by Mario \u0218erban<\/p>\n
The limit of pain is just a greater pain and so on. Maximum pain is a myth. So, what\u2019s the point of complaining?<\/p>\n
You will never share a nervous first kiss and both look away smiling and blushing afterwards. You will never be kissed on your cheek at random by your girlfriend as she walks across the living room. You will never cuddle on your bed on a rainy night with your legs intertwined and your faces inches apart. You will never feel her warm breath against your skin and smell her shampoo as you lay on her looking into each other\u2019s eyes. You will never take a walk through your hometown at dusk alongside your cute, shy girlfriend who asks you about the different places and finds your memories associated with them interesting and humorous. You will never hear the words \u201cI love you\u201d whispered to you just before falling asleep with your girlfriend lying in your arms or on your chest. You will never tease your girlfriend and make it clear how much she secretly enjoys it. You will never feel comfortable enough around anyone so that you are able to undress completely in their presence without cringing and wanting to hide. You will never touch her bare collarbone, her ribs, her forehead or her fingertips. You will never be loved \u2013 this is what I hear every day.<\/p>\n
Anyway, I don\u2019t have time for this. I have to eat beans out of the can and look at the wall or a screen for hours.<\/p>\n
There are so many people talking about not being unstable and having a healthy mind, but in truth, they\u2019re just brainwashed and mediocre as everybody\u2026<\/p>\n
6 September.<\/p>\n
I am Anon and I live alone. I have but only two figures in my seemingly colourless life. Surprisingly (or not) I\u2019m not talking about my parents. In fact, we do not even know if I have such abnormalities. Tendie and Wendy are two innocent girls, probably minor. They have a dubious habit of suddenly appearing in my daily life (or better said nocturnal) and vanishing just as easily. Very odd, but I couldn\u2019t care less. Unless, everything in this paragraph is false.\u00a0 If everything were to be fake, I would be very upset. I am not as if I had a sickening condition such I don\u2019t know\u2026 seeing nails randomly growing out of my body, or stuff like this, but I\u2019m just quite sad in general. Truth be told \u2013 it\u2019s probably terminal.<\/p>\n
Tendie: \u201cBut hey! That\u2019s probably just as meaningless as your Humanities Bachelor, hmm\u2026?\u201d<\/p>\n
I don\u2019t answer. I do not even react, acting as if she wasn\u2019t there, hoping she would simply leave.<\/p>\n
Tendie: \u201cHey! Hello? C\u2019mon, I was kidding, don\u2019t just sit on this stupid chunk of grass! Do something.\u201d<\/p>\n
I glance at her trying to look cool as fuck.<\/p>\n
Anon: \u201cI don\u2019t like to\u2026ugh\u2026 stand out.\u201d \u2013 That didn\u2019t quite work.<\/p>\n
Tendie: \u201cIf you could, you would raise your shoulders above your head, I know. But try to depict some poetry from your very point of view.<\/p>\n
Anon: \u201cLike\u2026?\u201d<\/p>\n
Tendie: \u201cLike, for fuck\u2019s sake, try to find the floating moon reflecting itself\u00a0 on the lake.<\/p>\n
(silence)<\/p>\n
Anon: \u201cFound it\u201d<\/p>\n
Tendie: \u201cAre you just going to sit on this damn pile of damp grass? Your jeans will get soaked. Go find a bench or something and drink your disgusting beer there!\u201d<\/p>\n
Anon: \u201cIt\u2019s useless.\u201d<\/p>\n
Tendie \u201cLike you?\u201d<\/p>\n
Anon: \u201cLike everything\u201d<\/p>\n
Tendie: \u201cYou might as well just plunge into the lake and pray that leeches would feast on you like cats in time of plague.<\/p>\n
Anon \u201cEmpathy \u2013 what a useless word.\u201d<\/p>\n
Tendie \u201cDon\u2019t be so optimistic just yet! You\u2019re always so positive when you\u2019re pouty. You know ATMs love to be fed stray cats. Don\u2019t you think so?\u201d<\/p>\n
Behind my back, a feminine shadow blossoms. Wendie is not as rude as Tendie. She gently taps my shoulder. I grunt, but after I am realizing it\u2019s her, I change my expression.<\/p>\n
Wendie: \u201cHey, don\u2019t knit your brows, you knew it was me!\u201d she chuckles as she hugs me by my neck.<\/p>\n
Wendie: \u201cSo silly, even from you, Anon! Water forgets the name of the drown, no?\u201d<\/p>\n
Anon: \u201cYou were listening to our conversation?\u201d<\/p>\n
Wendie: \u201c`course we do. We\u2019re always here for you. Don\u2019t you think friendship is forever?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe\u2019re not in American teen comedies or in a Shonen Anime. That\u2019s not a concern.\u201d<\/p>\n
Tendie\u201cAre you not afraid of becoming a silhouette?\u201d<\/p>\n
At this point I was just babbling nonsense and approving anything regardless.<\/p>\n
Tendie: \u201cA disgustingly unimportant fading silhouette, having his traits plucked, piece by piece, without identity, despicable, and no real excuses? Don\u2019t you even dare to pretend you\u2019re listening to me, gazing upon my eyes. I know you squint to see my cleavage.\u201d<\/p>\n
I didn\u2019t know what to say. She was right in any aspect. I chose to stay quite during that outburst of rage. She was miffed.<\/p>\n
Tendie: \u201cDo you have the resolution that makes you sure of the end of this story?\u201d<\/p>\n
Anon: \u201cYou know why your opinion does not matter? Because it has absolutely no consequences\u201d<\/p>\n
