de Patrick C\u0103linescu<\/p>\n
\nNu \u015ftiu cum s\u0103 fac s\u0103 regret mai mult…
\nDoctorul era \u00eembr\u0103cat alb ca varul c\u00e2nd se scuzase c\u0103 nu \u015ftie cum s\u0103 fac\u0103 s\u0103-i par\u0103 mai r\u0103u dec\u00e2t \u00eei p\u0103rea deja, iar fa\u0163a i se defectase \u00een aceast\u0103 ne\u015ftiin\u0163\u0103 sentimental\u0103 \u2013 sau, cum i-ar fi zis \u00een facultate, senzual\u0103 \u2013 ca s\u0103 nu mai poat\u0103 ar\u0103ta nicio culoare specific\u0103 momentului de fa\u0163\u0103.
\nPacientul observ\u0103 transformarea chipului s\u0103u \u00eentr-un monolit incolor \u015fi nehot\u0103r\u00e2t de c\u00e2t de mult ar putea s\u0103 regrete moartea lui iminent\u0103 \u015fi de aia parc\u0103 \u00eel \u015fi \u00eentreb\u0103 mai cu team\u0103:
\nDe ce s\u0103 regreta\u0163i mai mult sau mai pu\u0163in, \u00een func\u0163ie de capacitatea dumneavoastr\u0103 interioar\u0103, un lucru \u00eenc\u0103 necunoscut mie, din biografia mea astfel adus\u0103 la zi?
\nDoctorul se poticni epidermic \u00eentre dou\u0103 culori indecise \u00eenc\u0103 \u00een ce gam\u0103 cromatic\u0103 s\u0103-i pigmenteze fa\u0163a \u015fi \u00eei spuse \u00een sf\u00e2r\u015fit ce anume \u00eel f\u0103cea s\u0103 nu \u015ftie cum s\u0103 poat\u0103 regreta mai mult:
\nAve\u0163i metastaz\u0103. Muri\u0163i. Ve\u0163i mai tr\u0103i p\u00e2n\u0103 atunci.
\nOmul, dup\u0103 at\u00e2ta timp format \u00een pacient, se uit\u0103 la doctorul s\u0103u, care nu era doctorul s\u0103u curant, ci numai doctorul s\u0103u accidental, \u015fi-i d\u0103du doctorului s\u0103u accidental curant de \u00een\u0163eles c\u0103 nu pricepe \u00een niciun fel cum s-ar fi putut \u00eent\u00e2mpla un asemenea accident biologic ce-l va l\u0103sa, c\u00e2nd o s\u0103 moar\u0103, f\u0103r\u0103 via\u0163\u0103.
\nDoctorului \u00eencepu s\u0103-i par\u0103 r\u0103u \u015fi de neputin\u0163a pacientului de a prelucra situa\u0163ia \u00een care se afl\u0103, \u00eens\u0103 nu putu s\u0103-i ofere nicio explica\u0163ie; adev\u0103rul e c\u0103 nici el nu \u00een\u0163elegea de ce soarta pacientului s\u0103u se accidentase p\u00e2n\u0103 \u00een cancer; \u015fi tot ce putuse s\u0103 fac\u0103 n-a fost dec\u00e2t s\u0103-i spun\u0103 lucrul pe care nu pricepea cum de ap\u0103ruse.
\nSchimb\u00e2nd subiectul medita\u0163iei, pacientul nu se mai interes\u0103 de ce se accidentase p\u00e2n\u0103 \u00een cancer \u015fi-l privi din nou pe doctor cu o alt\u0103 \u00eentrebare, mai lumeasc\u0103 \u015fi mai explicabil\u0103 \u00een condi\u0163iile unui accident biologic at\u00e2t de grav.
\n\u015ei acum ce fac?
\nA\u0163i putea s\u0103 face\u0163i tot ce v\u0103 dori\u0163i.
\nAtunci, a\u015f dori s\u0103 nu mai am cancer. Pot s\u0103 fac \u015fi asta?
\nDoctorul se apropie de pacientul s\u0103u accidental curant \u015fi \u00ee\u015fi puse podul palmei pe um\u0103rul s\u0103u, \u00eentr-un gest de tandre\u0163e non-profesional\u0103, \u00eens\u0103 anti-profesional\u0103. Gestul fu primit cu \u00een\u0163elegerea faptului c\u0103 doctorul chiar nu putea s\u0103 fac\u0103 mai mult s\u0103 nu regrete mai pu\u0163in.
\nEu zic s\u0103 face\u0163i tot ce vre\u0163i.
\nInclusiv \u015fi ce nu vreau s\u0103 fac?
\nDac\u0103 ce nu vre\u0163i s\u0103 face\u0163i se num\u0103r\u0103 printre lucrurile pe care vre\u0163i s\u0103 le face\u0163i, da.
