by Laura Lambie<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0The door slammed shut with an echoing thud. John crossed the room, sat down, folded his handcuffed hands and smiled. \u201cSo, you came for a visit, finally. It\u2019s good to see you again.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cLikewise,\u201d replied Luke, taking a gold case from the pocket of his suit. He opened it and held it out. \u201cCigarette?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cNo thanks. I gave up smoking. You could spend every waking moment in here smoking.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019ve given up one of the only pleasures available to you?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah, I didn\u2019t want to turn into a chain smoker.\u201d<\/p>\n
Luke nodded, took out a matching gold lighter and lit his cigarette. He took a long inhale and let it out slowly. \u201cYou\u2019re looking well, John. Surprisingly well.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cThank you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cAfter your sentencing I was expecting you to be a wreck.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI was at first. But, things change. I have to say though, you\u2019re actually looking a little rough around the edges.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Luke sat back. \u201cAhh, well, Katarina is divorcing me. And she\u2019s very vindictive.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cOh you know, things ended up,\u201d Luke waved his cigarette, \u201ccomplicated.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cAnother complication.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cLife is full of them, as you know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cWho is she?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cIvana.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cNot Ivana, Katerina\u2019s daughter?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cWe fell in love. It happens.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u201cI guess it does. So, you think that this relationship, out of all of them, this time, with your wife\u2019s daughter, you\u2019ll find what you\u2019re looking for.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cSoon to be ex-wife. And you know how I am, I\u2019m eternally hopeful. I\u2019ve been hopeful all my life that I\u2019ll find the right woman.\u201d Luke finished his cigarette and ground it out in the ashtray. As he lit another, he examined John; his eyes looked clear and serene, as though he were back at the country club, relaxing with a drink, looking out over the water. \u201cAnd how are you coping in here, with none of the pleasures you were used to before?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cAt first it was terrible. It was like, the stream of sensations that I was used to, that got me through life, were suddenly snatched away. At first, it was torture.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI can imagine. The lack of women alone. Remember that last one you were dating?\u201d he shook his head. \u201cShe was gorgeous.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cJessica. Yeah, she was amazing looking. But like I said, things change. And what happened between you and Katarina? Remember that dinner we had, after you two first got together? You said that she was the one and you were finally happy.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Luke nodded. \u201cI remember. I think at the time she fulfilled a certain need in me that made me believe that. But in the end, what we had between us just wasn\u2019t enough.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cBut think about it. You become dissatisfied in every relationship, and you always move on to the next woman.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI just hadn\u2019t found the right girl yet. But after all I\u2019ve been through, the gods have finally smiled on me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cBut don\u2019t you think leaving one woman for another has something to do with why the relationship always falls apart in the end?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Luke took a long inhale. \u201cYou\u2019re looking at it from the wrong perspective.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cFive marriages, girlfriend after girlfriend\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u201cThe search for love isn\u2019t easy. No one ever said it was.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cDid you ever think your compulsion to go to the next woman is remorse? That you\u2019re trying to escape feelings of remorse? Think about it, Marlene was a wreck for a long time after you left her for Katarina. Maybe that\u2019s part of why your relationship with Katarina fell apart and wasn\u2019t the fairytale you thought it would be.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cWell, I\u2019ll admit that I did make a mistake in marrying Marlene. I got caught up in her beauty, but in the end there really wasn\u2019t much there between us.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cBut the point is, she was struggling for a long time after you left her. I know you, that wasn\u2019t easy on you. Now you\u2019ve left Katarina for her daughter, remorse will creep back up, remorse you can never alleviate.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Luke took a pull from his cigarette. \u201cWell, I have to say, this sort of talk is very amusing coming from a man who\u2019s been convicted of stealing millions of dollars.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 John smiled. \u201cI know, I know, it sounds like hypocrisy. But, if anyone should know about remorse, it\u2019s me. I know more about it than most people.\u201d He looked around. \u201cThis luxurious place will be my home for the next ten years.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Luke ground out his cigarette and let out a low, growling laugh. \u201cDon\u2019t tell me you\u2019ve been born again in prison, you\u2019ve accepted Jesus into your heart, and now you\u2019re free of all guilt.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cOh well, I wish it were all that simple.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 There was a buzz; the guard entered the room. \u201cTime\u2019s up, let\u2019s go.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cWell, it\u2019s been a very interesting visit,\u201d said Luke, standing up. \u201cI\u2019ll come back next week. We need to finish this conversation.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cOK, same time, same place, next week.\u201d<\/p>\n
