{"id":11459,"date":"2016-09-16T15:38:49","date_gmt":"2016-09-16T13:38:49","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/egophobia.ro\/?p=11459"},"modified":"2018-12-15T00:41:00","modified_gmt":"2018-12-14T22:41:00","slug":"nae-kix-ass-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/?p=11459","title":{"rendered":"Nae Kix Ass! [2]"},"content":{"rendered":"

[fragment din romanul “Camera 66(6)<\/a>“]<\/strong><\/p>\n

de Sorin-Mihai Grad<\/p>\n

\u00centr-o zi apare Nae cu o veveri\u021b\u0103. O g\u0103sise \u00eentr-un copac din campus \u0219i cumva reu\u0219ise s-o prind\u0103. Chiar dac\u0103 venea de la \u021bar\u0103, nu ne \u00eenchipuiam c\u0103 b\u0103ietul \u0103sta cu ochelari fund-de-borcan \u0219i \u00eembr\u0103cat mereu cu pantofi \u0219i c\u0103ma\u0219\u0103 era \u00een stare s\u0103 se ca\u021b\u0103re prin copaci. \u0218i asta nu de frica vreunui urs sau maidanez, ci pentru a ne dota camera cu o veveri\u021b\u0103. Ochelari mai aveam \u00eenc\u0103 doi din camer\u0103, iar c\u0103m\u0103\u0219i mai foloseau doar Cartofu la teatru \u0219i oper\u0103 \u0219i Klu la examene. Nae \u00een schimb se prezenta \u00eengulerat peste tot, la facultate, \u00eent\u00e2lniri, bere sau meci, chiar \u0219i spre orele de sport mergea \u00eembr\u0103cat a\u0219a \u0219i se schimba doar \u00een vestiar. \u00cen tricouri cu nasturi \u0219i guler, tip c\u0103ma\u0219\u0103, bine\u00een\u021beles, pe care le mai folosea doar c\u00e2nd ie\u0219eam la un fotbal sau f\u0103cea curat prin camer\u0103.<\/p>\n

\u00cen week-end\u00b4ul precedent fusese r\u00e2ndul Cartofului s\u0103 dea cu m\u0103tura \u0219i Klu s-a pl\u00e2ns c\u0103 \u00een urma ac\u021biunii r\u0103m\u0103sese f\u0103r\u0103 pet\u00b4ul s\u0103u, p\u0103ianjenul Cornel, care cic\u0103-\u0219i f\u0103cea veacul \u00een col\u021bul de dup\u0103 frigidric. Era prima oar\u0103 c\u00e2nd ne pomenea de el. Epi s-a amestecat \u00een discu\u021bie, iar aceasta a luat-o ca de obicei pe ar\u0103tur\u0103.<\/p>\n

-Las\u0103, vere, c\u0103-i \u00een loc cu verdea\u021b\u0103. Proasp\u0103t\u0103, c\u0103 doar azi am cump\u0103rat morcovii \u0103ia.<\/p>\n

-Degeaba-i cu verdea\u021b\u0103, dac\u0103 nu-i luminat, l-a contrazis Hake.<\/p>\n

-Unde nu este durere, nici \u00eentristare, nici suspin, ci doar via\u021b\u0103 f\u0103r\u0103 de sf\u00e2r\u0219iiiiiiiiit.<\/p>\n

-Ladies and gents, M.C. Cartofu featuring Farinelli.<\/p>\n

Klu n-a comentat nimic \u00een leg\u0103tur\u0103 cu apelativul cu care se pricopsise \u0219i necheza vesel. Doar Nae nu se amuza.<\/p>\n

-Nu v\u0103 bate\u021bi m\u0103 joc de slujb\u0103.<\/p>\n

-Da\u2019 de cine s-o facem? Intri tu? Doamnelor \u0219i domnilor, dragi tovar\u0103\u0219i \u0219i pretini, iubi\u021bi credincio\u0219i, stima\u021bi concet\u0103\u021beni, avem un voluntar. Cine se ofer\u0103 mai mult?<\/p>\n

