de Anastasia Fuioag\u0103<\/p>\n
Stau pe acoperi\u015ful acestui bloc mizer \u015fi privesc puzderia de oameni de jos. Seaman\u0103 cu o pat\u0103 mi\u015fc\u0103toare \u015fi monoton\u0103. To\u0163i au figurile plictisite \u015fi mohor\u00e2te. De multe ori am aceea\u0219i senza\u0163ie: c\u0103 to\u0163i arat\u0103 la fel, c\u0103 nu este nicio diferen\u0163\u0103 substan\u0163ial\u0103 \u00eentre un ins \u015fi altul. Uneori m\u0103 deprim\u0103 uniformitatea asta; vreau ceva interesant, diferit, care s\u0103 ias\u0103 din tipar, lucru care se \u00eent\u00e2mpl\u0103 \u00eens\u0103 foarte rar. Pe de alt\u0103 parte, m\u0103 consoleaz\u0103 g\u00e2ndul c\u0103 eu nu fac parte dintre ei, c\u0103 nu apar\u0163in umanit\u0103\u0163ii \u0103steia mediocre. Sunt deasupa lor, pot s\u0103 \u00eei controlez, pot s\u0103 \u00eei omor sau s\u0103 \u00eei cru\u0163. \u00cemi e mil\u0103 de neputin\u0163a \u015fi infantilitatea lor \u015fi \u00een aceela\u015fi timp m\u0103 dezgust\u0103 g\u00e2ndul c\u0103 am fost ca ei la un moment dat. Partea bun\u0103 e ca sunt foarte pu\u0163ine lucruri pe care mi le amintesc din acea perioad\u0103; totul e destul de vag \u015fi \u00eence\u0163o\u015fat. \u00cen minte mi-au r\u0103mas doar diferite cadre aproape \u015fterse, imagini neclare, acoperite parc\u0103 de praf. \u00centr-un fel, simt c\u0103 fac parte din mine, \u00eens\u0103 nu le pot da o form\u0103, nu sunt \u00een stare s\u0103 le con\u015ftientizez \u00een esen\u0163a lor. Am momente \u00een care m\u0103 apuc\u0103 o nostalgie aproape inexplicabil\u0103 dup\u0103 ele; mi-a\u015f dori s\u0103 m\u0103 pot \u00eentoarce din c\u00e2nd \u00een c\u00e2nd, s\u0103 le pot vizualiza. S\u0103 pot sim\u0163i ce tr\u0103iam pe c\u00e2nd eram om \u015fi s\u0103 compar acele experien\u0163e cu cele de acum. Am desigur \u015fi momente \u00een care oamenii mi se par at\u00e2t de odio\u015fi \u00eenc\u00e2t a\u015f putea face o anihilare \u00een mas\u0103. De obicei c\u00e2nd am astfel de impulsuri de a renega rasa uman\u0103 m\u0103 g\u00e2ndesc c\u0103 de acolo m\u0103 trag \u015fi eu, c\u0103 datorez mai mult sau mai pu\u0163in existen\u0163a mea acelor oameni infirmi.<\/p>\n
Nu-mi amintesc cum ar\u0103ta mama: dac\u0103 era \u00eenalt\u0103 sau scund\u0103, blond\u0103 sau brunet\u0103. N-am habar ce fel de caracter avea. \u015etiu c\u0103 \u00een copil\u0103rie mi-a murit tat\u0103l. Din adolescen\u0163\u0103 singurul lucru pe care-l \u0163in minte e c\u0103 eram diferit de ceilal\u0163i, dar \u00eentr-un sens peiorativ din punctul lor de vedere, de\u015fi nu cred c\u0103 mi-a p\u0103sat prea mult. Nu reu\u015fesc niciodat\u0103 s\u0103 reconstruiesc o anumit\u0103 \u00eent\u00e2mplare \u00een memoria mea din acea perioad\u0103; e doar o amestecatur\u0103 de imagini \u015fi culori. \u00cen una era mama pl\u00e2ng\u00e2nd \u00een genunchi \u2013 la morm\u00e2ntul tatei presupun. P\u0103m\u00e2ntul era de un verde \u00eenchis, putrezicios, iar cerul de un gri greu \u015fi sufocant. Alteori \u00eemi amintesc doar sunete \u015fi rareori melodii; astea sunt cel mai greu de suportat pentru c\u0103 nu le pot lega de ceva anume, apar din neant \u015fi \u00eemi zg\u00e2r\u00e2ie mintea.<\/p>\n