********<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Luke got into his car and started the engine. At the end of the prison driveway he turned onto the tree-lined road, cracked the window and lit a cigarette. He took a long inhale; what a strange thing it was that John had judged his love life. John, the man who had scammed hundreds of people out of their mortgage downpayments for five years, who had pled not guilty and maintained his innocence until definitive proof was found by the prosecutor. Proof he couldn\u2019t deny. John had actually sat there, in his orange clothes, hands shackled, lecturing him. But still, Luke was intrigued. Something was different about John, and he wanted to hear more about what his life was like in jail.<\/p>\n
\u00a0He accelerated and merged onto the highway, then reached over and turned on the radio. A soft saxophone line floated over slow brushes on the drums, surrounded by light, languorous piano chords. The music\u2019s soft sweetness reminded him of Ivana\u2019s eyes\u2014with their, bright sapphire-streaked irises\u2014in her rare, unguarded moments, when the sparkling mysterious gems softened and were shot through with warmth, and Luke felt as though he were part of a radiant summer day. A little while longer and he would be with her, huddling in her tiny apartment, drinking a glass of wine, watching her talk about her day, looking at her smooth, translucent skin, seeing, every now and again, that smile that lit everything up play over her face; he would lose himself in the loveliness of her beauty, flowering in the unrepeatable blossom of youth.<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The thing that John didn\u2019t understand was how Luke felt about Ivana; what the moment had been like when he knew he was in love with her. That fateful night, when he and Katerina had yet another fight, and she had stormed out of the house and driven away in her convertible. Luke had gone out to the pool. He stood there, smoking a cigarette, looking out over the water onto the expansive view of hills dotted with houses.<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 There was a sudden splash; Ivana popped up out of the water. \u201cHey Luke,\u201d she said. \u201cJust getting my laps in.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Luke always stayed inside when Ivana did laps; there was no use letting his eyes wander to Ivana in her bikini. After all, he had Katarina, who was gorgeous. Yes she was forty-five, but with a little help from her aesthetician she looked almost as young as Ivana.<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cGood evening, Ivana.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI heard mom leave.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Luke let out a deep sigh. \u201cYes, we had another argument unfortunately.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Ivana climbed up the ladder and stood on the deck. \u201cYou wanna talk?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Luke went inside and got a bottle of wine and two glasses. They sat, looking out at the view, holding their glasses full of garnet liquid.<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cWhat have you been up to lately? You haven\u2019t been home much,\u201d said Luke.<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cThe show is taking a lot more work than I thought. The artist keeps changing his mind about which pieces he wants to show. I\u2019ve been there late every night.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cSo you\u2019ve been neglecting Tommy.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cNo. We broke up.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cWe broke up because I have feelings for someone else.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cOh?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cYes, for quite some time.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cLet me guess, it\u2019s Ralph. You did hire him based on his looks, right?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cOh, no, I don\u2019t go for young guys like that. I like distinguished men.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Luke nodded. \u201cWell, when you grow up without your father, you look for that.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u201cYeah, but the one I have feelings for\u2026 well, it\u2019s complicated.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cOh?\u201d Luke turned to her; her eyes said it all. In an instant a smoldering fire rose up and engulfed Luke\u2019s heart; the very moment itself felt as though it were weighed down by passion, as though passion shot through the air between them, uniting them.<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 He reached over and touched her hand.<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Katarina hadn\u2019t taken it well. Luke had narrowly missed getting a concussion when he told her; she had picked up the crystal ashtray from his desk and pitched it at his head. He ducked at the last second and it flew into the glass curio cabinet behind him and shattered it.<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Now he was embroiled in another divorce, but he didn\u2019t care. He would do anything, give up anything, for the woman he loved. And John was wrong, he had been able to deal with Katarina\u2019s reaction. Yes, it had been hard that night she came to the house, banging on the front door in an old tee-shirt and pajama pants, her hair tangled and sloppy and her eyes red and swollen. She was weeping, and Luke didn\u2019t know what to do so he put his arms around her.<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cHow could you do this to me? I\u2019m humiliated. And with my own daughter.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 He held her for a long time. But when the weeping subsided, she pulled out of his arms and spat in his face. \u201cI curse the day I met you. I hate you. Do you hear me? I hate you!\u201d She smacked him across the face and stormed out of the house.<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 He didn\u2019t understand why she had taken it so hard. She had two divorces behind her, she knew that sometimes things simply didn\u2019t work out. The heart wanted what it wanted; what good would it do to stay with a woman he didn\u2019t love? Is that what Katerina wanted? To stay for the rest of her life in a loveless marriage?<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Luke turned onto Ivana\u2019s street. As time went by, Katarina would see that it was all for the best. She should know passion often overcame reason; after all, she herself had fallen in love with Luke while she was still married to her second husband. He pulled up to the curb; Ivana was waiting for him. He ground out his cigarette and climbed the stairs to the apartment.<\/p>\n
