\u015ei s\u0103-l punem \u00een verig\u0103,<\/em><\/p>\n Verigu\u0163\u0103 de pelcic\u0103<\/em><\/p>\n Se l\u0103rge\u015fte-oric\u00e2t de mic\u0103,<\/em><\/p>\n Veriga de catife-i<\/em><\/p>\n Se l\u0103rge\u015fte oric\u00e2t vrei.<\/em><\/p>\n Nici c\u0103\u00a0i-a trebuit mult\u00a0\u021b\u0103ranului s\u0103\u00a0caute locul unde \u00ee\u015fi l\u0103sase carul cu boi. A\u015fa \u00eenghesuial\u0103\u00a0\u015fi h\u0103rm\u0103laie n-a mai v\u0103zut de c\u00eend maic\u0103-sa l-o adus pe lumea bogat\u0103. F\u0103c\u00eendu-\u0219i socoteal\u0103 despre nea\u0219teptata binecuv\u00eentare ce i-a c\u0103zut din cer pe cap, \u00eencepea s\u0103-i tot creasc\u0103 omului inima ca pe drojdie. Se \u0219i vedea \u00een mintea sa ajuns mare chiabur de mo\u015fii \u00een dev\u0103lm\u0103\u015fie cu boierii frunta\u015fi din \u021binutul Neam\u021bului av\u00eendu-\u0219i haturile \u00een sus spre Boto\u0219ani \u0219i cei de la Ia\u0219i cu p\u0103m\u00eenturile \u00een jos spre Gala\u021bi. Nu lipsea \u00een aceast\u0103 vedenie nici Mai Marele Popilor aghezmuind cu o pul\u0103\u00a0lung\u0103, \u00een loc de c\u0103delni\u021b\u0103, puhoaiele de norod ce \u00eel urmau s\u0103 vad\u0103 pe viu binecuv\u00eentarea ogoarelor.<\/p>\n Numai c\u00eend d\u0103 s\u0103\u00a0se apropie omuleanul, nici urm\u0103\u00a0de cucoane fandosite, ori mite vreo \u021b\u0103ranc\u0103,\u00a0sau \u00eencaltea slujnic\u0103: numai b\u0103rba\u021bi unul\u00a0\u015fi unul. \u201eCeva nu-i curat la mijloc\u201d, se g\u00eendi \u021b\u0103ranul \u00een sinea sa, pe loc f\u0103c\u00eendu-i-se inima t\u0103man c\u00eet un purice.<\/p>\n Se uit\u0103 el mai bine primprejur \u0219i vede numaidec\u00eet pe una din cele dou\u0103\u00a0fe\u021be sfin\u021bite de-i blagoslovise s\u0103m\u0103natul \u00een prim\u0103var\u0103. De data asta Sf\u00eentul Petrea vorbea doar mul\u021bimii de parte b\u0103rb\u0103teasc\u0103, st\u00eend c\u0103\u021b\u0103rat\u00a0h\u0103t pe v\u00eerful mald\u0103rului. \u021a\u0103ranul arunc\u0103 o privire \u00een jur \u0219i, la c\u00ee\u021biva pa\u0219i distan\u021b\u0103, \u00eel z\u0103re\u0219te numaidec\u00eet \u0219i pe\u00a0Hristos, \u00eenso\u021bit de un soldat l\u0103sat la vatr\u0103.\u00a0La fel de p\u0103r\u0103dit ca\u00a0\u015fi rani\u021ba din spate, acesta \u00ee\u0219i \u00eendrepta din c\u00eend \u00een c\u00eend baioneta armei spre cei ce n\u0103r\u0103veau s\u0103 se apropie prea mult de car. \u201eNa-te, au\u00a0\u015fi venit s\u0103\u00a0\u00eemi dijmuiasc\u0103\u00a0bietele puli, m\u00eenca-i-ar dracii, haramul lor de sfin\u021bi, s\u0103-i m\u0103n\u00eence\u201d, s-a pomenit c\u0103\u00a0strig\u0103\u00a0\u021b\u0103ranul printre scr\u00ee\u015fnitul din\u021bilor, de\u00a0\u015fi-au \u00eentors capurile spre el o parte din b\u0103rba\u021bii aduna\u021bi.<\/p>\n \u201eNic acum nu crede\u021bi M\u00eentuitorului?\u201d, se deslu\u0219ea vocea\u00a0Sf\u00eentului Petrea r\u0103zbind\u00a0tot mai greu\u00a0din spatele mul\u021bimii.