{"id":14889,"date":"2023-09-14T17:36:23","date_gmt":"2023-09-14T15:36:23","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/?p=14889"},"modified":"2023-09-16T17:36:33","modified_gmt":"2023-09-16T15:36:33","slug":"poems-by-thomas-elson","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/?p=14889","title":{"rendered":"poems by Thomas Elson"},"content":{"rendered":"

The Day God Disappeared<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou can pretend you talk to Him<\/p>\n

But He ain\u2019t here<\/p>\n

He\u2019s gone.\u201d<\/p>\n

You\u2019re here.<\/p>\n

The day sunny and windless \u2013 rare during the winter.<\/p>\n

Carrion birds stalk lower and lower, suddenly sail up, then<\/p>\n

scroll their way down, finally shooting back up carrying<\/p>\n

their cemetery.<\/p>\n

You\u2019re here.<\/p>\n

But you\u2019re not sure why. Through some fault of yours?<\/p>\n

Who is so angry with you that they\u2019d do this?<\/p>\n

Is it something you failed to do?<\/p>\n

Maybe, because of all the other things you did but were not<\/p>\n

caught?<\/p>\n

Nevertheless, you are here.<\/p>\n

And your throat constricts, then reverses itself<\/p>\n

from a stench that chokes as you awaken to glide<\/p>\n

from sleep into reality inside what remains of your domicile<\/p>\n

with walls the color of ash.<\/p>\n

You settle inside a ghostly vision. Try to sort your thoughts,<\/p>\n

but your memory screams within its cage<\/p>\n

Hunched forward at a round table.<\/p>\n

To your right a man who killed four women<\/p>\n

after climbing through their second story windows<\/p>\n

then stomping them with his climbing spikes.<\/p>\n

To your left a man with two dull blue teardrops<\/p>\n

below his right eye.<\/p>\n

Tomorrow each will pass the other in silence.<\/p>\n

Gaze through. Walk as if not there.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s a hard lesson learned \u2013 that invisible line you cannot cross.<\/p>\n

Not a gate. Nor a fence. Nor a wall.<\/p>\n

But a two-foot demarcation inside which you are required<\/p>\n

to turn away \u2013 look down, hands rigid at your sides, palms exposed.<\/p>\n

Your place is away and away from.<\/p>\n

What you do not know, but will learn is<\/p>\n

your decisions and choices have vanished.<\/p>\n

From this point forward, you cannot make<\/p>\n

an independent decision about where,<\/p>\n

or for how long you can sleep,<\/p>\n

where your drinking water comes from,<\/p>\n

where, or for how long, you can sit.<\/p>\n

Someone else decides for you.<\/p>\n

Your decision-making ability peeled away \u2013<\/p>\n

food, amount, availability, quality,<\/p>\n

When to eat, where to eat.<\/p>\n

Someone else decides for you.<\/p>\n

Nor can you decide on the temperature or<\/p>\n

quality of the air you breathe. Nor your clothes,<\/p>\n

their cleanliness, not even when and with whom<\/p>\n

you shower. You can no longer decide whether<\/p>\n

to open a door, to close a door,<\/p>\n

to stand beside a door, to pass through a door.<\/p>\n

Someone else decides for you.<\/p>\n

You no longer decide how much reading light to have.<\/p>\n

Nor when that light will be dimmed or turned off.<\/p>\n

Not your toothpaste. Not your toothbrush.<\/p>\n

Someone else\u2019s decision.<\/p>\n

Basic medical care. Not today.<\/p>\n

A doctor, unable to speak English or Spanish,<\/p>\n

might be here on Tuesday. Maybe, if he is not somewhere else.<\/p>\n

Pray you do not have any illness requiring medicine not on the formulary. If so, you are shit out of luck.<\/p>\n

Pray there\u2019s someone to talk with<\/p>\n

There isn\u2019t.<\/p>\n

Pretend you\u2019re not here, but you are.<\/p>\n

Someone else has made that decision for you.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

A Place You Could Not Follow<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I\u2019ll soon be there<\/p>\n