-Nu, b\u0103, n-am zis asta.<\/p>\n

-Zg\u00e2rcitule!<\/p>\n

-Nae, ne c\u00e2n\u021bi tu ceva?<\/p>\n

-O vierziune di\u0103f myet\u0103l la c\u00e2nty\u0219elu dy dynaintye.<\/p>\n

-Cartoafe, c\u00e2nd vrei medita\u021bii la moldoveneasc\u0103 numa spune, nu te chinui singur.<\/p>\n

-S\u0103rum\u00e2na, jup\u00e2n buiestru. Apoi mi-o pun la si-vi, precum fl\u0103c\u0103ul ista.<\/p>\n

Hake \u00ee\u0219i f\u0103cuse un CV pentru ceva burs\u0103, iar la limbi str\u0103ine pusese englez\u0103, francez\u0103, maghiar\u0103, italian\u0103 \u0219i moldoveneasc\u0103. Bine\u00een\u021beles c\u0103 de vin\u0103 pentru ratarea ei a fost comisia lipsit\u0103 de sim\u021bul umorului \u0219i plin\u0103 cu comuni\u0219ti b\u0103\u0219ino\u0219i \u0219i nazyonani\u0219ti. Nae a avut nevoie de explica\u021bii pentru ultimul cuv\u00e2nt, iar Hake \u0219i-a descoperit neb\u0103nuite resurse didactice.<\/p>\n

-B\u0103, treci la loc. Doi!<\/p>\n

-Cinzeci de genoflexiuni \u0219i \u0219ai\u0219pe n\u0103sc\u0103tori.<\/p>\n

-Iar de sfor\u0103i iar la noapte, le repe\u021bi.<\/p>\n

Mul\u021bumi\u021bi de isprav\u0103, Epi \u0219i Klu r\u00e2deau de zor, Cartofu cic\u0103 citea, dar se sp\u0103rgea \u0219i el de r\u00e2s, Hake \u00ee\u0219i f\u0103cea buc\u0103\u021bi dosarul pentru burs\u0103, foarte metodic, nel\u0103s\u00e2nd \u00een urm\u0103 nici o bucat\u0103 mai mare ca o moned\u0103, iar Nae nu \u00een\u021belegea nimic. Nici la provocarea la c\u00e2ntat a Cartofului nu mai \u0219tia ce s\u0103 r\u0103spund\u0103, dar a sc\u0103pat ieftin, c\u0103 era Hake \u00een form\u0103.<\/p>\n

-Nae, noteaz\u0103.<\/p>\n

\u0218tiam c\u0103 Hake asculta muzici sup\u0103rate \u0219i c\u0103 la nervi sau nevoie putea urla foarte tare, dar nu-l b\u0103nuiam c\u0103 poseda a\u0219a voce cavernoas\u0103. Doar Cartofu s-a sim\u021bit dator s\u0103 puncteze.<\/p>\n

-Mda, interesant. Doar c\u0103 asta-i black, nu death metal.<\/p>\n

-Bine c-a trebuit s\u0103-i eutanasiezi ultima \u0219ans\u0103 de a cr\u0103pa dezinformat. Cere-\u021bi scuze!<\/p>\n

-Nae, iart\u0103-l, c\u0103 nu \u0219tie ce vorbeaz\u0103.<\/p>\n

-Ca s\u0103 vezi, \u0219i io care te luam drept prieten. D\u0103-mi \u00eenapoi caseta cu Makrothumia! Crezi c\u0103-\u021bi mai \u00eemprumut ceva?<\/p>\n

-La c\u00e2t de prost \u00eei tras\u0103 ar trebui s\u0103-mi mul\u021bume\u0219ti c\u0103 \u021bi-am scutit urechile de autodistrugere.<\/p>\n

-Nu \u0219tii tu ce-i bun. Nae, ai notat? P\u0103i ce \u021bi-am zis, m\u0103 chinui degeaba aici? Nici m\u0103car nu v-am cerut bilete.<\/p>\n

