{"id":11775,"date":"2017-05-31T16:41:14","date_gmt":"2017-05-31T14:41:14","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/egophobia.ro\/?p=11775"},"modified":"2018-12-15T00:41:05","modified_gmt":"2018-12-14T22:41:05","slug":"nae-kix-ass-3","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/?p=11775","title":{"rendered":"Nae Kix Ass! [3]"},"content":{"rendered":"

[fragment din romanul “Camera 66(6)<\/a>“]<\/strong><\/p>\n

de Sorin-Mihai Grad<\/p>\n

Prin c\u0103min ap\u0103ruse zvonul c\u0103 unul dintre studen\u021bii moldoveni luptase prin legiunea str\u0103in\u0103. Klu nu \u0219tia nimic, despre asta, dar nu ne-am sup\u0103rat pe el, era de obicei dezinformat. Sigi, Nae \u0219i mai ales Epi voiau s\u0103-l cunoasc\u0103 pe fostul lupt\u0103tor, dar nu \u0219tiau unde s\u0103 g\u0103seasc\u0103 \u0219i nici cum s\u0103-l abordeze \u00een caz c-ar fi dat de el. Hake era constructiv, ca de obicei.<\/p>\n

-Nu-l mai c\u0103uta\u021bi, b\u0103, dac\u0103-i e dor de voi v\u0103 g\u0103se\u0219te el.<\/p>\n

-Dac\u0103 ne caut\u0103 el, e de r\u0103u.<\/p>\n

-\u0218i atunci de ce-l c\u0103uta\u021bi voi?<\/p>\n

-Nu-l caut, da\u2019 mi-ar pl\u0103cea s\u0103-l cunosc.<\/p>\n

-Biblic?<\/p>\n

-Fii serios.<\/p>\n

-Poate te biblice\u0219te \u0103la, b\u0103 Episcoape. \u021ai-o d\u0103 la bibilic\u0103 p\u00e2n\u0103 miauni.<\/p>\n

-Da, acolo \u00een legiunea str\u0103in\u0103 \u00ees numai b\u0103rba\u021bi. Ce crezi c\u0103 fac \u0103ia c\u00e2nd \u00ees \u00een cantonament prin jungl\u0103 \u0219i li-i dor de-o t\u0103v\u0103leal\u0103?<\/p>\n

-Episcoape, bucur\u0103-te c\u0103 stai \u00een camer\u0103 cu noi \u0219i suntem prieteni. Dac\u0103 nimereai cu fiorosul \u0103la, erai franjuri.<\/p>\n

-Fi\u021bi, b\u0103, serio\u0219i.<\/p>\n

-Dac\u0103 n-am fi, te-am trimite direct la el. S\u0103-\u021bi explice cum merge treaba la legiunea str\u0103in\u0103.<\/p>\n

-Plus, dac\u0103 i se pare numai c\u0103 te-ai uitat ur\u00e2t spre el ne \u00eempu\u0219c\u0103 pe to\u021bi \u0219i arde c\u0103minul.<\/p>\n

-Da, b\u0103 Epi, las\u0103-l \u00een pace. Ia exemplu de la \u00een\u021beleptul \u0103sta care nu mai vrea s\u0103-l cunoasc\u0103. A\u0219a-i, b\u0103 Nae?<\/p>\n

-Cred c\u0103 nu mai vreau s\u0103-l \u00eent\u00e2lnesc. Mai bine, dec\u00e2t s\u0103 fac\u0103 cine \u0219tie ce prostie.<\/p>\n

-Sigi, explic\u0103-i \u0219i tu.<\/p>\n

-Las\u0103, b\u0103, omu-n pace! O face pe fundul lui, \u0219i-l pune singur la b\u0103taie dac\u0103-l m\u0103n\u00e2nc\u0103.<\/p>\n