\u00a0\u201eV\u0103 zic vou\u0103, dup\u0103\u00a0credin\u021ba ar\u0103tat\u0103\u00a0i se va da fiec\u0103ruia. Dac\u0103\u00a0a\u021bi crede m\u0103car c\u00eet un bob de mu\u0219tar \u0219i tot a\u021bi putea urni mun\u021bii din loc! Iaca omul ista bun nu o s\u0103\u00a0m\u0103\u00a0lase s\u0103\u00a0v\u0103\u00a0spun bra\u0219oave. Chiar de-a dat Domnul de i-au rodit puli pe ogor, \u00een capul lui tot pizde a v\u0103zut,\u00a0de care\u00a0vede\u021bi \u0219i voi acuma…\u00a0\u201d.<\/p>\n [Gustave Courbet – “Originea Lumii”]<\/p>\n Acuma era prea t\u00eerziu s\u0103 \u0219tearg\u0103 putina \u021b\u0103ranul, chiar \u0219i f\u0103r\u0103 de pule, f\u0103r\u0103 de boi, \u0219i f\u0103r\u0103 de car. De \u00eendat\u0103 mu\u021bimea s-a dat deoparte, fac\u00eendu-i loc sa treac\u0103 \u00een fa\u021b\u0103. Dar numai dup\u0103 ce a f\u0103cut vreo zece pa\u0219i a ramas st\u00eelp, holb\u00eendu-\u0219i ochii c\u00eet cepele crescute pe malul Nistrului. \u0218i cum sa fie altfel, Doamne, c\u00eend, \u00een loc de sfintele pule ce le l\u0103sase cu pu\u021bin timp \u00een urm\u0103 c\u00eet se tocmise cu zg\u00eercita de cucoan\u0103, amu \u00een carul s\u0103u se l\u0103f\u0103ia un vraf de pizde, care de care mai\u00a0obraznice \u0219i mai t\u00eer\u0219ite, a\u0219a cum e punga \u00eenainte de a fi umplut\u0103 cu bani.\u00a0Din cap\u0103tul de sus st\u00eerceau lindicuri, mai scurte sau mai lungi, a\u0219a ca m\u0103rgelele la curcanii de soi de mai mare dragul s\u0103-i vezi fierb\u00eend \u00een oal\u0103 pentru r\u0103citurile de Pa\u0219ti.<\/p>\n Dintre to\u021bi doar soldatul l\u0103sat la vatr\u0103 s-a apropiat iute de el, \u0219optindu-i la ureche:<\/p>\n \ua7f7 Prietene,\u00a0nu fi\u00a0tolomac!\u00a0Preschimbat-a M\u00eentuitorul, a\u0219a cum zic Scripturile, apa \u00een vin\u00a0\u015fi s\u0103\u00a0nu fie el in stare s\u0103\u00a0preschimbe ni\u0219te pule fleo\u015fc\u0103ite \u00een pizde?<\/p>\n Apoi i-a f\u0103cut cu ochiul, ad\u0103ug\u00eend cu glas \u0219optit:<\/p>\n \ua7f7 Nu uita c\u0103 la noi biserica sfin\u021be\u015fte corpurile numai dup\u0103\u00a0ce-au murit bine de tot.<\/p>\n Abia acum s-a prins\u00a0\u015fi \u021b\u0103ranul de adev\u0103rul vorbelor spuse \u00een childuri, de \u00eendat\u0103 c\u0103z\u00eend de acord cu schimbul avantajos de marf\u0103:<\/p>\n \ua7f7\u00a0Dar din Dar fac\u0103-se Rai!<\/p>\n Atunci soldatul v\u0103z\u00eend c\u0103 nimeni nu \u00eendr\u0103zne\u0219te la pizd\u0103 vie, se apropie primul:<\/p>\n \ua7f7 \u00a0Vreau \u0219i eu o gioars\u0103 pentru mine. Da una c\u00eet mai larg\u0103 s\u0103 fie!<\/p>\n Auzind despre a\u0219a o neghiobie deloc practic\u0103 pentru un b\u0103rbat, cei de fa\u021b\u0103 au \u00eenceput s\u0103 se pr\u0103p\u0103deasc\u0103 de at\u00eeta r\u00ees nu alta.<\/p>\n \ua7f7 Se vede c\u0103 ai fost \u021binut toat\u0103 via\u021ba pe uscat la oaste, Ivane! To\u021bi de\u0219tep\u021bii caut\u0103 gioarse c\u00eet mai str\u00eemte, da\u2019 tu…<\/p>\n \ua7f7 R\u00eede\u021bi voi ca pro\u0219tii, dar f\u0103r\u0103\u00a0pic de folos! Vede\u021bi ciuntele astea de ciubote din picioare? Vreo 20 ani s\u0103\u00a0tot fie de c\u00eend mi le-am cump\u0103rat \u0219i r\u0103u m\u0103\u00a0mai rod de-atuncea, spurcatele. Bogdaproste, dar nu am chef s\u0103-mi rod \u0219i beliciul de acum \u00eencolo, dac\u0103 m\u0103 \u00een\u021belege\u021bi!