{"id":16493,"date":"2026-09-15T07:34:42","date_gmt":"2026-09-15T05:34:42","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/?p=16493"},"modified":"2026-09-15T10:36:43","modified_gmt":"2026-09-15T08:36:43","slug":"apple-ida","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/?p=16493","title":{"rendered":"Apple Ida"},"content":{"rendered":"

[fragment din Uli\u021ba Mitului<\/em>]<\/strong><\/p>\n

de\u00a0 Lucia Eniu<\/p>\n

S\u0103rut m\u0103nu\u0219i\u021bele! Da, asta este, cum s\u0103 nu? Uli\u021ba Mitului. A\u021bi nimerit bine. Ce num\u0103r? 164? Ei, da, mai e de mers, pu\u021bin mai sus \u0219i spre dreapta. La… doamna Ida, b\u0103nuiesc? Da, cosmeticiana. P\u0103i, dac\u0103 dori\u021bi, sigur c\u0103 da, cu pl\u0103cere. A, nu, ce treab\u0103 s\u0103 am? Da’ cum s\u0103 nu? Sunt liber-profesionist, lucrez de-acas\u0103. T\u00e2mpl\u0103rie. \u0218i un studio foto. Vai, da’ cu pl\u0103cere, oric\u00e2nd dori\u021bi. Da, e mare, Uli\u021ba. Cum adic\u0103 v-ar fi fric\u0103 noaptea pe aici? Da’ ce? Suntem canibali? A\u0219a a\u021bi auzit? B\u0103t\u0103i \u0219i certuri? Da’ unde nu sunt pe planeta asta? P\u0103i oameni suntem. Se mai las\u0103, uneori, nu chiar non-stop, cu c\u00e2te-o har\u021b\u0103, a\u0219a, de-ntre\u021binere, cu \u021bipete, ba mai iese c\u00e2te un drac de copil de d\u0103 c\u00e2te o biciclet\u0103 peste el, \u00eel mai \u00eembr\u00e2nce\u0219te vreunul, se mai iau la palme de la c\u00e2te o minge, mai dau \u0219i ta\u021bii, mai sparg c\u00e2te un geam sau c\u00e2te un cap, tot cu mingea… ba se mai ceart\u0103 ni\u0219te cucoane de la vreun \u00eemprumut de oale sau de altele de prin gospod\u0103rie sau de la vreo b\u00e2rf\u0103… lucruri dintr-astea m\u0103runte, de duzin\u0103. \u00cencolo, pace \u0219i lini\u0219te pe-aici. Da’ nu trebuie s\u0103 v\u0103 fie fric\u0103, Doamne fere\u0219te! Orice-ar fi \u0219i oricum, noi, Mitule\u0219tii, adic\u0103 \u0103\u0219tia de st\u0103m pe Uli\u021b\u0103, suntem oameni civiliza\u021bi, domni\u021b\u0103 drag\u0103.<\/p>\n