Nu \u015ftiu dac\u0103 am iubit vreodat\u0103 pe cineva cu adev\u0103rat, dac\u0103 am sim\u0163it acest tip de afec\u0163iune fa\u0163\u0103 de o persoan\u0103. Uneori \u00eemi pare r\u0103u, alteori \u00eemi spun c\u0103 e mai bine a\u015fa. Sunt momente \u00een care m\u0103 simt incomplet, am senza\u0163ia c\u0103 ceva lipse\u015fte. Ideea c\u0103 nu am tr\u0103it totul, c\u0103 a r\u0103mas ceva neatins m\u0103 intrig\u0103, cu at\u00e2t mai mult cu c\u00e2t \u015ftiu c\u0103 acum nu mai pot face nimic. E prea t\u00e2rziu pentru a mai putea sim\u0163i astfel de experien\u0163e. Nici nu cred c\u0103 a\u015f putea s\u0103 mai las asemenea tr\u0103iri s\u0103 m\u0103 ating\u0103, s\u0103 treac\u0103 dincolo de exteriorul meu.<\/p>\n
De multe ori m\u0103 frustreaz\u0103 incapacitatea asta de a-mi aminti anumite lucruri. M\u0103 simt de parc\u0103 n-a\u015f avea r\u0103d\u0103cini; n-am nimic concret de care s\u0103 m\u0103 ag\u0103\u0163 c\u00e2nd m\u0103 g\u00e2ndesc la originile mele, la punctul de la care am plecat.<\/p>\n
M\u0103 fascineaz\u0103 \u00eens\u0103 un lucru pe care nici nu reu\u015fesc s\u0103 \u00eel \u00een\u0163eleg de altfel: cum de a r\u0103mas at\u00e2t de pregnant\u0103 \u00een mine ziua \u00een care am devenit eu cel de acum, ziua \u00een care m-am rupt de lumea hidoas\u0103 care m\u0103 \u00eenconjura? Cum de pot reconstitui acea zi definitorie at\u00e2t de clar, cu at\u00e2t de multe detalii, \u00eens\u0103 nu \u00eemi pot aminti nimic concret de dinainte? \u00cenc\u0103 nu am g\u0103sit un r\u0103spuns. Tot ce pot s\u0103 fac e s\u0103 rememomrez acele ore la nesf\u00e2r\u015fit, s\u0103 le storc de orice \u00een\u0163eles, p\u00e2n\u0103 c\u00e2nd nu va mai r\u0103m\u00e2ne nimic nici din ele.<\/p>\n
S-a \u00eent\u00e2mplat \u00eentr-o zi friguroas\u0103 \u015fi murdar\u0103 de decembrie. Cred c\u0103 se apropia Cr\u0103ciunul: toat\u0103 lumea era obositor de agitat\u0103 \u015fi zgomotoas\u0103. Era una din zilele acelea \u00een care m\u0103 sim\u0163eam parc\u0103 din alt\u0103 specie, fiind singurul f\u0103r\u0103 pungi colorate cu brazi \u015fi Mo\u015fi Cr\u0103ciuni \u015fi, mai ales, f\u0103r\u0103 o \u0163int\u0103 anume. M\u0103 plimbam pe str\u0103zi f\u0103r\u0103 un scop precis; a\u015fteptam s\u0103 treac\u0103 mai repede perioada aceea stupid\u0103 \u015fi patetic\u0103. Nimeni nu e mai bun de Cr\u0103ciun, e doar o idee preconceput\u0103 a celorlal\u021bi, \u00een spatele c\u0103reia s\u0103 se ascund\u0103, un cli\u015feu pe care s\u0103 \u00eel poat\u0103 folosi pentru a se ap\u0103ra de adev\u0103r.<\/p>\n
M\u0103 uitam mult la cer \u015fi la crengile copacilor care \u00eel \u00eempungeau. Sem\u0103na cu o \u00eentindere v\u00e2scoas\u0103 \u015fi neagr\u0103. Mi se p\u0103rea \u00een aceela\u015fi timp c\u0103 avea deasupra o p\u00e2nz\u0103 de p\u0103ianjen care \u00eel acoperea, iar \u00een aceast\u0103 p\u00e2nz\u0103 r\u0103maseser\u0103 parc\u0103 blocate ramurile goale \u015fi firave ale copacilor. Era o priveli\u015fte oarecum sinistr\u0103, fapt care o \u015fi f\u0103cea s\u0103-mi plac\u0103. \u00centunericul se l\u0103sa din ce \u00een ce mai mult \u015fi mai tainic; \u00eencepuse chiar s\u0103 ning\u0103 la un moment dat. Fulgii c\u0103deau u\u015fori \u015fi moi, l\u0103s\u00e2ndu-mi impresia c\u0103 nu se vor opri vreodat\u0103, c\u0103 va continua s\u0103 ning\u0103 pentru un timp nedefinit. Priveam pierdut printre cl\u0103dirile posomor\u00e2te; sim\u0163eam pulsul lumii inund\u00e2ndu-mi porii, ating\u00e2ndu-m\u0103 pe interior. V\u00e2ntul rece al iernii se izbea de zidurile mele interioare \u00eencerc\u00e2nd disperat s\u0103 scape. Odat\u0103 ce ajungeau \u00een interiorul meu, toate acele senza\u0163ii r\u0103m\u00e2neau captive \u00een lan\u0163urile dure ale g\u00e2ndurilor mele.<\/p>\n