-Mai bine cump\u0103r\u0103-\u021bi, b\u0103, un vibrator, dac\u0103 te m\u0103n\u00e2nc\u0103-n fund. Pe \u0103la po\u021bi s\u0103-l opre\u0219ti c\u00e2nd te saturi.<\/p>\n

-Dar nu asta vreau de la el, oameni buni!<\/p>\n

-Dar ce po\u021bi dori de la un fost lupt\u0103tor \u00een legiunea str\u0103in\u0103? Lec\u021bii de geografie?<\/p>\n

-S\u0103 \u0219tiu cum se ajunge, cum e acolo, c\u00e2t se c\u00e2\u0219tig\u0103, c\u00e2t de periculos e, ce arme au, treburi de genul \u0103sta.<\/p>\n

-Deci mai bine ia-\u021bi un vibrator.<\/p>\n

-Da\u2019 s\u0103 pui semnul pe u\u0219\u0103 c\u00e2nd \u00eel folose\u0219ti, s\u0103 nu te deranj\u0103m.<\/p>\n

-C\u0103 poate te emo\u021bionezi c\u00e2nd apare careva \u0219i scapi un flutura\u0219.<\/p>\n

-Cu arom\u0103 de kiki.<\/p>\n

-Nu se poate discuta serios cu voi.<\/p>\n

-Despre legiunea str\u0103in\u0103? Ce naiba se poate vorbi serios despre adun\u0103tura aia de be\u021bivi imbecili?<\/p>\n

-Cum le-ai zis?<\/p>\n

-Bine, filosofi \u0219i academicieni.<\/p>\n

-Da, \u0219tii c\u00e2\u021bi nobeli\u0219ti au luptat \u00een legiunea str\u0103in\u0103?<\/p>\n

-C\u00e2\u021bi?<\/p>\n

-C\u00e2\u021bi ave\u021bi \u0219i voi \u00een ora\u0219.<\/p>\n

-Legionari sau nobeli\u0219ti?<\/p>\n

-Cardinali hermafrodi\u021bi.<\/p>\n

-Iar \u00eencepi?<\/p>\n

-Serios, c\u00e2t de dotat trebuie s\u0103 fii ca s\u0103-\u021bi dore\u0219ti o carier\u0103 \u00een armat\u0103?<\/p>\n

-Sigur nu ca Terente sau Rasputin.<\/p>\n

-B\u0103 Cartoafe, exact la aia m\u0103 refeream.<\/p>\n

-P\u0103i nu? Ai v\u0103zut la recrutare vreunul ca ei?<\/p>\n

-Era februarie parc\u0103 \u0219i calorifer aveau doar \u00een cabinetul doctorului. Uite a\u0219a de frig era, c\u0103 \u0219i lui Terente \u00eei intra \u00eentr-un degetar.<\/p>\n

-\u0218i la mine tot cam a\u0219a a fost.<\/p>\n

-Mda, nimic nou sub soare. Nae,\u00a0 ce te-ai ro\u0219it a\u0219a, tu ce ai f\u0103cut la recrutare?<\/p>\n

-Ca voi, m-am prezentat la nudu\u2019 gol \u00een fa\u021ba doctorului.<\/p>\n

-\u0218i?<\/p>\n

-S-au holbat la mine c\u00e2teva minute, nu secunde ca la restul.<\/p>\n

-\u0218i-a pomenit ceva de planeta maimu\u021belor?<\/p>\n

-Dac\u0103 \u0219i la tine era frig chiar c\u0103 nu vedea nimic. Da\u2019 m\u0103car ai sc\u0103pat de armat\u0103, nu?<\/p>\n

-Mi-a zis c\u0103-s apt necombatant, c\u0103 am dioptrii prea mari.<\/p>\n

-\u0218i pentru aia a trebuit s\u0103 te dezbrace? Ce pervers. Cam ca \u0103ia care au orgasme numai cu bivoli\u021be de-un qintal jumake.<\/p>\n