\nAtunci, nu mai vreau s\u0103 am cancer. Pot s\u0103 fac \u015fi lucrul \u0103sta pe care nu-l mai vreau?
\nDoctorul r\u0103mase l\u00e2ng\u0103 pacientul s\u0103u accidental curant \u015fi, cu m\u00e2na cealalt\u0103, \u00eel m\u00e2ng\u00e2ie pe frunte dintr-un impuls non-medical, \u00eens\u0103 anti-medical. Lui \u00eei pl\u0103cu s\u0103-\u015fi simt\u0103 fruntea atins\u0103 astfel, \u015fi o ridic\u0103 \u015fi mai \u00een raza unei alte m\u00e2ng\u00e2ieri. O primi \u015fi pe urm\u0103toarea \u015fi, niciodat\u0103 s\u0103tul de c\u00e2t fusese \u00eendestulat emo\u0163ional, continu\u0103 s\u0103-\u015fi ridice fruntea \u00een razele tot mai \u00eenalte ale \u015fi altor m\u00e2ng\u00e2ieri ca primele, \u015fi nu-\u015fi opri fruntea din ascensiunea ei insa\u0163iabil\u0103 dec\u00e2t \u00een momentul \u00een care o atinse pe cealalt\u0103, profesional\u0103 \u015fi medical\u0103.
\nLumina alb\u0103 ca varul le fisur\u0103 frun\u0163ilor alipirea. Doctorul se a\u015fez\u0103 \u00een scaunul s\u0103u doctoral, iar pacientul se tr\u00e2nti \u00een scaunul s\u0103u paciental \u015fi nici doctorul nu mai regreta c\u0103 nu \u015ftie ce s\u0103 fac\u0103 pentru a-i p\u0103rea \u015fi mai r\u0103u de c\u00e2t de tare soarta \u00eei accidentase pacientul, \u015fi nici el nu mai credea s\u0103 poat\u0103 face tot ce-ar vrea cum \u00eei d\u0103duse de \u00een\u0163eles doctorul. \u00centre ei lumina instaur\u0103 o t\u0103cere translucid\u0103 prin care se vedeau cu aproximativ\u0103 limpezime toate vorbele pe care ar fi vrut s\u0103 \u015fi le spun\u0103. Dar nu puteau, \u015fi nu ei \u00een\u015fi\u015fi se ab\u0163ineau s\u0103-\u015fi vorbeasc\u0103, fiindc\u0103 lumina, din ce \u00een ce mai ca varul, le arsese apropierile at\u00e2t gestuale, c\u00e2t \u015fi lexicale, iar arsura alb\u0103 a luminii \u00eei cimentase \u00een dep\u0103rtarea lor reciproc\u0103.
\nAfar\u0103 erau zgomote \u015fi se vedeau cum se mi\u015fc\u0103 din chiuiturile unor b\u0103ie\u0163i mai exuberan\u0163i \u00een chicotelile unor fete mai feminine; \u015fi din l\u0103tratul unor c\u00e2ini vagabonzi \u00een mieunatul unor pisici ie\u015fite, \u00een les\u0103, la plimbare; \u015fi din fredonatul \u00een tihn\u0103 al unui mul\u0163umit de ceva \u00een bomb\u0103nitul surd al unui nemul\u0163umit de altceva; \u015fi din tic\u0103itul unui ceas netulburat de timpul m\u0103surabil \u00een p\u0103c\u0103nitul unui orologiu stricat de vreme; \u015fi din z\u0103ng\u0103nitul urechilor \u00een v\u00e2nt \u00een \u015fuieratul v\u00e2ntului din urechi; \u015fi afar\u0103 sunetele circulau de la un produc\u0103tor fonic la altul, \u00eentr-o libertate motric\u0103 absolut\u0103, \u015fi numai v\u00e2rfurile lor cele mai audibile str\u0103punser\u0103 lini\u015ftea anti-fonic\u0103, \u00eens\u0103 non-fonic\u0103, din\u0103untru.
\nDe ce m-am accidentat a\u015fa de grav?
\nPacientul perfor\u0103 lumina dintre ei \u015fi \u00eentunec\u0103 astfel fa\u0163a \u00eenc\u0103 nel\u0103murit\u0103 cromatic a doctorului.
\nN-a\u015f putea s\u0103 r\u0103spund, \u00eens\u0103 \u015ftiu c\u0103 sunt \u00eentrebat asta aproape de fiecare dat\u0103.
\n\u015ei n-a\u0163i putut g\u0103si r\u0103spunsul nici p\u00e2n\u0103 acum? Dup\u0103 at\u00e2tea confirm\u0103ri statistice ale \u00eentreb\u0103rii?