Am observat la un moment dat o umbr\u0103 misterioas\u0103. M\u0103 urm\u0103rea, se rotea \u00een jurul meu ademenindu-m\u0103 spre necunoscut. Am \u00eenceput s\u0103 o urmez printre betoanele murdare p\u00e2n\u0103 la ruinele unor foste fabrici. Nu reu\u015feam s\u0103 deslu\u015fesc fiin\u0163a ei, doar o umbr\u0103 difuz\u0103 care zbura de pe perete pe perete. Ceva inexplicabil m\u0103 atr\u0103gea spre ea, m\u0103 f\u0103cea s\u0103 merg din ce \u00een ce mai repede. Voiam s\u0103 \u00eei v\u0103d chipul, s\u0103 privesc corpul care provoca acea umbr\u0103 tocmai noaptea. Am urm\u0103rit-o p\u00e2n\u0103 \u00een spatele unei fabrici aproape d\u0103r\u00e2mate unde se \u00eentindea o p\u0103dure \u00eentunecoas\u0103.<\/p>\n
Din spatele unui copac ie\u015fi trupul firav \u015fi suplu al unei fete. Era \u00eembr\u0103cat\u0103 \u00eentr-o rochie alb\u0103 cu dantel\u0103; cred c\u0103 era de mireas\u0103. Rochia era rupt\u0103 \u00een diferite p\u0103r\u0163i, iar \u00een fa\u0163\u0103 era p\u0103tat\u0103 de s\u00e2nge. Ro\u015ful puternic al s\u00e2ngelui contrasta cu albul rochiei lungi p\u00e2n\u0103 \u00een p\u0103m\u00e2nt. Picioarele \u00eei erau goale iar bra\u0163ele-i sub\u0163iri erau de asemenea dezgolite. Avea pielea alb\u0103, ca o p\u00e2nz\u0103. Era dureros de frumoas\u0103: avea ochii verzi \u015fi ad\u00e2nci \u00een timp ce buzele \u00eei erau vi\u015finii, murdare de d\u00e2re de s\u00e2nge care i se prelingeau \u00eencet pe g\u00e2t. P\u0103rul \u00eei era negru ca noaptea \u015fi r\u0103v\u0103\u015fit. \u00cemi z\u00e2mbea dulce \u015fi seduc\u0103tor, ispitindu-m\u0103 tot mai mult spre ea. Mi-a \u00eentins m\u00e2na sub\u0163ire \u015fi nu am ezitat \u00een a o cuprinde \u00een palma mea. Era mic\u0103 \u015fi \u00eengrozitor de rece. Cred c\u0103 fata era de fapt moart\u0103.<\/p>\n
Imediat ce am p\u0103\u015fit \u00een p\u0103dure m-am sim\u0163it lovit din toate p\u0103r\u0163ile. Auzeam sute de \u015foapte, \u00eens\u0103 nu puteam deosebi ce spuneau. Treceau pe l\u00e2ng\u0103 mine, \u00eenconjur\u00e2ndu-m\u0103 parc\u0103 \u00eentr-un dans vr\u0103jitoresc. O cea\u0163\u0103 dens\u0103 cuprinsese locul, \u00eenv\u0103luindu-ne \u00een negur\u0103. P\u0103durea era extrem de \u00eentunecat\u0103, plin\u0103 de secrete, dar nu \u00eemi era fric\u0103. Nu m\u0103 sim\u0163eam deloc speriat de spiritele care m\u0103 priveau \u015fi \u00eemi analizau fiecare pas. Fata, ce \u00eenc\u0103 m\u0103 \u0163inea de m\u00e2n\u0103 \u015fi m\u0103 c\u0103l\u0103uzea prin obscuritatea p\u0103durii, \u00eencepu s\u0103 \u00eeng\u00e2ne un c\u00e2ntec str\u0103vechi; mie-mi aducea a ceva de la Nox Arcana.<\/p>\n
Dup\u0103 un timp, am ajuns \u00eentr-o poieni\u0163\u0103 perfect circular\u0103. T\u00e2n\u0103ra se opri la marginea care desp\u0103r\u0163ea p\u0103durea de lumini\u015f. Lumina lunii c\u0103dea exact \u00een mijlocul poienii, unde st\u0103tea nemi\u015fcat\u0103 o siluet\u0103 neagr\u0103 \u015fi dreapt\u0103. Fata m\u0103 \u00eendemn\u0103 s\u0103 m\u0103 apropii de acea ar\u0103tare, \u00eens\u0103 nu veni \u015fi ea cu mine. Pe m\u0103sur\u0103 ce m\u0103 \u00eendreptam spre acea fiin\u0163\u0103 mi-am dat seama c\u0103 purta de fapt o pelerin\u0103 neagr\u0103, gluga acoperindu-i chipul. Teama s-a strecurat \u00een\u0103untrul meu abia c\u00e2nd am realizat c\u0103 acea fantasm\u0103 avea mai mult\u0103 substan\u0163\u0103 dec\u00e2t un duh.<\/p>\n
