{"id":150,"date":"2009-06-15T07:51:46","date_gmt":"2009-06-15T05:51:46","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/egophobia.ro\/revista\/?p=150"},"modified":"2010-01-22T21:55:26","modified_gmt":"2010-01-22T19:55:26","slug":"fat-man","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/?p=150","title":{"rendered":"Fat Man<\/strong>"},"content":{"rendered":"

by Robert Fenhagen (USA)<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

Brief news story out of Wakefield, R.I.:\u00a0
\n\u201cA flight out of Warwick Airport made it safely through a ferocious storm. At one point, there were\u00a0\u00a0fears that the flight was lost at a point because of\u00a0 faulty communications, but they turned out unfounded, and the flight eventually arrived without incident in Tokyo, Japan\u201d<\/em>\u00a0<\/p>\n

Hey, how ya doing<\/p>\n

What?\u00a0 Oh. The trip was ok, but let me tell you, something really freaky happened on it.\u00a0 No, much worse than that storm.\u00a0 This was really weird, Joe.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

It began with the fat man sitting, or, what passed for sitting, in the outside seat of my row.\u00a0 He kind of came in for a landing, if you follow me.\u00a0 We were on a plane to boot.\u00a0 Yeah.<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0He had made his way down the aisle, excusing himself, and smiling both sickly and shyly, like he was thinking: \u201cI know I\u2019m huge and gross to most of you, but I beg you to let me through.\u201d\u00a0 He had on a Hawaiian shirt that was ridiculous with all of those colors.\u00a0 He looked like a psychedelic hot air balloon.<\/p>\n

Good old flight\u2014number 103, non-stop to Japan.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know if he was forced to pay for two seats, or what, but this was a big boy!\u00a0 I don\u2019t know even how I remember the flight\u2019s number, except for what happened on it.<\/p>\n

When one of the stewardesses was giving her spiel about the plane and life jackets, etcetera, I was eyeballing the sweet, little thing sitting next to me. I was lucky not to have gotten a freaking migraine, because my eyeballs were stretched so much. Yeah, I know.<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0I could not tell you if the plane was a 737, a 747, or a 777.\u00a0 I\u2019m serious; I was paying, like, no attention.\u00a0 To the stewardess.<\/p>\n

It was a long flight ahead of us, and as I said a silent prayer, a very pretty woman sat down, making her sandwiched between a grossly overweight guy, and a terrifically in-shape guy, who wanted to make small talk with her, and see if I might show her the sights upon arrival\u2014one of those sights being the interior of my plush hotel room, which, thank God, work picked up the tab for.<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Naturally, it made me feel good that the powers that be within the hallowed halls of my company thought enough of my skills to put me up at a five star hotel for the length of my stay, but that certainly was balanced out by the fact that I had to catch the first flight out in order to trouble-shoot a wonky program that was allowing some stock traders to quote unconscionably low prices to their pigeons.<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 A lot of those stock traders are personable young stock market gurus, but dig underneath, and they reek of shark\u2014each and every one of them.<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0 I remember the time I was drinking with\u2026, oh, forget that.\u00a0 Let me tell you about how the fat guy changed me, which is saying something, because I \u00a0thought he was just a uncontrolled,\u00a0 stupid as a fat, \u00a0\u00a0red-neck, or in his case\u2013 dead neck,\u00a0 pig. Pure and simple.\u00a0<\/p>\n

He was fat, I was not. Again\u2013 simple.<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 About two, or maybe it more like four, hours into the flight, the steward came around inquiring about refreshments.<\/p>\n

I order a glass of champagne and she ordered glass of bottled water of some kind.\u00a0\u00a0 She looked like a health freak and certainly had the body of a health freak, let me tell you!<\/p>\n

He ordered a fat, calorie-laden soft drink.\u00a0 No wonder he was huge.<\/p>\n

After another little while, the steward returned to our first class seats, and began to distribute the probably pre-poured drinks. \u00a0\u00a0For some reason, they did not have pre-poured champagne.\u00a0 They ran out, or something, so gave me real stuff.<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 In any event, all was going winningly, as I toasted the young lady, and ignored as best I could the behemoth squished into the very comfortable, very plush seat next to her.<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Fat-so.<\/p>\n

This is where, like every good story, the wind really began to shake the plane and the lightning seemed to be close enough to reach out and touch.\u00a0 Oh, hey, did I tell you the one about the sixty \u2013foot penis that wants to reach out and touch someone?\u00a0 Oh,\u00a0\u00a0never mind\u2026..\u00a0<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0I forget what I\u2019m talking about sometimes, so I\u2019d better finish this story before I forget it.<\/p>\n