\nE o \u00eentrebare a\u015fa de dificil\u0103, se ap\u0103r\u0103 doctorul \u00een spatele cromatic al unui evantai de culori faciale, \u00eens\u0103 nu se hot\u0103r\u00ee, pentru o ap\u0103rare \u015fi mai solid\u0103, asupra niciuneia. Cum a\u015f putea s\u0103 am vreun r\u0103spuns la o \u00eentrebare ce parc\u0103 sfideaz\u0103 leg\u0103tura natural\u0103 \u2013 logic\u0103 \u015fi dialectic\u0103 \u2013 dintre ea \u00eens\u0103\u015fi \u015fi r\u0103spunsul ei? Plus, n-ar trebui \u015fi \u00eentrebarea asta \u2013 cu c\u00e2t pus\u0103 mai des, cu at\u00e2t mai f\u0103r\u0103 de r\u0103spuns \u2013 s\u0103 aib\u0103 prefigurat, \u00een con\u0163inutul ei, sau \u00een tonul ei, sau \u00een ceva, nu \u015ftiu, specific ei \u015fi numai ei, chiar r\u0103spunsul pe care \u00eel caut\u0103? Adic\u0103, r\u0103spunsul nu este dublura fireasc\u0103 a \u00eentreb\u0103rii \u015fi nu ar trebui el s-o completeze \u00een mod natural \u2013 \u00een fond, logic \u015fi dialectic \u2013 pentru a forma, cu ea, un \u00eentreg de cunoa\u015ftere \u2013 o totalitate gnostic\u0103 \u2013 \u00een stare s\u0103 m\u0103 satisfac\u0103 \u015fi pe mine, medical, dar \u015fi pe dumneavoastr\u0103, paciental?
\nDoctorul se ap\u0103r\u0103 nea\u015fteptat de bine \u015fi fa\u0163a lui alb\u0103 ca varul oscil\u0103 pu\u0163in \u00eenainte s\u0103 r\u0103m\u00e2n\u0103 alb\u0103 ca varul. Pe la jum\u0103tate, se \u015fi ridic\u0103 din scaun \u015fi cuvintele sale defensive p\u0103trunser\u0103 scutul fotonic dintre el \u015fi pacientul s\u0103u accidental curant \u015fi se \u00eempr\u0103\u015ftiar\u0103 de o parte \u015fi de alta a barierei de lumin\u0103 dintre ei mut\u00e2ndu-se, interactiv \u015fi alternativ, pe ambele lor chipuri din momentul de fa\u0163\u0103.
\nM-am hot\u0103r\u00e2t: nu mai vreau s\u0103 nu mai mor de cancer; dimpotriv\u0103, pu\u0163in \u00eemi pas\u0103! Ba chiar am impresia c\u0103 o s\u0103 m\u0103 disting\u0103 \u00eentr-un mod nea\u015fteptat accidentul \u0103sta biologic \u015fi o s\u0103 m\u0103 omoare mai dezumanizant \u015fi dec\u00e2t a\u015f fi putut spera vreodat\u0103. G\u00e2ndi\u0163i-v\u0103 c\u0103, gra\u0163ie sor\u0163ii ce m-a accidentat \u2013 pardon \u2013 ce mi-a accidentat biologia at\u00e2t de crunt, nici n-am s\u0103 mai mor ca om. \u00cen momentul propriei mele mor\u0163i, de\u015fi m-am n\u0103scut ca fiin\u0163\u0103 uman\u0103, n-am s\u0103 mai fiu deloc om. Voi fi doar o fiin\u0163\u0103 ce va fi fost odat\u0103 om. Dar nu \u015fi atunci, c\u00e2nd umanitatea mea originar\u0103 se va fi cancerizat \u015fi va fi mers \u00eenapoi precum cancerul. Ironic cum ultima realitate tanatic\u0103, subordonat\u0103 celei patologice, f\u0103r\u0103 sc\u0103pare, are acoperire perfect\u0103 \u00een prima realitate uman\u0103…
\nA, dar nu voiam s\u0103 spun numai at\u00e2t; vreau s\u0103 zic \u015fi altceva. Dar s\u0103 verific \u00eent\u00e2i: mai sunt \u00eenc\u0103 om, nu? N-am ajuns \u00eenc\u0103 cancer, a\u015fa-i?
\nDoctorul confirm\u0103, \u00eens\u0103 fu oprit din viteza paciental\u0103 de neoprit.
\nCe vreau de fapt s\u0103 spun e c\u0103, de fapt, m\u0103 bucur c\u0103 n-o s\u0103 mai fiu om c\u00e2nd voi muri.