********<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The sound of the bars closing echoed through the cell block, dwindling to silence. John lay down on his bunk and put his hands behind his head. He knew how things would turn out between Luke and Ivana; after a year or two, when the newness faded, and what Luke had done began creeping back up on him, the relationship would fall apart.<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Of course it was ridiculous of John, of all people, to analyze someone else\u2019s life. But he knew, more than anyone, what Luke was doing. The self-deception, the denial. When John had been scamming people, somewhere inside himself he had known it was wrong, but he didn\u2019t let that knowledge come up to the surface of his consciousness. He had the parties, the women, the round of social events to keep him occupied. As a result the current of his mind was serene, like a calm, glassy lake.<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Except sometimes in the dark, still night, when he lay awake, alone, muscles tense, heart pounding, the thought of the latest person he had stolen from would course through his brain as though it were a high voltage surge of electricity with no off switch. He would shoot up out of bed, go down to the kitchen and pour himself a whiskey neat. He would stand at the kitchen window, looking out at the shadows of his vast backyard, trying to talk himself out of it. He only stole from wealthy people, and OK, lately, because he had so many payments to make, he had stolen from a few elderly people, but those were only isolated incidents. The people he stole from were those types of guys all over the country club\u2014arrogant, entitled, born with silver spoons in their mouths.<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 He had hated those guys growing up, those guys who came from the rich part of town, who ran his high school. Even the teachers had favored them. Every day when John walked home from school to the tiny house with the grey paint peeling around the door, he knew exactly what would happen. His mother, her eyes riveted on the TV, would say, \u201chow was school?\u201d He would look at her, in her shapeless dress, as she took an inhale from her cigarette; at her worn, colorless face, the mouth starting to droop on the sides, her eyes dull and lifeless.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt was fine.\u201d He would trudge up the stairs to his room, dreading the moment his father came home after a long day of pipefitting, when his voice would float up the stairs, dripping with sneering anger, sounding to John as though it were some sort of poison rolling out of him and spreading throughout the house. When his father went into the kitchen to get his first beer of the night his mother would set about making dinner, banging the pots and pans in protest of the angry words he had showered on her when he came in.<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0When John had become wealthy, it had lifted a great weight from him; the grinding feeling of inferiority had lifted away. Now he was the one in control, he was the one with the money and power, he was the one to choose who was his equal and who wasn\u2019t, he was the one who was friends with the mayor, he was the one who was admired and respected. His parents had looked at him as though he were a god. He had lifted them up to where they had always wanted to be; he bought them a big house and fine clothes. His mother\u2019s dream of having a big house had come true; she puttered around it all day long, cleaning, dusting, sweeping; she even scrubbed the kitchen tiles herself once a week. \u201cIf I want it done right I have to do it myself. You know how it is.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 But then, of course, he had brought disgrace onto his parents. When he was arrested, he denied everything; in the trial he pled not guilty. When the evidence came out and he was convicted, he had been shocked. And the sentence. It was a new DA who was trying to be tough on crime. Ten years.<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The first few days in jail had been torture. Alone in his cell, the long night stretching before him, nothing to think about but what he had done. Then the nightmares began; he would wake up drenched in sweat, filled with dread, staring into the darkness of his cell, feeling like there was something in there that was going to suffocate him. Night after night the nightmares plagued him. He spent his days lying in his bed, staring up at the cracked ceiling, suffering.<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0 The remorse began to haunt him. As he walked down the cellblock to the cafeteria, he was convinced he saw one of the old men he had stolen from glaring at him from the shadows of a cell. At night, when he closed his eyes, there was the old man, his eyes like pinpoints of burning fire, scorching John\u2019s being with shame.<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 One night he woke up from another nightmare; as he stared into the darkness he knew that remorse was going to eat him alive for the rest of his life. He wondered, for the first time, if there was something else, something besides his needs and experiences, his wants and his life. His mind had traveled out of the jail cell, up into the black night sky peppered over with pinpricks of light\u2014what was it all? Why was anything even here? How had it all come about?<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 A few years before John had a conversation with Luke as they had been having drinks at the outside bar at the country club. Luke had drunk more than usual; as he had fingered his glass and looked out over the water, glowing silver-grey under the moonlight, he had said, in a low, even voice, that he felt that life was only a series of meaningless moments that led to death. John had been taken aback; Luke gave off the image of an urbane, sophisticated man, he had a dry sense of humor and was very personable and upbeat. A moment later Luke had laughed it off. \u201cJust one of my meaningless ramblings,\u201d and he had gone on to talk about his golf stroke.