<\/p>\n Aici nu s-a putut ca \u00een\u0219i\u0219i Hristos \u0219i cu\u00a0Sf\u00eentul Petru s\u0103 nu-\u0219i dezgoleasc\u0103 m\u0103car un pic din\u021bii. Dar glume\u021bul nu atrage aten\u021bie \u0219i \u00ee\u0219i cat\u0103 de treab\u0103. Vorba Poetului:<\/p>\n Ah, cum nu-i aicea nime<\/em> Cum i s-a inv\u00eerto\u0219at zebul,\u00a0doar at\u00eeta a trebuit s\u0103 zic\u0103:<\/p>\n \ua7f7 \u00a0Alei, puic\u0103, vin-la neica!<\/p>\n Atuncea s\u0103 vezi tr\u0103snaie. Dup\u0103 ce ce umeze\u0219te pe \u00eendelete \u0219i cu mult spor, unde nu sare o pizd\u0103 ar\u021b\u0103goas\u0103 din mijlocul carului drept \u00een v\u00eerful m\u0103dularului s\u0103u. Vorba Poetului:<\/p>\n Alei, puic\u0103-oi \u015fti s\u0103 lupt<\/em> <\/p>\n \u0218i unde nu \u00eencepe o lupt\u0103 fr\u0103\u021beasc\u0103 \u00eentre carici \u0219i foflenchi de nu se mai \u00een\u021belegea unde-i via\u021b\u0103 \u0219i unde-i moarte:<\/p>\n Bag\u0103 \u0219tiuletele<\/em><\/p>\n P\u00een\u2019la r\u0103d\u0103cin\u0103,<\/em><\/p>\n S\u0103-i r\u0103sar\u0103 pletele<\/em><\/p>\n Sus de la tulpin\u0103.<\/em><\/p>\n Dup\u0103\u00a0ce \u00ee\u0219i scoate f\u0103c\u0103le\u021bul din sf\u00eenta mucenic\u0103, omul \u00ee\u0219i potrive\u0219te n\u0103dragii, \u00ee\u0219i pune boccelu\u021ba pe spate, zic\u00eendu-le:<\/p>\n \ua7f7 Nu v\u0103 fie fric\u0103, fra\u021bilor.\u00a0Dup\u0103 ce sloboz\u0103\u0219ti ca b\u0103rbat, te sloboade ea singur\u0103,\u00a0cu de la sine…<\/p>\n C\u00eend s-au trezit c\u0103 nu au \u00een\u021beles prea bine la ce s-a referit soldatul, la pl\u0103cere sau la via\u021b\u0103, ia-l de unde nu-i. Vorba ceea: unde v\u0103zutu-sa loc sfin\u021bit gol sa r\u0103m\u00een\u0103? Dintre to\u021bi numai\u00a0M\u00eentuitorul s-a tulburat ad\u00eenc \u00een inima sa c\u0103 nu i-a dat \u00een cap s\u0103 caute Pescari de Suflete \u0219i pe aceste locuri moldave uitate de lume. Folosindu-se de momentul c\u0103 fiecare \u021bug\u0103 era prins\u0103 cu g\u00eendul la pizda de care a avut norocul s\u0103 se lipeasc\u0103, Iisus s-a apropiat de \u021b\u0103ran, zic\u00eendu-i:<\/p>\n \ua7f7 Om bun, nu am nicio vin\u0103 c\u0103 doar la sex \u021bi-i g\u00eendul \u0219i, \u00een loc de pule, vezi doar pizde. Dar Cuv\u00eentul dat odat\u0103 r\u0103m\u00eene cuv\u00eent, nu pot s\u0103 anulez binecuv\u00eentarea cu totul. A\u0219a c\u0103 de acum \u00eencolo vei s\u0103m\u0103na boabe de mu\u0219tar \u0219i va rodi tot ce vrei tu s\u0103 rodeasc\u0103.<\/p>\n \u00centors acas\u0103 dup\u0103 aceast\u0103 p\u0103\u021banie, \u021b\u0103ranul desham\u0103 iute boii \u0219i \u00eei las\u0103 \u00een grajd nu \u00eenainte de a le pune nutre\u021b din bel\u0219ug. Apoi gole\u0219te podul de vechituri, \u00eel m\u0103tur\u0103 bine-bine, dup\u0103 care aduce trei bra\u021be de fin mirositor cosit \u00een p\u0103dure, \u00een\u0219ir\u00eendu-l bine peste tot. Merge la car, ia cu mare grij\u0103 fiecare dintre pizdele r\u0103mase ca Fecioara Maria pruncul \u00een iesle \u0219i \u00eei caut\u0103 cu drag cuib de iernat.