-Mul\u021bumim, maestre!<\/p>\n

-B\u0103 Cartoafe, ce-ai f\u0103cut bre cu Cornel? \u00ce\u021bi dai seama ce suflet hainuman po\u021bi avea? I-l dai tu bietului m\u00e2nz pe \u00c1goston sau trebuie s\u0103 te oblig\u0103m?<\/p>\n

A\u0219a botezase c\u00e2ndva Cartofu un g\u00e2ndac pe care-l prinsese \u00een frigidric \u0219i-l aruncase pe geam. A doua zi unul identic patrula de zor pe mas\u0103. Sigi i-a atras aten\u021bia Cartofului c\u0103 nu-\u0219i f\u0103cuse bine treaba.<\/p>\n

-Alo, domnu Picioic\u0103! Vede\u021bi c\u0103-i un hailand\u0103r pe mas\u0103! Mai ave\u021bi o \u00eencercare \u0219i v\u0103 rug\u0103m s\u0103 nu mai da\u021bi gre\u0219 de data asta.<\/p>\n

-B\u0103 Batore! \u00cel cheam\u0103 \u00c1goston \u0219i-i ocrotit, fiind minoritar, a\u0219a c\u0103 scute\u0219te-m\u0103 de pove\u021bele tale nepre\u021buite.<\/p>\n

Klu ar fi vrut s\u0103 r\u00e2d\u0103, dar s-a ab\u021binut cu greu. \u0218i-o fi amintit c\u0103 ultima oar\u0103 c\u00e2nd se amuzase de batorizarea lui Sigi se pomenise \u0219i el vreo dou\u0103 zile cu apelativul cu pricina. Asta n-ar fi fost o mare problem\u0103, dar taman pe atunci \u00ee\u0219i g\u0103sise s\u0103 povesteasc\u0103 ceva despre hard-discuri \u0219i pomenise de c\u00e2teva ori cuv\u00e2ntul master. Iar Cartofu fusese la post.<\/p>\n

-B\u0103 Batore, dac\u0103 tu ai fi un maestru, cum \u021bi s-ar adresa \u00eenv\u0103\u021b\u0103ceii?<\/p>\n

-Master.<\/p>\n

-Master Bator adic\u0103.<\/p>\n

-Sigi e Bator, nu eu.<\/p>\n

-Deci Master Bator. \u0218i \u00een englez\u0103 cum se cite\u0219te asta?<\/p>\n

-Mast\u0103rbeit\u0103r.<\/p>\n

-\u0218i o s\u0103-\u021bi plac\u0103 s\u0103 \u021bi se spun\u0103 a\u0219a?<\/p>\n

-Fii, b\u0103, serios.<\/p>\n

-Serios ar trebui s\u0103 fii \u0219i tu. Bator e doar Sigi \u0219i asta pentru c\u0103 ne e prieten, nu c\u0103 r\u00e2dem de el. Poreclele noastre \u00ees ni\u0219te nume de cod, ni le-am dat ca s\u0103 le folosim, nu s\u0103 ne hlizim unul de cel\u0103lalt, ai priceput, b\u0103 mast\u0103rbeit\u0103r?<\/p>\n

Klu a \u00eenghi\u021bit \u00een sec \u0219i de atunci nu s-a mai m\u00e2nzit de poreclele celorlal\u021bi. Nici acum n-a binevoit s\u0103 onoreze cu vreun s\u00e2mbure de z\u00e2mbet savanta discu\u021bie la care asista. Ceilal\u021bi doi s-au mai ciond\u0103nit pu\u021bin, timp \u00een care \u00c1goston a disp\u0103rut. Nu l-am mai v\u0103zut de atunci, dar asta nu \u00eensemna c\u0103 nu-i puteam b\u0103nui cominoritarul de colabora\u021bionism la ascunderea lui.<\/p>\n

-Nu-l vreau pe bozgorul \u0103la ur\u00e2t \u0219i puturos, c\u0103 pe Cornel!<\/p>\n