<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Now John believed that Luke\u2019s view of life was incomplete. He remembered the many conversations he had with Luke at the club, all the golf games; after all that had happened Luke had still come to visit him in jail. He closed his eyes and let his mind drift. It was late afternoon now, outside the sun was getting lower in the sky; he imagined the dimming light slanting onto the lawn around the prison yard; his mind united with the sunshine, he felt it as it began to fade and the western sky was overtaken with radiant orange light. As his mind floated, he put out thoughts of hope for Luke, that he would find the love and meaning he was seeking; John\u2019s thoughts merged with the light, and spread out with it, illuminating the horizon.<\/p>\n
********<\/p>\n
Luke pulled into the parking lot. In between moments of bliss with Ivana, he had thought about what John had said. About the trail of broken relationships he had left behind leading all the way back to his first wife Bridget. She was never the same after he left her. Years later he saw her again: thin and severe, her youthful charm completely vanished, leaving only a drawn, serious face.<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 But what John didn\u2019t understand was that Luke\u2019s whole inner life was turned towards finding love. The other relationships before Ivana, they weren\u2019t real; when he looked at Ivana they disappeared behind him, under the mist of the past. The night before he had reread one of his favorite poems by E.E. Cummings:<\/p>\n
Love is a place \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 That was what love did, it subsumed the past, transmuted it, so that everything from the past was contained within it and cleansed. As Luke went through security and was led into the sterile visiting room he realized that John didn\u2019t understand what his love for Ivana meant to him. John saw her as another link in a chain of lovers; he didn\u2019t get that she was the culmination of his long and arduous search.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 There was a loud buzz, the door opened and John entered.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cLuke, good to see you, thanks for coming,\u201d he said, sitting down.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cOf course.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cHow are things with Ivana?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cWonderful. How are things in here?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cNot bad, could be worse.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Luke lit a cigarette. \u201cHow? How could it be worse?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI could be the way I was before.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cWhat changed? I\u2019ve been very curious.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 John unfolded his hands and leaned back in his chair. He began to speak, looking past Luke, his eyes gazing at some distant thing\u2026.<\/p>\n John had been lying in his cell trying to fall asleep to get away from his thoughts. To stop seeing the old man who had come into his office, a web of wrinkles spreading over his face when he smiled, telling John he was a veteran, and how much the new home meant to him. How John had still gone ahead and stolen from him. He couldn\u2019t even have a drink to try and escape from it; it burned and twisted into his brain, burrowing deeper and deeper.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 He was trying to remember what Jessica looked like, to at least have the distraction of seeing her in his imagination, when someone cleared their throat loudly. John opened his eyes; someone was standing outside his cell, wearing a black suit and white collar. A priest. The last person in the world he wanted to see. The last thing he needed to hear was how evil he was, how stealing was a violation of the Ten Commandments. \u201cI\u2019m not interested.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The priest cleared his throat again. \u201cYou marked off that you were Catholic. We\u2019re having a penance mass tomorrow. You can confess anything. Think of it as your get out of jail free card, if you\u2019ll pardon the pun.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cGet out of jail free card?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The priest nodded. \u201cYour chance to confess and receive forgiveness. For anything.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Why did this guy think John needed forgiveness from some mythical God looking down at the world and allowing wars, famines, and abuse? But, at the same time, John was intrigued. What sort of being offered free forgiveness? To criminals no less. All he remembered about church when he was a child was going with his mother, and afterwards she would gossip about everyone she had seen there. \u201cDid you hear, she never cooks for her husband? And oh yeah, so-and-so\u2019s husband was out late at night with the neighbor. And\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cThe first saint was a criminal. You remember the story of the thief on the cross?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 John sat up. \u201cNo, I don\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cHe was one of two thieves being crucified with Jesus. One of the thieves said to Jesus, are you not the Christ? Save yourself and us. The other thief, Saint Dismas, said we\u2019re condemned justly, we\u2019re receiving the due reward for our deeds, but this man has done nothing wrong. He turned to Jesus and said, remember me when you come into your kingdom. And Jesus said to Saint Dismas, today you will be with me in paradise.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 John stood up and approached the bars. \u201cSo Jesus forgave him just like that? In spite of his crimes?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cYes, that\u2019s the mercy of God.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m a thief too,\u201d said John, quietly.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cWell, then, you\u2019re a perfect candidate for the penance mass. Will you attend?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 For the first time, John looked up and into the priest\u2019s eyes. \u201cYes, I\u2019ll go.