<\/p>\n C\u00eet \u021bi-i iarna de lung\u0103\u00a0a stat lungit pe cuptor omul, g\u00eendindu-se ce bl\u0103st\u0103m\u0103\u021bie o sa \u00eei ias\u0103 pe ogor \u00een primavar\u0103.\u00a0Cind il apuca damblaua de femei, urca in pod de unde lua c\u00eete un c\u00eerna\u021b sau o bucat\u0103\u00a0de sl\u0103nin\u0103\u00a0afumat\u0103\u00a0pentru nevoile stomacului, \u00een tot acest timp l\u0103s\u00eendu-l liber pe pr\u00eeslea din izmene ca s\u0103\u00a0sm\u00eent\u00eeneasc\u0103\u00a0oalele pizdelor.\u00a0Singura triste\u021be e c\u0103 o cucuvea \u00ee\u0219i cl\u0103dise cuib sub acoperi\u0219, de \u00eel trezea din somn cu spaim\u0103.<\/p>\n De la o vreme se \u00eenn\u0103diser\u0103\u00a0\u0219i \u0219oarecii \u00een pod, de nu pridideau m\u00ee\u021bele satului s\u0103\u00a0flam\u00eenzeasc\u0103. Adev\u0103rul e c\u0103 nu doar \u0219oarecii, ci \u0219i b\u0103rba\u021bii. Fierarul satului, de pild\u0103, tot venea s\u0103\u00a0\u00eentrebe \u021b\u0103ranul dac\u0103 nu are nevoin\u021b\u0103 s\u0103 schimbe balamalele de la poart\u0103\u00a0sau dac\u0103 nu s-au ros potcoavel calului, de\u0219i trecuse doar o s\u0103pt\u0103m\u00een\u0103 de c\u00eend venise cu aceea\u0219i grij\u0103. Ba \u00eentr-o zi ap\u0103ru mai marele jandarmilor \u021bin\u00eend de urechi un copchilandru care, cic\u0103, ar fi trecut prea aproape de gardul \u021b\u0103ranului. P\u00een\u0103 \u0219i cr\u00ee\u0219marul \u00ee\u0219i l\u0103sase cr\u00ee\u0219m\u0103ri\u021ba s\u0103\u00a0serveasc\u0103\u00a0clien\u021bii de una singur\u0103: cum bine se \u0219tie, para din gr\u0103dina vecinului e \u00eentodeauna mai m\u0103l\u0103ia\u021b\u0103. Ce-i mai r\u0103m\u00eene \u021b\u0103ranului de f\u0103cut dup\u0103 ce s-a f\u0103cut de ocar\u0103 \u00een piele de negustor de pule:<\/p>\n Tu pe pizda scof\u00eelcit\u0103<\/em><\/p>\n D\u0103-mi-o … c\u0103\u00a0\u021bi-o dau fleo\u0219tit\u0103.<\/em><\/p>\n \u00cen una din zilele c\u00eend \u00ee\u0219i scutur\u0103 Dochia cojoacele numai iaca intr\u0103\u00a0\u0219i Primariul pe poarta omului, \u00eenso\u021bit de un mare alai.<\/p>\n \ua7f7 Cu ce ocazie pe la s\u0103r\u0103ntocul\u00a0de mine, dom\u2019 Primar? \u00eentreb\u0103 el tocmai cobor\u00eet din pod dup\u0103\u00a0o sfin\u021benie proasp\u0103t\u0103 de pizd\u0103\u00a0mai ceva ca la s\u0103rb\u0103torile de baz\u0103 ale cre\u0219tinit\u0103\u021bii.<\/p>\n \ua7f7 Am auzit, \u021b\u0103rane, c\u0103 nu pl\u0103te\u0219ti dijma pe toate fumurile din cas\u0103! Adev\u0103r gr\u0103ie\u0219te satul?<\/p>\n Dac\u0103-\u0219i d\u0103 sama c\u0103 nu poate sc\u0103pa, m\u0103car s\u0103 se v\u00eend\u0103 scump chite\u0219te \u021b\u0103ranul:<\/p>\n \ua7f7 Dec\u00eet s\u0103 freci menta aiurea, mai bine freac\u0103 ridichea bine, dom\u2019 Primar. A\u0219a c\u0103 nu mai chizdi at\u00eeta din gura ceea, mai bine mergi iute de \u00ee\u021bi alege o joanghin\u0103 dup\u0103 cum \u00ee\u021bi cere sufletul! At\u00eeta doar c\u0103 mi-i podul plin de lilieci \u0219i mi-i \u00een grij\u0103, dac\u0103 se trezesc! I-a zis el, ar\u0103t\u00eendu-i spre scar\u0103.