\u0218i… cum s\u0103 v\u0103 zic… la salon… o manichiur\u0103… o masc\u0103, ceva… nu c-a\u021bi avea nevoie… da’ dac\u0103 trebuie… trebuie… ce s\u0103… De Ida zice\u021bi? P\u0103i, dac\u0103 a\u0219a scrie \u00een ziar, a\u0219a i-o fi zic\u00e2nd. C\u0103 eu… Ep\u0103l Ida? A, a\u0219a se cite\u0219te, da’ se scrie altfel? P\u0103i, eu, cu germana… E englez\u0103? M\u0103r? Asta-nseamn\u0103? Aaaa! De-aia… C\u0103 auzisem eu ceva de la concubina mea. Diona o cheam\u0103. Nu, de la Rodiona. Da, interesant, da. C\u0103 ea nu frecventeaz\u0103, \u00ee\u0219i cump\u0103r\u0103 creme \u0219i alte cele de la magazin \u0219i se \u00eenfrumuse\u021beaz\u0103 singur\u0103. Da’ \u0219tie de pe-aici, c\u0103 lumea vorbe\u0219te. Cum c\u0103 Ida \u0219i-a deschis un salon de \u00eenfrumuse\u021bare \u0219i \u00eentinerire. C\u0103 face din babe fete mari, m\u0103 ierta\u021bi… cic\u0103 din mere le face pe toate, \u0219ampoane, creme, s\u0103punuri \u0219i alte bazaconii muiere\u0219ti. P\u0103i dac\u0103 are livad\u0103 de meri! C\u00e2t cuprinzi cu ochii, \u00een spate, spre deal. Iduna Juvenic\u0103. Da’ noi \u00eei zicem Ida. P\u0103i ce s\u0103 v\u0103 spun? C\u0103 ar fi multe, da, dac\u0103 dori\u021bi, o lu\u0103m mai \u00eencet. Da, mai avem pu\u021bin. \u0218i, cum ziceam, de Ida. Feti\u0219cana, c\u0103 a\u0219a era pe atunci, acum s\u0103 tot fie cin\u0219pe ani de c\u00e2nd a ap\u0103rut pe Uli\u021b\u0103, e de pe undeva dintr-o comun\u0103. Cum a f\u0103cut, Dumnezeu s-o \u0219tie, c\u0103 n-avea nicio \u0219coal\u0103, a dat de \u0103sta, de nea Juvenic\u0103, ofi\u021berul. P\u0103i colonel cred c-a fost la via\u021ba lui. \u0102sta, cu familie, domni\u021b\u0103, o nevast\u0103 a-nt\u00e2ia, cuminte \u0219i lini\u0219tit\u0103, contabil\u0103, dac\u0103-mi aduc bine aminte. Ei, \u00een sf\u00e2r\u0219it. Doi copii mari, de \u0219coal\u0103, pu\u021bin mai mici dec\u00e2t don\u0219oara Ida. Ce-a f\u0103cut, ce n-a f\u0103cut, cum \u0219i unde l-o fi cunoscut, numai ei \u0219tiu. Da-ntr-o zi, am\u0103r\u00e2tu \u0103sta a adus-o la nevast\u0103-sa, pe post de fat\u0103-n cas\u0103. Nevast\u0103-sa, coan\u0103 cu preten\u021bii, din familie de oameni respectabili, s-o fi bucurat c\u0103 are cine-i face treaba \u00een gospod\u0103rie. \u0218i, dup\u0103 cum zice gura Uli\u021bei, chiar a\u0219a a \u0219i fost la-nceput. Iar nu \u0219tiu c\u00e2nd \u0219i cum s-o fi \u00eent\u00e2mplat. Treaba e c\u0103-ntr-o zi, era spre sear\u0103, pe la vreo opt, nou\u0103, s-au auzit a\u0219a, dintr-o dat\u0103, \u021bipete. \u021aipau coanele lui nea Juvenic\u0103, de ziceai c\u0103-i corul pompierilor, cu acompaniament de siren\u0103. Da’ de-ar fi fost numai \u021bipetele… Coanele se luaser\u0103 de cap \u0219i de haine \u0219i se jumuleau una pe alta, ca ni\u0219te g\u0103ini bete. Se vede treaba c\u0103 focul mocnise cam de multi\u0219or \u0219i-acum d\u0103duse m\u0103laiul \u00een foc. Cum care m\u0103lai? A\u0219a-i vorba, domni\u021b\u0103. P\u0103i cum s\u0103 nu ias\u0103 lumea? C-a\u0219a-i pe-aici pe la noi. \u00cen caz de t\u0103r\u0103boi, ie\u0219im cu mic, cu mare, ca la cutremur. Ce s\u0103 facem? Ne uitam \u0219i noi, curio\u0219i. Se nimerise bine, c\u0103 intrasem \u00een sevraj cu to\u021bii, din lips\u0103 de evenimente de felul \u0103sta. \u0218i, cum v\u0103 ziceam… p\u0103i cum s\u0103 ne b\u0103g\u0103m \u00een gospod\u0103ria \u0219i-n via\u021ba omului? S\u0103 ne dea-n judecat\u0103? Da’ sta\u021bi s\u0103 vede\u021bi, c\u0103 asta-i partea comic\u0103. C\u0103-n toat\u0103 nebunia aia care avea loc \u00een curtea din fa\u021b\u0103 a casei, nea Juvenic\u0103 st\u0103tea bine mersi \u00eentr-un