-Jumake? Ce-i \u0103la jumake, b\u0103?<\/p>\n

-Felul \u00een care c\u00e2\u0219tig\u0103m un cuv\u00e2nt pentru genul masculin de la feminin.<\/p>\n

-Da\u2019 ce plural \u00eei bagi?<\/p>\n

-Jumaki.<\/p>\n

-Las\u0103 b\u0103 divaga\u021biile astea pseudosavante, c\u0103 nu e\u0219ti Eminescu s\u0103 inventezi cuvinte! Nae, preia cuv\u00e2ntul \u0219i \u021bine-l, c\u0103 vezi cum fuge una-dou\u0103 dac\u0103 nu e\u0219ti pe faz\u0103!<\/p>\n

-Era o doctori\u021b\u0103 la mine.<\/p>\n

-\u0218i voia neap\u0103rat s\u0103-\u021bi vad\u0103 \u0219trumfuletele, dar nu putea de p\u0103r, a\u0219a c\u0103 a\u0219tepta s\u0103-\u0219i fac\u0103 efectul c\u0103ldura?<\/p>\n

-Nu, b\u0103, cred c\u0103 era aproape de pensie.<\/p>\n

-Deci \u0219tia la ce s\u0103 se a\u0219tepte.<\/p>\n

-Dar ochelarii \u021bi i-ai dat jos c\u00e2nd te-ai dus la comisie?<\/p>\n

-Nu.<\/p>\n

-P\u0103i vezi? Asta a\u0219tepta babu\u0219ca. S\u0103 te dezbraci de tot, nu s\u0103-i defilezi acolo-n ochelari.<\/p>\n

-De-aia te-a \u0219i respins, nu pentru ochelari. Adic\u0103 pentru ochelari, dar nu pentru dioptrii.<\/p>\n

-Pentru ele \u0219i pentru platfus.<\/p>\n

-Adic\u0103 a\u0219tepta s\u0103-\u021bi apar\u0103 limbricul din p\u0103dure \u0219i \u021bi-a v\u0103zut platfusul?<\/p>\n

-Da, \u00eemi tr\u0103sesem deja chilo\u021bii pe mine \u0219i a zis s\u0103 revin. I-am dat jos \u0219i a zis c\u0103 da, am platfus, v\u0103zuse bine.<\/p>\n

-Mare pervers\u0103 doftoroaia aia.<\/p>\n

-Nu te-a pus s\u0103 te apleci ca s\u0103-\u021bi bage stetoscopu-n…?<\/p>\n

-Hai, b\u0103, ce naiba?<\/p>\n

-\u0218i \u00een rest ce ai f\u0103cut la teste?<\/p>\n

-Am r\u0103spuns cinstit, nimic deosebit.<\/p>\n

-N-ai pus \u0219i tu acolo m\u0103car c\u0103-\u021bi place s\u0103 chinui animalele sau ceva?<\/p>\n

-Nu. Cum s\u0103 bifez aia?? Ce, tu ai pus?<\/p>\n

-Da clar. O fi zis \u0103ia c\u0103-s Jack Spintec\u0103torul dup\u0103 ce mi-au evaluat formularele.<\/p>\n

-\u0218i tu? \u0218i io am pus c\u0103 chinui animalele.<\/p>\n

-\u0218i eu.<\/p>\n

-Klule?<\/p>\n

Nici un r\u0103spuns. Cum de adormise la a\u0219a o discu\u021bie interesant\u0103 mezinul nostru cel sensibil, pe care-l deranjau de la somn p\u00e2n\u0103 \u0219i cei care discutau mai aprins pe strad\u0103 a fost \u0219i va r\u0103m\u00e2ne o tain\u0103 neelucidabil\u0103.<\/p>\n

-\u0102sta nici n-a apucat s\u0103 mearg\u0103 la recrutare.<\/p>\n

-Moldovenii mai au armat\u0103?<\/p>\n

-De ce s\u0103 nu mai aib\u0103?<\/p>\n

-A\u0219a, c\u0103-s o \u021bar\u0103 mic\u0103. Cu cine se bat ei?<\/p>\n

-Cu Transnistria. O \u021bar\u0103 \u0219i mai mic\u0103 dec\u00e2t a lor, care nici m\u0103car nu exist\u0103.<\/p>\n