Oh yeah.<\/p>\n

Anyway, I guess a bolt of lightning hit the plane, because there was a loud bang and the cabin lights flickered, and all hell broke loose.\u00a0 The sweet-looking girl next to me squealed and grabbed my arm\u2014which wasn\u2019t bad.\u00a0 I almost wished we were heading down into the drink, so I could find out where she would grab if she knew we were going down.\u00a0 \u201cLast call for sex-a-hol\u2013if you catch my drift, which is exactly what it looked as if\u00a0 we\u00a0 might be doing in not too much longer\u2013 drifting among the wreckage of Flight whatever the hell numbers it was.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ll never forget that moment, because I felt her fingernails dig into me as if I was trying to rape her, or something.<\/p>\n

\u201cAhh.\u00a0 What are you doing?!\u201d I yelled, and looked over at her, shocked by the strength of her digging fingernails.\u00a0 She was eviscerating my freaking arm.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m telling you, Joe, she was sheet-white, but was shaking, too, and when I looked around for the cause, there was Fatso. He had spilled his soda all over the place!<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 It was like he was this huge guy, so even though they serve drinks in those little, squat glasses, his sugar bomb seemed to have been served up in a fifty-gallon drum, because there was soda from here to kingdom come.<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I don\u2019t know how he managed to spill so much soda from such a tiny glass.\u00a0 Magician, I guess.\u00a0 I can just see it now\u2013 come see\u00a0\u00a0 \u2018The Amazing Fatso!\u201d\u00a0 Know what I mean?<\/p>\n

Anyways, this girl is sheet white and digging her fingernails in my arm, and I\u2019m noticing that she\u2019s shaking to boot.\u00a0 I watched her for a second until a giant bolt of lightning banged the wing outside my window.\u00a0 Scared me half to death!<\/p>\n

I thought, \u201cOh, man, we are toast.\u201d\u00a0 You know?\u00a0 Hey, Joe, I\u2019m over here.\u00a0 Yeah, she\u2019s hot, but pay attention to what I\u2019m telling you.\u00a0 This is freaky.<\/p>\n

So anyways, I\u2019m feeling like I may have messed myself, and I\u2019m looking around. Joe, I\u2019m serious here.\u00a0 Listen to me.<\/p>\n

I see that the fat man is sitting really quietly, and then I see that he\u2019s patting the girl\u2019s hand.\u00a0 My girl!\u00a0\u00a0 The piece of tail that I\u2019m hoping to make time with after we get off of this horrible flight.<\/p>\n

I couldn\u2019t help myself, so I said: \u201cYou know, this is not<\/em> the time to be making moves on this young lady.\u00a0 We could be dying here, you know.\u201d I talked just like that\u2014proper, you know?<\/p>\n

Now, this is how I was changed by this fat guy, and you\u2019d better not tell anybody down at Old Mountain Lanes.\u00a0 Hey, I\u2019ve got money riding that we\u2019re \u00a0taking \u00a0first place in the bowling competition, and I don\u2019t want any stories floating around.\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0No, I don\u2019t mean he changed my diaper, hah-ha, you moron.\u00a0 He said to me, and get this.\u00a0\u00a0 He says:<\/p>\n

\u201cShe\u2019s an epileptic, and is having a seizure.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I looked at this pile of flesh, and said:<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, she\u2019s not.\u00a0 She\u2019s just scared.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n

I\u2019ll tell you, Joseph.\u00a0 You know me.\u00a0 You knew me when I was carrying around that excess baggage, but then began taking care of myself, and here I am\u2014a fit and trim one-sixty.\u00a0 I never told you this, but I was feeling really disgusted with myself, and now when I see somebody grossly fat, I hate them, and at that moment, I detested this fat pile of poop.\u00a0<\/p>\n

I guess I see them as a reflection of my former self, you know, before I got the religion of health. People who have not seen the light\u00a0\u00a0 are undisciplined, fat slobs\u2013 at least as far as I\u2019m concerned.<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Anyway, I figured that she was sheet white and was digging in my arm because she was scared, you know.<\/p>\n

But, noooooo!<\/p>\n

At that point, Fatso says: \u201cThe reason why she grabbed your arm is because she felt a seizure coming on.\u201d\u00a0 He couldn\u2019t even lean forward to tell me; he just swiveled that giant head of his and spoke to me.\u00a0 He had these really fat man features, all jowls and flesh, but, I\u2019ll tell you, he had some far-out eyes, even though at first, they just looked like little pig eyes to me.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 When he looked at me, I had to look away, so pretended to be interested in the storm outside.\u00a0 Lightning was spearing all over the place and all I could see was the silver wing would light up every few moments like some kind of Doctor Bizzaro discotheque.<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I was watching rain running down the Plexiglas, but, also, was avoiding looking back at this fat \u00a0guy in the outer seat.<\/p>\n