-Cornel s-a dus, puiule.<\/p>\n

-\u00cen loc cu verdea\u021b\u0103, uneori luminat, dac\u0103 vrei \u00ee\u021bi \u0219i c\u00e2nt, dar acu-i cu bilete.<\/p>\n

-Nu, mersi, \u0219tim c\u0103 po\u021bi.<\/p>\n

Nae avea c\u00e2teva nuci de acas\u0103 \u0219i i le-a pus veveri\u021bei \u00een fa\u021b\u0103, dar aceasta nu prea colabora, \u00eencerc\u00e2nd s\u0103 se ascund\u0103 prin camer\u0103. Am \u00eenchis rapid geamurile, iar Nae \u0219i Epi au reu\u0219it cu greu s-o prind\u0103. Cum de se descurcase Nae singur cu ea \u00een copac nu ne-a spus \u0219i nu ne-a trecut nici unuia atunci prin cap s\u0103-l interog\u0103m, aveam alte griji.<\/p>\n

-Veveri\u021bele-s ocrotite?<\/p>\n

-\u00cen Marea Britanie, cic\u0103 veveri\u021bele ro\u0219ii-s pe cale de dispari\u021bie c\u0103 le m\u0103n\u00e2nc\u0103 toat\u0103 haleala cele gri, meidin iues<\/em>. Alea de import \u00ees mai mari \u0219i cic\u0103-s chiar agresive cu am\u0103r\u00e2tele astea europene. Au adus c\u00e2teva din America pentru gr\u0103dini zoologice \u0219i cresc\u0103tori de animale str\u0103ine mici \u0219i un bou s-a g\u0103sit s\u0103 le dea drumu-n ceva parc. Veveri\u0219tile alea cenu\u0219ii s-au \u00eenmul\u021bit \u00een draci \u0219i cic\u0103 astea ca la noi nu mai au ce m\u00e2nca \u0219i crap\u0103.<\/p>\n

-Pove\u0219ti, b\u0103 Hake, cum s\u0103 nu g\u0103seasc\u0103 de m\u00e2ncare? \u00ces pline p\u0103durile de ghinzi.<\/p>\n

-Nae, ce \u021bi-am zis nu \u0219tiu de la televizor, c-am citit.<\/p>\n

Nae \u0219i cititul, vaca \u0219i baletul, a\u0219a c\u0103 prefera s\u0103 tac\u0103 \u00een momentele c\u00e2nd discu\u021biile ajungeau \u00een zone lecturalnice. Klu a cr\u0103pat dou\u0103 nuci, dar veveri\u021ba nu voia s\u0103 le m\u0103n\u00e2nce. Epi s-a sim\u021bit dator s\u0103 sparg\u0103 t\u0103cerea.<\/p>\n

-B\u0103, asta are inim\u0103.<\/p>\n

-Spre deosebire de un oarecare episcop pe care-l cunoa\u0219tem \u0219i care o \u021bine cu for\u021ba. \u00cei chiar a\u0219a o revela\u021bie pentru tine c\u0103 veveri\u021bele au inim\u0103?<\/p>\n

Epi n-a mai apucat s\u0103-i r\u0103spund\u0103 lui Hake, pentru c\u0103 a ap\u0103rut Sigi cu buzunarele pline de napolitane culese de pe la ceva lansare de carte.<\/p>\n

-Epistemologia contractului liric \u00eentre autorul solarian \u0219i cititorul cointeresat \u0219i edulcorat se gliseaz\u0103 peremptoriu pe… Cine continu\u0103 ideea are parte de prad\u0103.<\/p>\n

-Echinofacialitatea exhaustiv\u0103 a mirobolan\u021bei efectului oedipiano-placebic al pseudoredundan\u021bei alcadiene.<\/p>\n

-Bine b\u0103 Hake, ai salvat oroarea b\u00e2rlogului de cromagnoni! Napolitane pentru to\u021bi! De la na\u0219u mare pentru f\u00e2rta\u021bii lui, tr\u0103iasc\u0103 analfabe\u021bii \u0219i grafomanii care-\u0219i cump\u0103r\u0103 fanii!<\/p>\n