-De prieteni imaginari am mai auzit, dar cine-\u0219i inventeaz\u0103 du\u0219mani imaginari? \u0218i mai fac \u0219i r\u0103zboi cu ei.<\/p>\n

-Ar trebui s\u0103 ne invent\u0103m noi du\u0219mani imaginari, fiecare c\u00e2te unul.<\/p>\n

-\u0218i ce-ai vrea s\u0103 fac\u0103 du\u0219manii \u0103\u0219tia imaginari, b\u0103 Hake?<\/p>\n

-S\u0103 discute, s\u0103 se bat\u0103, s\u0103 bage c\u00e2te-un fotbal, s\u0103 bea, c\u00e2teodat\u0103 s\u0103 doarm\u0103.<\/p>\n

-B\u0103, dac\u0103-s du\u0219mani de ce s\u0103 fac\u0103 ce facem noi?<\/p>\n

-C\u00e2nd noi doi ne-n\u021belegem, du\u0219manii no\u0219tri s\u0103 se bat\u0103. Iar c\u00e2nd suntem certa\u021bi, ei s\u0103 mearg\u0103 la bere.<\/p>\n

-E\u0219ti cam confuz, b\u0103.<\/p>\n

-La ora asta cine nu-i?<\/p>\n

-M\u0103 faci confuz? Vezi c\u0103-mi pun du\u0219manul imaginar la treab\u0103.<\/p>\n

-Nu mai da, nene, c\u0103 nu mai fac.<\/p>\n

-Deci cum \u00eei cu du\u0219manii imaginari ai moldovenilor de dincolo?<\/p>\n

-Nu-s imaginari, chiar \u00eei r\u0103zboi acolo. Sau era, dac\u0103 s-au \u00eempu\u0219cat deja to\u021bi. Cum de n-ai auzit de el?<\/p>\n

-De r\u0103zboiul transnistrean am auzit, da\u2019 nu \u0219tiam c\u0103 Basarabia se lupt\u0103 acolo.<\/p>\n

-Vezi ce bine c\u0103 n-ai adormit \u0219i tu? Tocmai \u021bi s-a upgradat cultura general\u0103.<\/p>\n

-\u00ce\u021bi foarte mul\u021bumesc, boierule.<\/p>\n

-A\u0219a mai vii de-acas\u0103.<\/p>\n

-Voi vre\u021bi careva s\u0103 face\u021bi armata dup\u0103 facultate?<\/p>\n

-Nu.<\/p>\n

-Ce, m-am t\u00e2mpit?<\/p>\n

-Poate se scoate, c\u0103 nu ne batem cu nimeni.<\/p>\n

-Io a\u0219 vrea, da\u2019 nu \u0219tiu dac\u0103 m\u0103 iau ei, c\u0103-s apt necombatant.<\/p>\n

-O s\u0103 te ia poate la instruit, dar nu \u0219i la r\u0103zboi. Dac\u0103 ne atac\u0103 cineva, tu o s\u0103 cure\u021bi cartofi. \u0218i veceuri.<\/p>\n

-Tre s\u0103 m\u0103 interesez. S\u0103 \u0219tiu exact cum \u00eei treaba.<\/p>\n

-Dar de ce vrei neap\u0103rat s\u0103 faci armata?<\/p>\n

-Cine nu face armata nu-i b\u0103rbat.<\/p>\n

-Zice cine?<\/p>\n

-Oamenii. To\u021bi.<\/p>\n

-\u0218i \u00eei crezi?<\/p>\n

-\u0218i \u00eei bagi \u00een seam\u0103?<\/p>\n

-Cum s\u0103 nu-i?<\/p>\n

-A\u0219a. Pur \u0219i simplu. \u00cei ignori \u0219i gata.<\/p>\n

-Nu se poate.<\/p>\n

-Ai \u00eencercat?<\/p>\n

-Nu, c-am venit la facult\u0103 dup\u0103 liceu.<\/p>\n

-\u0218i ce po\u021bi p\u0103\u021bi la voi \u00een sat dac\u0103 nu faci armata?<\/p>\n