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 As John sat in the auditorium, watching the old ritual that hadn\u2019t seen since he was eighteen, he examined the priest. Would he be able to confess to him? What sort of man was he? What would he think of John\u2019s confession? As the time for penance got closer, he found that his heart was pounding. At one point, he decided to leave; he had even stood up, but then he remembered what waited for him back in his cell\u2014the torture of endless remorse. So, he sat back down, and when the priest asked everyone to get in a line, with trembling legs he stood up.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 When his turn came, he stared at the priest; he was young, black hair, caramel skin. He said with a thick accent, \u201cwhat are your sins?\u201d John closed his eyes; all he could see was the face of the old man, he knew that was all he would ever see when he closed his eyes for the rest of his life. He opened them and looked at the priest. \u201cI stole fifteen million dollars, and many of the people I stole from were elderly.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The priest held up his hand, and as he traced out a cross in the air he said, \u201cI absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. God loves you, go in peace.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 At that moment John felt something new enter him; something he at first couldn\u2019t make sense of. To lay bare to another human being what he had done, and then, after that, to hear words of love and forgiveness\u2014the moment marked a total change for him. Something before unknown to him invaded his being; it filled with life the emptiness and the degradation; in a moment a new perspective opened up to him, an unknown universe.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 He made the sign of the cross and returned to his seat. After the service he went back to his cell, and when the guard closed the bars, he felt free. Freer than he ever had, when he was chained to his need to get money at any cost, chained to his past, chained to his own desires. If he hadn\u2019t gone to jail he wouldn\u2019t have repented; he would have always been a slave to his desires and his compulsions, pursuing them forever, never knowing how to end it, always thinking happiness was on the horizon\u2014he just had to steal one more time and then he would find what he was looking for, what he needed, what would complete his life. He had looked around at his jail cell; now it was all over and a new life awaited him.<\/p>\n Luke puffed on his cigarette. \u201cSo, now you feel you have forgiveness from a mythical sky father, and so now you\u2019re free from your past?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cThink about it, Luke, you look for absolution with each new woman. Woman after woman you think you\u2019ve found the one and she\u2019s solved all your problems, you\u2019re absolved from your past, it disappears, but it never lasts. When I stole, it was a compulsion. Every time I stole, a part of me would know it was wrong, and because of that, I was compelled to do it again, to prove to myself that it wasn\u2019t wrong. I<\/em> could do it, I <\/em>could get away with it, it was OK for me. <\/em>But I was a slave to it.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u201cWell, that\u2019s certainly interesting,\u201d said Luke, even as he thought to himself that it was all out of desperation. What else did John have, sitting there in his jail cell? It was kind of like how the poor in the third world were attracted to the Church; it was all they had.<\/p>\n The door buzzed and the guard entered. \u201cTime\u2019s up.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0Luke smiled and held out his hand. \u201cI\u2019m glad you told me, it\u2019s very interesting. It was good to see you. I\u2019ll be back again soon.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 John smiled. \u201cYou take good care of yourself. And I hope things with Ivana work out.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cOh yes, they will, I\u2019m sure of it.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Luke shook John\u2019s shackled hand and stood up. \u201cSo good to see you. Really.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cYou too. Bye, Luke. Thank you for coming.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Before Luke left the room he looked back; John was smiling at him.<\/p>\n Luke pulled out of his parking spot and headed down the driveway. He wondered what would happen to John over his ten years in jail. Would he persist in this newfound religiosity, or would he see through it and face what his life really was? It would be interesting to find out.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 His mind wandered back to Ivana. It was true, last night she had been a little out of it, not quite herself, not filled with her usual effervescence. But what did he expect, after all, she had had a phone call from her mother.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 But that would pass, nothing would cloud their love; his future stretched out before him, a vision of serenity and happiness\u2014yes, the gods had finally smiled on him. He switched on the radio and turned onto the narrow, tree-lined road.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" by Laura Lambie \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0The door slammed shut with an echoing thud. John crossed the room, sat down, folded his handcuffed hands and smiled. \u201cSo, you came for a visit, finally. It\u2019s good to see you again.\u201d \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cLikewise,\u201d replied Luke, taking a gold case from the pocket of his suit. He opened it and […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1730,77],"tags":[1728,1123,1719],"class_list":["post-15467","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-egophobia-83","category-english","tag-egophobia-83","tag-english","tag-laura-lambie"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6DakB-41t","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15467","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=15467"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15467\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":15470,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15467\/revisions\/15470"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=15467"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=15467"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=15467"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\nand through this place of love
\nmove (with brightness of peace) all places. <\/em><\/p>\n