At that moment, there was a huge bang, again, lightning flashed, and then all of a sudden, we are flying in sunlight.<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0I mean no thunder, no lightning, no dark clouds, nothing.\u00a0 It was as if we flew into Shangri-La, you know?\u00a0 If I didn\u2019t know how corny it sounded, I\u2019d say we were visiting Heaven.<\/p>\n

I thought about it, and I guess we just outflew the storm, is all. It was weird.<\/p>\n

The fat man just looked at me, or, through me, and said in this real dreamy, almost as if he were stoned<\/em> voice:<\/p>\n

\u201cShe\u2019ll be alright, now.\u201d<\/p>\n

I looked right into this guy\u2019s eyes, and do you know; I couldn\u2019t say anything, I mean\u2013 Joe, I could not say one freaking thing.<\/p>\n

It was as if his eyes were these deep pools of warm broth just like my Grandma used to make.\u00a0 My Grandma, you moron.\u00a0 Grandmother, you know.<\/p>\n

Where are you from, Joseph?\u00a0 The moon?<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Anyway, this giant guy had me frozen in his looking.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know what I mean, but I\u2019m telling you, I could not look away.\u00a0 Do you remember when my boss had me go to that seminar on language skills because he was afraid I might accidentally offend some big wheel, because I didn\u2019t always say what I mean?<\/p>\n

Well, I\u2019m telling you right now.\u00a0 Do you understand me okay?\u00a0 Sufficiently?<\/p>\n

I think this man was God.\u00a0 I swear to you on a stack of bibles.\u00a0\u00a0 I think this fat guy, who had to squeeze into his plush, first class airliner seat was either God, or one of God\u2019s guys.\u00a0 He looked at me and I felt this light inside of me.\u00a0 I mean, remember, Joe, we had been in one hellava storm.\u00a0 Lightning, the whole bit, and then, shazam!\u00a0 We are in sunshine and nice skies.\u00a0 This guy stopped this woman\u2019s seizures\u2026<\/p>\n

How do I know she was having a seizure?\u00a0 How do I know she wasn\u2019t just scared?<\/p>\n

HE told me, you moron.\u00a0 Remember?<\/p>\n

Joe, don\u2019t go blabbing this to Pete, or, Paulie down at the bowling allies\u2013 I\u2019m serious about that. I didn\u2019t go back to school; take all of those credits to get ahead in Tex-Ron just to be dis<\/em>-credited by my best friend, that fortunate fellow being, you, Joseph.<\/p>\n

Joe, what are you looking at? \u00a0I am serious here.\u00a0 This \u2018guy\u2019, whoever he was, I <\/em>think, had a close, personal relationship with the big man upstairs.\u00a0\u00a0 Think about it.\u00a0 Me on a plane\u2014in the air<\/em>, severe storm.\u00a0 Plane could be going down, girl in trouble, or, sick somehow, guy both helps her, and then suddenly we\u2019re in the clear\u2014weather-wise, and he looks at me with those amazing eyes.\u00a0 Joe, I\u2019m talking miracles.<\/p>\n

Will you quit staring at me?! Come on, watch where you\u2019re going!\u00a0 Hey, did you know that there are statistically more accidents, and deaths in cars then there are on planes? True statement.\u00a0 I think.<\/p>\n

Anyway, here we are.<\/p>\n

\u201cCome on.\u00a0 I\u2019m hungry.\u201d<\/p>\n

Look at the size of that guy.\u00a0 Must be new. What a whale.\u00a0 I guess Mary\u2019s off.\u00a0 This guy has not missed a meal in a long <\/em>time. Shhh<\/em>, here he comes.<\/p>\n

We\u2019ll have the breakfast specials.\u00a0 Thanks.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Hey, Joe, what is he, a wise-guy?\u00a0 Giving us donuts to start with\u2013just what I need, right, after slaving for all of those months to loose a hundred pounds.<\/p>\n

Huh?<\/p>\n

Oh. \u00a0He said, \u201cThis will fix you up, you\u2019ll be alright now.\u00a0 I guess he was talking to me, why?<\/p>\n

Joe, hey, where are you going?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

by Robert Fenhagen (USA) \u00a0 Brief news story out of Wakefield, R.I.:\u00a0 \u201cA flight out of Warwick Airport made it safely through a ferocious storm. At one point, there were\u00a0\u00a0fears that the flight was lost at a point because of\u00a0 faulty communications, but they turned out unfounded, and the flight eventually arrived without incident in […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[7,22],"tags":[9,1123,25,1116],"class_list":["post-150","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-7","category-short-story","tag-egophobia-22","tag-english","tag-robert-fenhagen","tag-short-story"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6DakB-2q","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/150","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=150"}],"version-history":[{"count":31,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/150\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3479,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/150\/revisions\/3479"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=150"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=150"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=150"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}