by Kenneth M. Kapp<\/p>\n
Sam was doing his best to exercise more. If he went shopping, he\u2019d go in the morning and park the car at the far end of the store\u2019s lot. If he had only a couple of bags of groceries, he\u2019d leave the car on the street instead of pulling into his driveway. Then he\u2019d carry the packages in, making two or three trips if necessary. And after supper, if the weather were nice, he\u2019d take a short walk. But there was a caveat, as he explained to the kitchen table, \u201cNice is relative, it doesn\u2019t have to be pouring rain for me to not<\/em> walk.\u201d<\/p>\n The table did its best to keep him from getting seconds by putting a leg in his way. Once it even grumbled when he pushed it back with too much force. \u201cHey, big<\/em> fella, go easy on the shoving.\u201d Then quipped when he butted it back, \u201cYou know about Morton Salt? When it rains, it pours. So, a little drizzle shouldn\u2019t stop you from taking a walk.\u201d<\/p>\n It was Sunday noon, and Sam was washing the dishes that had accumulated in the dishpan. The water was piping hot, and he scalded his hand. \u201cDamm, why didn\u2019t you speak up. Stupid way of hinting, hitting me with hot water. I\u2019ll walk when I want to! Exercise must be age appropriate. Jeez. And for all I care, these dishes can sit here and soak overnight.\u201d<\/p>\n He shoved the dishpan away. Trapped air bubbles escaped from a two-day old dish of half-eaten cabbage buried under another plate, releasing a raunchy smell. He waved his hand. \u201cDamm, that was crude! Now I need to take a walk or at least get out of the kitchen!\u201d<\/p>\n Muttering that it was hard to get respect nowadays, he went out the side door and, not seeing his car in the driveway, groaned that he might as well move it from the street after his walk rather than tonight. You don\u2019t have any plans other than watching the mystery on PBS. <\/em>He was going to go straight to the car but, recalling how the table had been giving him grief, decided to walk around the block and come up on his car from behind. Get yourself a fedora and a trench coat and you can start a new career. \u201cSam, the Sleuth,\u201d they\u2019ll be calling you.<\/em><\/p>\n The blocks weren\u2019t long and, meeting no one, he didn\u2019t stop. But he was a slow walker, and it took twenty minutes to circle the block. He slammed the car door, slouched, and pulled into the driveway. Trying for a Bogart accent, he grumbled, \u201cWay to go there, Sam, you remembered your car. Got it right the second time. No way does your Honda look like a Chevy.\u201d<\/p>\n He unlocked the side door, looked over his shoulder, and, folding his fingers, muttered, \u201cOne: it was cloudy; two: I wasn\u2019t paying much attention; three: the streetlight was still on and buzzing like a bee; and four: it\u2019s age appropriate and I don\u2019t give a flying.\u201d He slammed the door shut.<\/p>\n He was going to make a cup of hot chocolate but changed his mind after this last adventure. Scotch and water, a righteous glass, two ice cubes, and you can retrieve your mystery from the bathroom. You\u2019ll be able to finish it tonight.<\/em><\/p>\n Five minutes later Sam was sitting in the wingchair, his legs wrapped in an Afghan on the footstool. He took a sip of scotch and then exchanged the tumbler for his reading glasses on the end table. He laughed; in the old days he could never find his glasses. Problem solved and all it took were four pairs of glasses: one here on the end table, one in the den next to the PC, a third on the nightstand. Hmm, I know I\u2019ve fourth somewhere. Yeh, the fourth next to the phone in the kitchen.<\/em> He didn\u2019t count the old pair left in the glove compartment of the car.<\/p>\n Sam put on his glasses and scrunched around, settling into the chair. He opened the book, looked blankly at the page, did his best to recall the plot, and closed it. I remember Mom had the same problem with her glasses. Nothing helped. She had a dozen pairs always moving from one place to another. I told her she should just make sure to leave them in the same place in each room. She didn\u2019t think it was funny when I suggested taping a big red X in each room and making sure to cover her XX\u2019s with her glasses just like she crosses her T\u2019s. <\/em><\/p>\n He exchanged his own glasses for the tumbler and took another healthy sip. Damn, there goes the couch winking at me again.<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cWhat do you expect, Sam? You a dummy or something? There\u2019s no one else in the room!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDummy yourself, buddy. I\u2019m going to take a nap, and I don\u2019t want another word out of you.\u201d He slid his legs off the footstool and stretched. A little nap on Sunday afternoon is just what the doctor ordered.<\/em> He fetched another blanket from the basket in the corner, rearranged the cushions on the couch, and returned for the small throws squashed in the corners of the wingchair.