-Amin, brother! Azi ce impostor pe t\u0103r\u00e2mul literelor ai onorat cu prezen\u021ba?<\/p>\n

-\u0218i fascinat, desigur.<\/p>\n

-Un mo\u0219, cic\u0103 pred\u0103 istorie \u0219i filosofie la ceva liceu industrial \u0219i era la a patra carte de poezie. Se f\u0103ceau c\u0103-l laud\u0103 al\u021bi doi bo\u0219orogi, \u0103la chelopletos, vi l-am ar\u0103tat pe strad\u0103, Abonatu, care vorbeaz\u0103 la mai toate lans\u0103rile \u0219i… ce caut\u0103 dr\u0103covenia aia aici?<\/p>\n

-Nae! N-are fumeie \u0219i cum n-a g\u0103sit veveri\u021b\u0103 blond\u0103 a adus una ro\u0219cat\u0103.<\/p>\n

-Ai zece secunde s\u0103 alegi \u00eentre lansare \u0219i evacuare.<\/p>\n

-Ce zici, b\u0103?<\/p>\n

-Nou\u0103, opt, \u0219apte,…<\/p>\n

-Ce \u021bi-a f\u0103cut veveri\u021ba? Uite ce dr\u0103g\u0103la\u0219\u0103-i. O \u00eembl\u00e2nzim \u00eencet.<\/p>\n

-\u0218ase. Cinci. \u0218tii c\u0103 umblu pe la lans\u0103ri \u0219i-i pot organiza una instantaneu. Patru.<\/p>\n

-Bine, b\u0103, o duc \u00eenapoi, n-o arunca pe geam c\u0103 moare \u0219i-i p\u0103cat de ea. Da\u2019 ce-ai cu ea?<\/p>\n

-Nimic. Dar nu suport roz\u0103toarele. Adio veveri\u021b\u0103, nu m\u0103 bucur deloc c\u0103 te-am cunoscut. Plus c\u0103 poate fi turbat\u0103.<\/p>\n

A\u0219a rapid nu l-am v\u0103zut pe Nae s\u0103 se-ncal\u021be niciodat\u0103. Klu s-a dus \u0219i el s-o redea naturii.<\/p>\n

-Nae, lu\u0103m \u0219i nucile?<\/p>\n

-Da, s\u0103 aib\u0103 ce m\u00e2nca.<\/p>\n

-Ai nuci, Nae? La cum te compor\u021bi le credeam alune.<\/p>\n

-Cartofule, ai noroc c\u0103 nu dau \u00een animale.<\/p>\n

-Of, b\u0103, c\u00e2nd e\u0219ti sup\u0103rat nu poate omul nici glumi cu tine. Ba chiar mi-e fric\u0103 de tine. Auzi cum \u00eemi tremur\u0103 vocea? \u0218i ce-o s\u0103 te faci f\u0103r\u0103 nuci? O s\u0103 ui\u021bi \u0219i s\u0103 te speli pe din\u021bi.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

[fragment din romanul “Camera 66(6)“] de Sorin-Mihai Grad \u00centr-o zi apare Nae cu o veveri\u021b\u0103. O g\u0103sise \u00eentr-un copac din campus \u0219i cumva reu\u0219ise s-o prind\u0103. Chiar dac\u0103 venea de la \u021bar\u0103, nu ne \u00eenchipuiam c\u0103 b\u0103ietul \u0103sta cu ochelari fund-de-borcan \u0219i \u00eembr\u0103cat mereu cu pantofi \u0219i c\u0103ma\u0219\u0103 era \u00een stare s\u0103 se ca\u021b\u0103re prin […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1224,15],"tags":[1225,875,1115,116],"class_list":["post-11459","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-egophobia-47","category-proza","tag-egophobia-47","tag-fragment-de-roman","tag-proza","tag-sorin-mihai-grad"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6DakB-2YP","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11459","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=11459"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11459\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":12449,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11459\/revisions\/12449"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=11459"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=11459"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=11459"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}