And our lives, still joined, will separate<\/p>\n

Maybe ever so slightly – a crack in the foundation<\/p>\n

Possible deeper and faster than anticipated<\/p>\n

My speed will diminish<\/p>\n

My understanding will lessen<\/p>\n

My patience\u00a0 –\u00a0 such as it is \u2013 will dissolve<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I barely survived yesterday –<\/p>\n

Heart irregularities, dizziness, loss of balance<\/p>\n

My fear \u2013 perhaps a recognition from decades<\/p>\n

Working with physicians<\/p>\n

negated a call to the doctor\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Only to be<\/p>\n

sent to the emergency room\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Only to be<\/p>\n

told to sit for ninety minutes\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 To be<\/p>\n

without medication\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Because<\/p>\n

Doctors are in short supply\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Because<\/p>\n

beds are in short supply\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Because<\/p>\n

I\u2019d rather die at home<\/p>\n

even if alone<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I remained silent as you left the house\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 To<\/p>\n

Help your brother\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 To<\/p>\n

Visit your grandson<\/p>\n

I remained on our reclining divan\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 In case<\/p>\n

I fainted\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 In case<\/p>\n

the blood pressure cuff read lower<\/p>\n

the pulse higher<\/p>\n

than before you drove away<\/p>\n

86\/42 \u2013 119 pulse<\/p>\n

64\/31 \u2013 124 pulse<\/p>\n

Repeated every fifteen minutes<\/p>\n

Dizziness and disorientation as if from a blow to the head<\/p>\n

Chest exhausted<\/p>\n

Frozen inside stunned incomprehension\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Decisions<\/p>\n

too complicated\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Movement<\/p>\n

too difficult\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Breaths<\/p>\n

too short.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

At Home With You<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Tomorrow when you emit some earthy epithet at a passing driver<\/p>\n

you will be repeating my words<\/p>\n

Every time you drive on I-70<\/p>\n

you will remember I\u2019m nearby<\/p>\n

Whenever you hold a book, I will be there<\/p>\n

When you touch your sons, you will remember me<\/p>\n

When your granddaughter, and, many years later<\/p>\n

your great-grandsons reach for you, you will see me<\/p>\n

And each evening, I will be at home with you.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Was It Then<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

So full of myself and my future.<\/p>\n

I cannot remember your face on that night. Were you crying? Were your eyes moist? Were you eager for me to stay? To leave? Was it then you decided?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Perhaps it was then<\/p>\n

On that third step to your house<\/p>\n

at two-thirty on that morning<\/p>\n

In that darkness where<\/p>\n

thick trees excluded light<\/p>\n

Merely shards of remaining<\/p>\n

shadows Then a sudden coolness<\/p>\n

as if heat dissipated leaving a<\/p>\n

breeze deleting the detritus of three years.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

On that third step in the familiarity<\/p>\n

three years brings<\/p>\n

From removing<\/p>\n

Touching<\/p>\n

Stroking<\/p>\n

Legs and breasts smoother that anything since<\/p>\n

Lips softer and more accepting<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

That very early morning –\u00a0 so late \u2013<\/p>\n

When I was traveling North<\/p>\n

And you East<\/p>\n

That morning, or maybe just a moment earlier,<\/p>\n

We made our decisions.<\/p>\n

Decisions not realized until much later.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

In that moment before I had to separate<\/p>\n

Perhaps at that very moment,<\/p>\n

We loved<\/p>\n

Were in love<\/p>\n

Wanted to be in love<\/p>\n

When love would never come again<\/p>\n

That exquisite time when loss exerts its pull<\/p>\n

A tug from a heart belted forever with<\/p>\n

regret – never recovered but always<\/p>\n

Pointing in the direction of you.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The Day God Disappeared   \u201cYou can pretend you talk to Him But He ain\u2019t here He\u2019s gone.\u201d You\u2019re here. The day sunny and windless \u2013 rare during the winter. Carrion birds stalk lower and lower, suddenly sail up, then<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1653,77],"tags":[1654,1123,1511],"class_list":["post-14889","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-egophobia-77","category-english","tag-egophobia-77","tag-english","tag-thomas-elson"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6DakB-3S9","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14889","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=14889"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14889\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":14891,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14889\/revisions\/14891"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=14889"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=14889"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=14889"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}