<\/p>\n The couch rolled its eyes, about to say it was too close to bedtime to take a nap, but decided to zip it, muttering, \u201cSuit yourself buddy, but the zipper on the big pillow needs some closing. You know, when you get around to it.\u201d His sarcasm dropped unheard under the cushion where it kept company with two pennies and a nickel that had been there from the last time Sam had company. Which is to say, years ago.<\/p>\n \u201cAh, just a catnap then, whatever that is.\u201d He reminded the couch to keep its mouth squirmed into his favorite sleeping position on his side, one small pillow under his head, the other between his knees.<\/p>\n The couch smiled when Sam closed his eyes. It had promised not to complain but no promise had been made about feeding him dreams. So maybe it\u2019s time to remind Sam about his home run and how his mother pretended to be asleep here when he came in from playing stickball in the driveway between the houses.<\/em><\/p>\n The floor lamp dropped an aside to the coffee table. \u201cYou know, late, late afternoon naps are really a way to go to bed early.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cEndurably, mate. Watch out how Sam wakes in two hours when it\u2019s pitch black in here. He\u2019ll stretch, make a show of how good it was to nap. Look out the front window \u2013 see how dark it is, especially since the streetlights are out again \u2013 and say how grand it is to nap in the afternoon. Bet he stumbles before he can turn you on.\u201d<\/p>\n The lamp didn\u2019t enlighten the coffee table. He\u2019d leave him in the dark. Serve him right for putting on the airs of an English gentleman solely based on the Old English furniture polish that had glistened on its surface decades ago. \u201cIndubitably\u201d was the word he really wanted!<\/p>\n Sam closed his eyes and was soon asleep, his last waking thoughts about how exercise tires you out and was it worth it.<\/p>\n He was a kid again. Up at bat against Lenny G, one of the toughest pitchers on the block. Lenny threw two fast ones, Sam swung and missed both times. Lenny really pumped it on his third windup, but Sam was on to his tricks, Robby had warned him, \u201cWatch out for his changeup.\u201d Sam smiled, held back, and when the ball drifted into range, he tagged it \u2013 high and long. He dropped the broomstick and took off. He needed to run across the street, tag the far curb, and beat the throw back to home plate for a home run. It was a double out if you were hit by the ball while running.<\/p>\n Sam had cleared the alley when he heard a screech. Enough time to put his hands on the oncoming car\u2019s hood and bounce five feet into the air. Damn, he was mad! He got up, continued his run across the street and back to home plate before Lenny even caught the ball from the outfielder.<\/p>\n Lenny was a sport. \u201cYou freaked the driver good. He got out of his car, did a quick walkaround looking for blood, and as soon as Harry shot the ball back at me, he took off. He ain\u2019t driving down this street anytime soon! Just for that, I\u2019ll agree you had a man on first. Two-run homer. Way to go, Sam.\u201d<\/p>\n Sam wiggled, adjusting his shoulder.<\/p>\n Now the couch broke his promise and whispered, \u201cYou know your mom heard that screech and ran in here. She peeked out the bay window and the car was still there, guy outside looking under the car. She almost fainted, white as a ghost. Made it to me in time then out like a light, Freddie will vouch for me. She was sleeping here when you came in, remember?\u201d<\/p>\n Freddie, the floor lamp, flickered. There were advantages in having loose wires.<\/p>\n Sam squirmed and woke with a start. Something about his mother. He swung his feet to the floor, announced to all, \u201cI have to pee.\u201d and took off for the bathroom.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" by Kenneth M. Kapp Sam was doing his best to exercise more. If he went shopping, he\u2019d go in the morning and park the car at the far end of the store\u2019s lot. If he had only a couple of bags of groceries, he\u2019d leave the car on the street instead of pulling into his […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1872,77],"tags":[1873,1123,1738],"class_list":["post-16328","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-egophobia-89-90","category-english","tag-egophobia-89-90","tag-english","tag-kenneth-m-kapp"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6DakB-4fm","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16328","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=16328"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16328\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":16329,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16328\/revisions\/16329"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=16328"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=16328"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=16328"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}