Wendie: \u201cAnon why are you worried?\u201d<\/p>\n
I start fumbling in my pockets.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou used to be much careless Anon…\u201d<\/p>\n
I stop searching for whatever I was looking for. I nod. I nod again. I nod once again, again and again. I am simply nodding so badly that I start swinging back and forth. I\u2019m suddenly alone, desperately looking left and right. I think to myself \u201cIs this even real?\u201d But in truth, I\u2019m just wasted, falling asleep shortly afterwards. Several hours and nothing happens \u2013 nothing too uncommon. I wake up covered in dew. It is a foggy morning and my nose is runny. Snots have already clogged my nose and all I really want to do is to stay at my computer and browse forums and follow meaningless discussions on them<\/p>\n
Wendy jumps on me. Her smutty posture makes me rather uncomfortable, but I give in. I kind of liked it to be honest.<\/p>\n
Wendie: \u201cSooo, Anon, don\u2019t you think it\u2019s a bit cold outside?\u201d<\/p>\n
Anon: \u201cYou\u2019re only wearing this skirt. It\u2019s obvious you feel cold.\u201d<\/p>\n
Wendie: \u201cCan we go to the unknown address?\u201d<\/p>\n
Anon: \u201cI don\u2019t want to go there. It\u2019s the last place I wanna end up being.\u201d<\/p>\n
Wendie: \u201cHow about…\u201d<\/p>\n
Anon \u201cI don\u2019t know where it is\u201d<\/p>\n
Wendie \u201cBut you always end up going to one of them. Last time you promised me we could go together this week.\u201d<\/p>\n
Anon: \u201cI never said that.\u201d<\/p>\n
Last thing I remember is Wendie pinching my lips and I fell asleep immediately. Next day I am sleeping on my mattress. Wendy is sitting on my computer chair, dangling her legs while looking at me. Don\u2019t ask me how, but I can see Wendie biting her finger and stretching while she\u2019s planning to wake me up.<\/p>\n
Wendie: \u201cGood mooorning, Anon!\u201d<\/p>\n
Anon: \u201cDo not ever wake me up again if you can still see the sun. You know about my thing.\u201d<\/p>\n
Wendie: \u201cWhat, ahem, thing?\u201d<\/p>\n
Anon: \u201cStop smiling, you know I hate it.\u201d<\/p>\n
Wendie: \u201cThe smile or your thingy?\u201d<\/p>\n
Anon: \u201cProbably both.\u201d<\/p>\n
Wendie: \u201cAre you still\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
Anon: \u201cWhat? No, you have no idea how bad it feels. My skin is still crusty and dry. I don\u2019t like it when rubs\u2026 against the clothes. Speaking of which\u2026 I must\u2019ve fall asleep on a puddle. I think I pissed myself.\u201d<\/p>\n
Wendie: \u201cThat\u2019s not piss.\u201d<\/p>\n
Anon: \u201cWait, why is it greasy?\u201d<\/p>\n
Wendie: \u201cNot so dry anymore, eh?\u201d<\/p>\n
I shamefully cover myself completely with the blanket.<\/p>\n
Anon: \u201cWrong, wrong, wrong, wrong! Soo fucking wrong and cursed. I HAVE CUM IN PANTS! I HAVE SEMEN IN MY JEANS!\u201d<\/p>\n
Tendie: \u201cThat\u2019s what you get for not wearing undies.\u201d<\/p>\n
Anon: \u201cWhen did she\/\u201d<\/p>\n
Tendie: \u201cTake your time.\u201d<\/p>\n
Wendie: \u201cHurry up!\u201d<\/p>\n
I startle.<\/p>\n
Anon: \u201cWhen did I\u2026\/\u201d<\/p>\n
I could not even finish my thought because they sang in chorus \u201cChoice is yours. Don\u2019t be late. Don\u2019t be so frightened to forget. Unless\u2026?\u201d<\/p>\n
Anon: \u201cDo you even know what is like to be a bug? To live like a hunched bat. Or even just a tiny little beetle? To have excrescences covering random parts of your body? I\u2019m missing 60 pounds and I know that none of you are real!\u201d<\/p>\n
Tendie: \u201cIf I\u2019m not real, do you really believe that robots can think of electric sheep when they go to sleep?\u201d<\/p>\n
Wendie: \u201cDo you even itsy bitsy think you\u2019re the same person you were a decade ago? Or even just a second ago as I am saying this?\u201d Exactly, you would just stutter and deter your own judgement.<\/p>\n
Anon: \u201cWhat the fuck are you even talking about?! This makes absolute zero sense.<\/p>\n
Tendie: \u201cNor it does your existence.\u201d<\/p>\n
Wendie: \u201cBut we still love you, Anon!\u201d<\/p>\n
Tendie: \u201cNo matter what abomination you may become we\u2019re never going to leave you alone! Ever. Wooh!\u201d<\/p>\n
They keep cheering for me but I am feeling so restrained. It\u2019s just like how Wendie said. I always end up in the same two or three places. Except that this time, I\u2019m not the pigeon anymore. A bystander who looks at himself in a third person point of view, down to the finest detail. I am hiding in the shadows, witnessing my story unfold. My double from the real world finds it terribly sinister, but I cannot help myself and not burst in laughter as my other self is nodding in fear. Yet, somehow I know this, just don\u2019t ask me how. I know something is wrong. Suddenly It\u2019s not my double from the real world who\u2019s crippled, but me. They know I\u2019m there, hiding behind them beneath my shroud. They stop laughing and comforting me, and start glaring at me with cold bloodthirsty eyes. In a distorted backwards-speech played forward, they tell me that:<\/p>\n
\u201cSimulacra from the Order of Mimesis loves the taste of rotten flesh.\u201d<\/p>\n
I have no idea what that means, but that\u2019s when I always wake up to my own scream in that shimmering, bright white hospital room strapped to my own bed.<\/p>\n
Listen to this after your reading<\/p>\n