-Te vorbesc de r\u0103u oamenii.<\/p>\n

-\u0218i-\u021bi pas\u0103?<\/p>\n

-De ce s\u0103 m\u0103 vorbeasc\u0103 de r\u0103u?<\/p>\n

-\u0218i ce-\u021bi pas\u0103 \u021bie? Gura lumii macin\u0103 \u00eentr-una. Dac\u0103 e\u0219ti bogat, de ce e\u0219ti bogat, dac\u0103 e\u0219ti s\u0103rac, de ce, dac\u0103 ai copii, dac\u0103 n-ai, \u0219tii cum \u00eei, b\u00e2rfa-i sport na\u021bional.<\/p>\n

-Dac\u0103 nu faci armata nu te po\u021bi \u00eensura.<\/p>\n

-Asta de unde ai mai scos-o?<\/p>\n

-A\u0219a se zice pe la noi.<\/p>\n

-\u0218i cuno\u0219ti pe cineva r\u0103mas liber din cauza armatei?<\/p>\n

-Avea bunica un frate cu un picior mai scurt. Nu l-au primit la armat\u0103 nici c\u00e2nd a fost r\u0103zboiul.<\/p>\n

-\u0218i nu s-a \u00eensurat niciodat\u0103?<\/p>\n

-Niciodat\u0103.<\/p>\n

-Hai, b\u0103, c\u0103 \u00eentre timp s-a schimbat lumea.<\/p>\n

-Asta a r\u0103mas a\u0219a.<\/p>\n

-\u0218i ce dac\u0103? Nu vor proastele din sat s\u0103 se m\u0103rite cu tine, \u00ee\u021bi g\u0103se\u0219ti din altul.<\/p>\n

-Nu-i doar de fete, nu le dau p\u0103rin\u021bii. Ajung de ru\u0219inea satului cu ginere f\u0103r\u0103 armat\u0103 f\u0103cut\u0103.<\/p>\n

-Dar be\u021biv \u0219i lene\u0219 poate fi, dac\u0103 are armata bifat\u0103?<\/p>\n

-De b\u0103ut beau aproape to\u021bi.<\/p>\n

-De dorul armatei.<\/p>\n

Dup\u0103 seara aia nu s-a mai adus vorba despre legionarul str\u0103in. Nimeni nu \u0219tia cine putea fi acesta \u0219i peste vreo s\u0103pt\u0103m\u00e2n\u0103 zvonul s-a stins de la sine.<\/p>\n

#<\/p>\n

alte fragmente din acest roman pot fi citite aici<\/a> \u0219i aici<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

[fragment din romanul “Camera 66(6)“] de Sorin-Mihai Grad Prin c\u0103min ap\u0103ruse zvonul c\u0103 unul dintre studen\u021bii moldoveni luptase prin legiunea str\u0103in\u0103. Klu nu \u0219tia nimic, despre asta, dar nu ne-am sup\u0103rat pe el, era de obicei dezinformat. Sigi, Nae \u0219i mai ales Epi voiau s\u0103-l cunoasc\u0103 pe fostul lupt\u0103tor, dar nu \u0219tiau unde s\u0103 g\u0103seasc\u0103 […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1273,15],"tags":[1274,875,1115,116],"class_list":["post-11775","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-egophobia-49-50","category-proza","tag-egophobia-49-50","tag-fragment-de-roman","tag-proza","tag-sorin-mihai-grad"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6DakB-33V","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11775","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=11775"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11775\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":12450,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11775\/revisions\/12450"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=11775"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=11775"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=11775"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}