<\/p>\n Pomenindu-se \u00een podul omului, nu vede nimic, doar aude \u0219i simte: ba se \u00eempiedic\u0103 de ni\u0219te arici, ba se fere\u0219te de ni\u0219te m\u00ee\u021be puse la mieunat de credea c\u0103 a venit sf\u00eer\u0219itul lumii. Orbec\u0103it Primarul c\u00eet a orbec\u0103it, c\u0103 nu avea sfetnici s\u0103 \u00eei lumineze calea. Mai pe b\u00eejb\u00eeite, mai pe nimerite, a\u0219a cum s-a \u00eenv\u0103\u021bat cu nevestele satului, \u00ee\u0219i alege o pizd\u0103 c\u00eet ghizdul de la f\u00eent\u00een\u0103, cu g\u00eendul s\u0103-i ajung\u0103 pentru toat\u0103 perioada c\u00eet a fost numit Primar. Aici g\u00eendul i s-a luminat ca ochiul al treilea: \u201eNu ar strica s\u0103 iau poclon c\u00eete un jambon \u0219i pentru mini\u0219trii frunta\u0219i ai \u021b\u0103rii!\u201d Minun\u00eendu-se de de\u0219tept\u0103ciunea sa, mai caut\u0103 cu degetele \u0219i v\u00eerful bocancilor o pizd\u0103 mai clef\u0103it\u0103 Primului Ministriu care, la lumina zilei, p\u0103rea o pung\u0103 ticsit\u0103 cu m\u0103run\u021bi\u0219 adunat de la cump\u0103r\u0103turile din capital\u0103.<\/p>\n Nu trec bine nici trei zile, c\u0103 pe la miezul nop\u021bii aude \u021b\u0103ranul un boc\u0103nit la geam:<\/p>\n \ua7f7 Pe cine dracu\u2019 \u00eel aduce la ora asta?<\/p>\n \ua7f7 Io mi-s Ivan Turbinc\u0103, deschide jup\u00eene!<\/p>\n \u201eA ajuns fala pizdelor mele \u0219i la Palat\u201d, se g\u00eende\u0219te \u00een sinea sa \u021b\u0103ranul nec\u0103jit.<\/p>\n \u00a0C\u00eend deschide, nu vede pe nimeni altcineva dec\u00eet pe soldatul l\u0103sat la vatr\u0103 care i-a ap\u0103rat cu baioneta carul cu puli transformate \u00een pizde precum f\u0103cuse mai \u00eenainte Hristos cu apa \u0219i vinul.<\/p>\n \ua7f7 B\u0103die, nu te deranja. Am dezlegare din Rai s\u0103 aduc Moartea ascuns\u0103 \u00een podul matale.<\/p>\n Soldatul \u00ee\u0219i da rani\u021ba jos, sco\u021b\u00eendu-\u0219i baioneta urc\u0103 iute\u00a0in pod. Aprinde opai\u021bul \u0219i, c\u00eet vede cu ochii, doar pizde \u0219i iar pizde. Cele mai multe \ua7f7 negre ca fundul ceaunului, altele, mai pu\u021bine, ro\u0219cate ca vupea ori suri ca veveri\u021ba. De pe horn erau sp\u00eenzurate \u0219i c\u00eeteva pot\u00eengi cu p\u0103r r\u0103rit, taman ca gr\u0103dina greblat\u0103 \u00een toamn\u0103. Acuma \u00eel doare drept \u00een pul\u0103 pe Ivan. C\u0103, de, nu \u00eei mai fac trebuin\u021b\u0103 foflencile precum b\u0103rba\u021bilor de r\u00eend care abia a\u0219teapt\u0103 s\u0103 se bage de bun\u0103 voie \u00een capcana \u00eensuratului, a\u0219a c\u0103-l las\u0103 rece exclama\u021bia Poetului Na\u021bional:<\/p>\n Oliolio, pizd\u0103 cu din\u0163i,<\/em> <\/p>\n Proasp\u0103t sfin\u021bit, a ajuns soldatul rus priceput la moarte \u0219i la bole\u0219ni\u021be mai ceva ca un doftor. Vorba ceea, unde culege dracul surcele, t\u0103iet-a multe lemne! O strig\u0103 Ivan mai \u00eent\u00eei cu bini\u0219orul pe b\u0103borni\u021b\u0103, apoi cu r\u0103ul. Nimic. O picur\u0103\u00a0cu opai\u021bul, Talpa-Iadului tace una \u0219i bun\u0103. Numa\u2019 \u00eencepe Ivan s\u0103 \u00ee\u0219i frece prepeleacul, c\u0103 pe dat\u0103 Mor\u021bii i se face p\u0103rul vulvoi. O ia el \u00een v\u00eerful baionetei \u0219i scoboar\u0103 scara cu ea, zic\u00eendu-i:<\/p>\n \ua7f7 La turbinc\u0103 cu tine, joanghin\u0103!