim\u0163eam \u00eemi apar\u0163inea sau nu. Izbind cu m\u00e2na de capacul metalic al cuf\u0103rului, am tres\u0103rit, durerea loviturii r\u0103sun\u00e2ndu-mi p\u00e2n\u0103 \u00een centrul fiin\u0163ei. Dar \u0163ip\u0103tul nu \u00eemi apar\u0163inea, cum nu era al meu nici s\u00e2ngele care \u00eencepuse s\u0103 \u00ee\u015fi fac\u0103 loc pe pielea alb\u0103 a m\u00e2inii.<\/p>\n
M-am ridicat, \u00een febra demen\u0163ei, arunc\u00e2ndu-m\u0103 asupra unui candelabru \u00eencins, \u00eenfior\u00e2ndu-m\u0103 la durerea cauteriz\u0103rii, \u0163intind apoi un dulap col\u0163uros din lemn, o vitrin\u0103, rama \u015femineului \u015fi orice obiect sau perete care mi-a stat \u00een cale. S\u00e2ngele picta albul pere\u0163ilor \u015fi al rochiei \u015fi lingoarea smintirii p\u0103rea s\u0103 m\u0103 cuprind\u0103 din ce \u00een ce mai mult. \u015ei durerea nu era a mea, cum nu fuseser\u0103 nici pl\u0103cerea \u015fi nici via\u0163a. M-am oprit apoi \u00een fa\u0163a oglinzii, chipul str\u0103in privind odat\u0103 cu mine rochia pictat\u0103 acum \u00eentr-un ro\u015fu s\u00e2ngeriu, smocurile de p\u0103r arse, t\u0103ieturile \u015fi leziunile: o capodoper\u0103 a grotescului, o reflexie sublim\u0103 a supliciului. Am putut citi oroarea din ochi. Am putut s\u0103 o simt<\/i>, s\u0103 o ating<\/i>. \u015ei pentru o clip\u0103 am putut vedea, undeva \u00een spate, chipul meu: ochii pierdu\u0163i, cu o lic\u0103rire trist\u0103, \u00eendoliat\u0103, cu orice speran\u0163\u0103 pierdut\u0103, av\u00e2nd brazdele lacrimilor ad\u00e2nc \u00eenfipte \u00een obraji \u015fi s\u00e2ngele, consumat cu l\u0103comie, pict\u00e2ndu-mi conturul gurii. Trupul str\u0103in a fost martor la scurta mea ivire, ceea ce i-a st\u00e2rnit \u015fi mai mult groaza. \u00cen lini\u015ftea fiin\u0163ei, am putut auzi insuportabilul ecou: b\u0103t\u0103ile rapide, ritmice, oribile, dezgust\u0103toare, ale inimii ei.<\/p>\n
Pentru o frac\u0163iune de secund\u0103 ochii str\u0103inei s-au m\u0103rit, iar gura a eliberat un sunet surd, \u00eenfundat, un postludiu al imploziei \u015fi dovad\u0103 a sf\u00e2r\u015fitului. Trupul s-a pr\u0103bu\u015fit greoi, totul devenind apoi t\u0103cut. Pulsul a disp\u0103rut \u015fi nimic nu mai tulbura lini\u015ftea din jur. Apoi m-am putut vedea, \u00een fa\u0163a oglinzii, pe mine, cea care devenisem: umbra \u00eennebunit\u0103, fantasma pierdut\u0103 \u00een propria suferin\u0163\u0103.<\/p>\n
\u015ei totul din urm\u0103 s-a pref\u0103cut \u00een nimic.<\/p>\n
Deodat\u0103, greutatea trupului ei a disp\u0103rut, gheara \u00eencol\u0103cit\u0103 \u00een jurul meu p\u0103r\u00e2nd s\u0103 se topeasc\u0103, eliber\u00e2ndu-m\u0103 din str\u00e2nsoarea care m\u0103 r\u0103pusese.<\/p>\n
*<\/p>\n
M\u0103 \u00een\u0103l\u0163am inert\u0103 \u00eenspre tavanul \u00eenc\u0103perii. Plutind deasupra scenei, puteam vedea carcasa nemi\u015fcat\u0103, \u00eens\u00e2ngerat\u0103 \u015fi goal\u0103, a creaturii care \u00eemi adusese at\u00e2ta suferin\u0163\u0103. Somnul \u00eemi alina ultimele sim\u0163uri, \u00een timp ce o for\u0163\u0103 nev\u0103zut\u0103 m\u0103 leg\u0103na ca \u00eentr-un c\u00e2ntec de adormit copiii.<\/p>\n
Uit\u00e2ndu-te \u00eenapoi la cursul vie\u0163ii realizezi, \u00een final, c\u0103 nimic nu este definitiv. Totul este efemer, totul \u00ee\u0163i poate aluneca printre degete \u00een orice moment al existen\u0163ei tale. Fiecare siguran\u0163\u0103 te \u00eempov\u0103reaz\u0103 ca sclav al propriei tale limit\u0103ri \u015fi oric\u00e2t de mult te-ai str\u0103dui s\u0103 \u00ee\u0163i schimbi condi\u0163ia \u015fi destinul, numai dou\u0103 lucruri r\u0103m\u00e2n sigure: \u00eenceputul \u015fi sf\u00e2r\u015fitul.<\/p>\n
\u00cen casa t\u0103cerii, lini\u015ftea \u00ee\u015fi url<\/i>a durerea.<\/i><\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
de Ioana C\u0103t\u0103lina Dorojan \u00a0 Ploaia c\u0103dea necontenit peste p\u0103m\u00e2ntul p\u0103curiu. Ropotul violent \u00eemi r\u0103suna \u00een urechi ca un ecou pierdut \u00een mrejele trecutului. M\u0103 str\u0103duiam s\u0103 respir \u00eens\u0103 nu reu\u015feam dec\u00e2t s\u0103 \u00eenghit un aer jilav, rece, s\u0103rat \u015fi mult prea sufocant. O durere crunt\u0103 \u00eemi despica fruntea \u00een timp ce \u00eemi \u00eenfigeam unghiile […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1005,15],"tags":[1165,1009,1115],"class_list":["post-10061","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-egophobia-39-40","category-proza","tag-egophobia-39-40","tag-ioana-catalina-dorojan","tag-proza"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6DakB-2Ch","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10061","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=10061"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10061\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":10062,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10061\/revisions\/10062"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=10061"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=10061"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=10061"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}