\nCu privirea alb\u0103 ca varul, \u015fi cu ochii ar\u015fi \u00een ea, pacientul \u00eel \u00eentreb\u0103 pe doctor dac\u0103 \u015ftie m\u0103car urm\u0103toarea \u00eentrebare:
\n\u015eti\u0163i care e, \u00een fond, cel mai mare beneficiu al unei astfel de mor\u0163i? \u015ei cea mai mare ironie a ei?
\nNu, nu trebuie s\u0103 \u00eencerca\u0163i s\u0103 r\u0103spunde\u0163i; nu ve\u0163i \u015fti r\u0103spunsul nici la aceast\u0103 \u00eentrebare. Mai bine \u00eencerca\u0163i s\u0103 \u00een\u0163elege\u0163i ce am s\u0103 v\u0103 spun acum: r\u0103spunsul definitiv \u015fi irevocabil \u015fi adev\u0103rat; \u015fi neclintit de adev\u0103rat.
\nCel mai mare beneficiu c\u00e2nd mori dezumanizat e c\u0103, de fapt, nu tu mori. Nu omul \u00een care te-ai n\u0103scut moare, ci cancerul \u00een care \u0163i-ai pierdut umanitatea. Omul din tine r\u0103m\u00e2ne ve\u015fnic, ba chiar nemuritor, \u00een spatele cancerului de care mori \u015fi care \u00ee\u0163i ia via\u0163a. Astfel, cine moare \u00een pielea ta nu mai este de mult cine ai fost tu cu adev\u0103rat. Acela tr\u0103ie\u015fte pentru totdeauna \u015fi nu moare niciodat\u0103. Ironia e c\u0103, numai dac\u0103 mori \u2013 impropriu zis, \u201emori\u201d \u2013 de cancer, po\u0163i tr\u0103i \u00een continuare eliberat de orice form\u0103 posibil\u0103 de dezumanizare ce s-ar mai putea abate asupra ta. Murind de cancer, te dezumanizezi pentru a muri de cancer, \u015fi numai astfel \u00ee\u0163i po\u0163i continua via\u0163a tr\u0103ind-o \u00een cea mai pur\u0103 stare de umanitate posibil\u0103. De fapt, a muri de cancer \u00eenseamn\u0103 a te purifica \u015fi a \u015fterge de pe fa\u0163a ta pur uman\u0103 \u015fi ultima pat\u0103 de dezumanizare ce te-ar fi putut murd\u0103ri \u00een via\u0163\u0103. Cancerul nu mai poate fi, a\u015fadar, un simplu accident biologic; din contr\u0103, el este \u00eens\u0103\u015fi legea biologic\u0103 \u00een virtutea c\u0103reia dezumanizarea cancerizat\u0103 nu mai este permis\u0103. \u00cen fine, el ne democratizeaz\u0103 op\u0163iunile l\u0103s\u00e2ndu-ne s\u0103 facem tot ce vrem, inclusiv s\u0103 nu murim ca oameni astfel \u00eenc\u00e2t ei s\u0103 r\u0103m\u00e2n\u0103 ve\u015fnici.
\nA\u015fa c\u0103 vreau s\u0103-mi spune\u0163i, mai po\u0163i fi nemuritor \u015fi murind altfel?
\nDoctorul regret\u0103 c\u0103 nu \u015ftie ce s\u0103 fac\u0103 s\u0103-i par\u0103 \u015fi mai intens r\u0103u c\u0103 nu \u015ftie r\u0103spunsul nici la aceast\u0103 \u00eentrebare, iar pacientul muri \u00een fine de cancer \u00eencredin\u0163at c\u0103 \u015fi el regret\u0103 c\u0103 nu \u015ftie ce s\u0103 fac\u0103 s\u0103-i par\u0103 \u015fi mai intens r\u0103u c\u0103 nu \u015ftie cum s\u0103 fie \u015fi mai explicit cu doctorul.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
de Patrick C\u0103linescu Nu \u015ftiu cum s\u0103 fac s\u0103 regret mai mult… Doctorul era \u00eembr\u0103cat alb ca varul c\u00e2nd se scuzase c\u0103 nu \u015ftie cum s\u0103 fac\u0103 s\u0103-i par\u0103 mai r\u0103u dec\u00e2t \u00eei p\u0103rea deja, iar fa\u0163a i se defectase \u00een aceast\u0103 ne\u015ftiin\u0163\u0103 sentimental\u0103 \u2013 sau, cum i-ar fi zis \u00een facultate, senzual\u0103 \u2013 ca […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[315,15],"tags":[1132,4,1115],"class_list":["post-1187","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-egophobia-23","category-proza","tag-egophobia-23","tag-patrick-calinescu","tag-proza"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6DakB-j9","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1187","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1187"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1187\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1549,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1187\/revisions\/1549"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1187"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1187"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1187"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}