<\/p>\n Apoi \u00ee\u0219i pune rani\u021ba \u00een spate, lu\u00eendu-\u0219i r\u0103mas bun de la \u021b\u0103ran.<\/p>\n \ua7f7 Plec cu ea la mo\u021bi pe v\u00eerful Muntelui G\u0103ina, s\u0103-i gasesc acolo pe\u021bitori pe potriv\u0103. Iar de acolo nici Raiul nu-i dec\u00eet la o arunc\u0103tur\u0103 de b\u0103\u021b.<\/p>\n \u0218i tot du\u0219i au fost, Ivan Turbinc\u0103 \u0219i Moartea, doar c\u0103 niciodat\u0103\u00a0nu se \u0219tie de unde \u0219i c\u00eend apar \u00een via\u021ba omului. Odat\u0103 cu cei doi \u0219i-a luat zborul \u0219i cucuveaua de pe acoperi\u0219ul casei, iar \u021b\u0103ranului i-a venit de \u00eendat\u0103 mintea la cap. \u0218i-a luat de nevast\u0103 o fat\u0103\u00a0fecioar\u0103\u00a0de-a locului, care mai mergea duminicile la biseric\u0103\u00a0s\u0103\u00a0\u00ee\u0219i spele p\u0103catele cititului adunate peste s\u0103pt\u0103m\u00een\u0103.\u00a0C\u0103 nimic altceva nu i-a r\u0103mas de f\u0103cut ca s\u0103-i \u021bin\u0103 b\u0103rbatului interesul ridicat.<\/p>\n La vremea pr\u0103\u0219itului a venit \u021b\u0103ranul s\u0103 pr\u0103\u0219easc\u0103 dup\u0103 r\u00e2nduial\u0103, da parca tot mai cu tragere de inim\u0103\u00a0ca pe p\u0103pu\u0219oii de anul trecut. C\u0103 ce s-o fi g\u00eendit el \u00een mintea lui: \u201eA da Dumnezeu \u0219i s-or face pizde colcotoase dar str\u00eemte. De\u00a0n-oi ajunge s\u0103 le v\u00eend,\u00a0 le voi p\u0103stra \u00een pod s\u0103 petrec iarna \u00een lini\u0219te \u0219i veselie\u201d. \u0218i \u00ee\u0219i freca de bucurie palmele, care de at\u00eeta uzur\u0103 deveniser\u0103 stacojii.<\/p>\n Dar c\u00e2nd vine omuleanul toamna la cules, ce s\u0103-i vad\u0103 ochii? \u00cen loc de sfintele pizde, c\u00eet \u021bine c\u00eempul numai harbuzoaice care de care mai\u00a0obraznice \u0219i mai t\u00eer\u0219ite, exact ca punga inainte de a fi umpluta cu bani.\u00a0 Unele v\u0103rgate \u0219i dolofane, altele verzi \u0219i alungite, iar la capatul lor lindicuri \u00eentinse pe harage. Atunci \u0219i-a dat seama \u021b\u0103ranul c\u0103 a \u00eenghi\u021bit harbuzul \u0219i trebuie s\u0103 se preg\u0103teasc\u0103 de urma\u0219i.<\/p>\n Nu \u0219tiu ce g\u00eende\u0219ti,\u00a0cititoriule r\u0103bd\u0103tor, da\u2019 eu zic c\u0103 e timpul s\u0103 mai vedem ce fac \u0219i restul personajelor ag\u0103tate deocamdat\u0103 \u00een cui de netrebuin\u021b\u0103.<\/p>\n Tot a\u0219tept\u00eend preuteasa \u0219i cucoana pe popa mai \u00eent\u00eei un ceas, apoi dou\u0103-trei ore, cinci \u0219i \u0219apte, ca s\u0103 nu le treac\u0103 toata noaptea degeaba s-au culcat am\u00eendou\u0103 in patul p\u0103rintelui. Pe la miezul noptii, dec\u00eet s\u0103 le cuprinda frica pe fiecare in parte, au hot\u0103r\u00eet c\u0103 e mai bine s\u0103 se cuprind\u0103 una pe alta. Mirosindu-i v\u0103duvei a corp t\u00een\u0103r l\u00eeng\u0103 ea, nu se prea \u00eendura s\u0103-l mai sloaboad\u0103 din bra\u021be p\u00een\u0103 s-a cr\u0103pat de zi. Ba bine, \u0219i \u00een nop\u021bile care au urmat. La fel \u0219i preoteasa, dup\u0103 ce a descoperit mirat\u0103 c\u0103 exist\u0103 lucruri mai de folos dec\u00eet barba aspr\u0103 a popii.