C\u00e2nd am ajuns la c\u00e2\u0163iva centimetri, fantasma \u00eencepu s\u0103-\u015fi ridice capul \u00eentr-o lini\u015fte de-a dreptul s\u00e2nger\u00e2nd\u0103. Timpul se opri \u00een loc, totul \u00een jur \u00eenghe\u0163\u0103, iar inima mea se opri din a mai pulsa pentru c\u00e2teva momente.<\/p>\n
Fantasma avea chipul meu.<\/p>\n
Ne priveam \u00een ochi, ea fiind evident mai puternic\u0103 dec\u00e2t mine. O voce joas\u0103 a spart lini\u015ftea, umpl\u00e2nd atmosfera:<\/p>\n
–\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Aceasta este sf\u00e2r\u015fitul.<\/p>\n
–\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Al cui? am \u00eentrebat.<\/p>\n
–\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Al timpului.<\/p>\n
Apoi, subit, fantasma m\u0103 s\u0103rut\u0103; era rece, inimaginabil de rece. C\u00e2nd \u00ee\u015fi desprinse buzele de ale mele m\u0103 mai privi odat\u0103 \u00een ochi \u015fi disp\u0103ru.<\/p>\n
M-am uitat \u00een jur \u015fi nici fata \u00een rochie de mireas\u0103 nu mai era. R\u0103m\u0103sesem doar eu \u015fi p\u0103durea, \u00eentr-o lini\u015fte sf\u00e2\u015fietoare. Am fugit disperat p\u00e2n\u0103 la ie\u015firea din p\u0103dure unde m-am \u00eentins \u00een iarb\u0103. Respiram ad\u00e2nc \u015fi m\u0103 uitam la lun\u0103, la tot cerul \u015fters \u00een care era scufundat\u0103.<\/p>\n
\u00cent\u00e2lnisem \u00centunericul, c\u0103l\u0103uza mea, iar acesta avea \u00eenf\u0103\u0163i\u015farea mea. \u00centunericul eram eu, for\u0163ele lui s\u0103l\u0103\u015fluiau \u00een sufletul meu. Mi-am dat seama c\u0103 \u00eemi tr\u0103isem via\u0163a doar pentru a m\u0103 preg\u0103ti pentru acel moment. Aveam ochi care spulberau minciunile \u015fi pl\u0103m\u00e2ni care respirau eternitate.<\/p>\n
Raiul, P\u0103m\u00e2ntul \u015fi Iadul sunt pline de lucruri pe care \u00eenc\u0103 nu le \u00een\u0163elegem. \u00cemi arunc povestea-n v\u00e2nt \u015fi n-o voi mai spune niciodat\u0103. O alta \u00eencepe…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
de Anastasia Fuioag\u0103 Stau pe acoperi\u015ful acestui bloc mizer \u015fi privesc puzderia de oameni de jos. Seaman\u0103 cu o pat\u0103 mi\u015fc\u0103toare \u015fi monoton\u0103. To\u0163i au figurile plictisite \u015fi mohor\u00e2te. De multe ori am aceea\u0219i senza\u0163ie: c\u0103 to\u0163i arat\u0103 la fel, c\u0103 nu este nicio diferen\u0163\u0103 substan\u0163ial\u0103 \u00eentre un ins \u015fi altul. Uneori m\u0103 deprim\u0103 uniformitatea […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1083,15],"tags":[1100,1084,1115],"class_list":["post-10703","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-egophobia-43","category-proza","tag-anastasia-fuioaga","tag-egophobia-43","tag-proza"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6DakB-2MD","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10703","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=10703"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10703\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":12860,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10703\/revisions\/12860"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=10703"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=10703"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=10703"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}