<\/p>\n A doua zi cele dou\u0103 luatu-sau frumos de m\u00een\u0103, pornite s\u0103 caute p\u0103rintele dat pierdut. Au dat peste cutia goal\u0103 a cucoanei, iar alaturi de ea pasc\u00eend o vac\u0103 cam nebunatec\u0103. Ager\u0103 din fire, cucoana de \u00eendat\u0103 \u0219i-a dat seama ce i s-a \u00eent\u00eemplat popei, povestindu-i preotesei fir-de-a p\u0103r p\u0103\u021bania cu \u021b\u0103ranul.<\/p>\n \ua7f7 Nu-i cu sup\u0103rare, cum\u0103tr\u0103. A\u0219a cum din coasta lui Adam a scos Creatorul pe Eva, la fel \u0219i pizda tot din pul\u0103 e ie\u0219it\u0103.<\/p>\n Apoi au luat femeile vaca de funie frumos, duc\u00eend-o la popa acas\u0103. Au \u00eengrijit-o cum au putut ele mai bine, poate-poate i-a ie\u0219i bl\u0103st\u0103m\u0103\u021bia de pisc\u0103l\u0103u r\u0103t\u0103cit \u00een stomacul animalului. \u0218i dac\u0103 tot nu a fost niciun chip, au luat de au c\u0103s\u0103pit s\u0103raca vac\u0103, iar pielea ei t\u0103b\u0103cit\u0103 au ciop\u00eer\u021bit-o, pun\u00eend-o vraf \u00eein cutia de argint poleit\u0103 cu aur. Cum ajungeau noaptea scoteau din ea c\u00eete un petec \u0219i, pun\u00eendu-l \u00eentre p\u00eentecurile \u00eenfierb\u00eentate de femeie, se frecau una de alta ca nebunele. Vorba Poetului:<\/p>\n \u015ei buricul fric\u0103 n-are,<\/em><\/p>\n C\u0103 el merge tot c\u0103lare.<\/em><\/p>\n Da lindicu-i m\u00eenios<\/em><\/p>\n C\u0103 el merge tot pe jos<\/em><\/p>\n Pe spetezea pizdei late<\/em><\/p>\n \u0218i pe bucile-afumate.<\/em><\/p>\n Nu mult le-a trebuit preacucernicelor cucoane \u0219i preotese s\u0103-\u0219i uneasc\u0103 mo\u0219iile de au fost nevoite s\u0103 r\u0103m\u00een\u0103 \u00eempreun\u0103, pomenind mai pu\u021bin \u0219i tot mai pu\u021bin de pop\u0103 p\u00een\u0103 l-au uitat cu totul.<\/p>\n \u00cen schimb nu am uitat noi de popa care, dup\u0103 ce \u0219i-a spurcat trupul cu pula ajuns\u0103 sub obl\u0103duirea cucoanei, n-a mai putut suporta nici duh de femeie \u00een preajma sa. A r\u0103mas p\u0103rintele \u00een p\u0103durea blestemat\u0103, \u00eentemeind \u00een fundul ei un schit ocrotitor cu haramul Preacuviosului Frecisc, unde \u0219i p\u00een\u0103 azi \u00ee\u0219i caut\u0103 ad\u0103post r\u0103spopi\u021bii \u0219i transfugii de la poter\u0103.<\/p>\n Dac\u0103 ma \u00eentrebi de unde le \u0219tiu toatea astea, iubite Cetitoriule, afl\u0103 dar c\u0103 chiar de la omuleanul nostru. Bine, nu chiar de la el direct, ca s\u0103 fiu sincer p\u00een\u0103 la cap\u0103t. Fiind el personaj literar, se mai scap\u0103, cu vorba \u0219i cu fapta, altor personaje ce nu \u00ee\u0219i pot \u021bine limba dup\u0103 din\u021bi. Iat\u0103 \u0219i singurul noroc s\u0103 fii scriitor: ob\u021bii informa\u021bii f\u0103r\u0103 s\u0103 fii angajat la serviciile secrete ale statului.<\/p>\n Ei bine, personajele c\u0103r\u021bilor mele au avut grij\u0103 s\u0103 \u00eemi spun\u0103 cum \u00een fiecare prim\u0103var\u0103 arunc\u0103 \u021b\u0103ranul cu ner\u0103bdare, \u00een p\u0103m\u00eentul reav\u0103n, boabe de mu\u0219tar; toamna, \u00een schimb, roada o duce toat\u0103 la t\u00eerg. Acolo ori\u0219icine, fie parte b\u0103rb\u0103teasc\u0103 sau femeiasc\u0103, \u00ee\u0219i alege fructul \u0219i pom\u0103tul pe potriva credin\u021bei.<\/p>\n Din ce am aflat, ultima dat\u0103 \u021b\u0103ranul trimisese, \u00een semn de mul\u021b\u0103mire, o c\u0103ru\u021b\u0103 plin\u0103 cu pometuri la Schitul Popii. Dac\u0103 poftesc, ortacii s\u0103i, a frecaridichea ori doar menta cu ele, asta nu mai e treaba mea \u0219i nici a ta, iste\u021b Cetitoriule.<\/p>\n Cine \u0219tie, poate peste un alt secol se va ivi vreun moldovean de-al meu s\u0103 aib\u0103 curaj s\u0103 o duc\u0103 mai departe.<\/p>\n Sf\u00eer\u0219it<\/p>\n [Text scris \u00een rezultatul unui pariu estetic \u021binut exact la terminarea Facult\u0103<\/em>\u021b<\/em>i de filologie, Chi<\/em>\u0219<\/em>in\u0103u, 1995]<\/em><\/p>\n \n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" de Igor Ursenco A\u0219a cu sim\u021bul drept\u0103\u021bii cum te \u0219tiu, Preacucernice Cititoriule, rogu-te a nu te \u00eencr\u00eencena pe colegul scriitor \u0219i p\u0103m\u00eenteanul meu Ion Creang\u0103, cel de \u0219i-a l\u0103sat\u00a0\u201ePovestea pove\u0219tilor\u201d nespus\u0103\u00a0\u00een cap\u0103t, exact ca pe o orfan\u0103. Cine \u0219tie ce necazuri p\u0103m\u00eente\u0219ti l-or fi biruit, s\u0103rmanul humule\u0219tean, de a l\u0103sat \u00een m\u00eeinile Creatorului Suprem Soarta […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1625,15],"tags":[1626,359,1115],"class_list":["post-14629","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-egophobia-75","category-proza","tag-egophobia-75","tag-igor-ursenco","tag-proza"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6DakB-3NX","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14629","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=14629"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14629\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":14669,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14629\/revisions\/14669"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=14629"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=14629"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=14629"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}![](\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/i.vgy.me\/L7WwbJ.jpg?w=812&ssl=1\")
<\/p>\n
\nS\u0103 m\u0103 scap de m\u00e2nc\u0103rime<\/em>
\nS\u0103 storc bo\u0163ul \u00eentre craci,<\/em>
\nS\u0103-i sug m\u0103duva din saci.<\/em><\/p>\n
\nCr\u0103p\u0103tura s\u0103 \u0163i-o-nfrupt<\/em>
\nC\u0103 destul am stat pe post<\/em>
\nSub pecete c\u00eet a fost.<\/em><\/p>\n
\nCum m-ai scos \u015fi-acum din min\u0163i.<\/em>
\nM-ai b\u0103gat la cheltuial\u0103<\/em>
\nPentru zam\u0103 \u015fi scrobeal\u0103.<\/em><\/p>\n