fotoliu pe terasa larg\u0103, cu un pahar de ceva \u00eentr-o m\u00e2n\u0103 \u0219i cu o \u021bigar\u0103 \u00een cealalt\u0103 \u0219i se uita a\u0219a, pierdut, \u00een zare, de ziceai c\u0103-i la o clinic\u0103 de alea, de fericire sau cum se mai numesc, pentru cei stresa\u021bi. Senin, vis\u0103tor, z\u00e2mbea lini\u0219tit, mai sorbea c\u00e2te un strop, mai tr\u0103gea c\u00e2te un fum. Ei, abia a doua zi am aflat de la b\u00e2rfitoarele Uli\u021bei cum c\u0103, dis-de-diminea\u021b\u0103, oprise \u00een fa\u021ba casei lui Juvenic\u0103 un taxi \u00een care se suise \u00een grab\u0103… cine alta dec\u00e2t coana Tina, coloneleasa. Ei, \u0219i de atunci, s\u0103 tot fie, cum ziceam, vreo cin\u0219pe ani, fata-n cas\u0103 a trecut pe post de coan\u0103, cu acte \u00een regul\u0103. Cum, necum, l-a \u00eembrobodit zdrav\u0103n pe nea Juvenic\u0103. Omu a divor\u021bat c\u00e2t ai bate din palme, copiii i-a l\u0103sat lui nevast\u0103-sa, \u00eempreun\u0103 cu ni\u0219te titluri de proprietate, pensia aferent\u0103 \u0219i c\u00e2\u021biva b\u0103nu\u021bi \u00eentr-un cont. Iar Ida s-a f\u0103cut coan\u0103, cum ziceam. P\u0103i cum s\u0103 nu fie? Vreo dou\u0103zeci, pe pu\u021bin. Ea avea pe atunci, la vremea c\u00e2nd cu divor\u021bu, vreo dou\u0103\u0219cinci, nici at\u00e2ta nu cred, a\u0219a c\u0103 acu merge cam spre patruzeci. Nea Juvenic\u0103 s-a ramolit bine, a\u0219a c\u0103-i dai pe pu\u021bin optzeci, da’ n-are mai mult de \u0219aizeci \u0219i-oleac\u0103. L-a stors Idu\u021ba de toat\u0103 seva \u0219i de to\u021bi banii. I-a f\u0103cut omu livad\u0103 de meri, a mai \u00een\u0103l\u021bat un cat, i-a deschis coanei salonu cu pricina \u0219i un laborator unde face produsele, a mai f\u0103cut ni\u0219te \u00eemprumuturi, un avece \u0219i-un infarct mai mititel, da’ \u00eenc\u0103-i bine. Mai iese, din c\u00e2nd \u00een c\u00e2nd, \u00een baston, pe teras\u0103, la parter, abia-l \u021bine, de baston ziceam, vai de via\u021ba lui, a lui nea Juvenic\u0103 zic, c\u0103-i tremur\u0103 m\u00e2inile de zici c\u0103-i ma\u0219ina aia de spart asfaltul. De articulat, ce s\u0103 mai articuleze? Gura i s-a str\u00e2mbat \u00eentr-o parte, de c\u00e2nd cu aveceul. Icne\u0219te \u0219i face semne disperate cu bra\u021bele. Mai cade, \u00eel mai adun\u0103 servitoarea de pe jos, c\u0103 are coana Ida servitoare, gras\u0103, trecut\u0103 de cinzeci. Nu c\u0103 ar mai conta, c\u0103 s\u0103racu nea Juvenic\u0103 abia mai poate s\u0103-\u0219i fac\u0103 nevoile. \u00cencolo, crai, nea Juvenic\u0103. \u00cei joac\u0103 ochii \u00een cap ca m\u0103rgelele. \u0102ia i-au mai r\u0103mas fideli, c\u0103 nici cu urechile… Ce mai vede, numai el \u0219tie, da’ de \u0219uierat tot mai \u0219uier\u0103 c\u00e2nd iese vreo domni\u021b\u0103 din m\u00e2inile Idei. \u0218i ofteaz\u0103, s\u0103racu. Numai el \u0219tie de ce. Ce \u021bi-e \u0219i cu via\u021ba asta! Cum trece! Ei, iaca, am ajuns la salon. Coana Ida? O recuno\u0219ti dintr-o mie. A mai \u00eenfloritoare dintre toate. Ce mai? \u00cei priesc merele. Mai ales de c\u00e2nd \u0219i-a angajat un gr\u0103dinar tinerel, a\u0219a, cam la vreo nou\u0103\u0219pe, dou\u0103zeci de ani. La bun\u0103 vedere, domni\u021b\u0103 drag\u0103!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

[fragment din Uli\u021ba Mitului] de\u00a0 Lucia Eniu S\u0103rut m\u0103nu\u0219i\u021bele! Da, asta este, cum s\u0103 nu? Uli\u021ba Mitului. A\u021bi nimerit bine. Ce num\u0103r? 164? Ei, da, mai e de mers, pu\u021bin mai sus \u0219i spre dreapta. La… doamna Ida, b\u0103nuiesc? Da, cosmeticiana. P\u0103i, dac\u0103 dori\u021bi, sigur c\u0103 da, cu pl\u0103cere. A, nu, ce treab\u0103 s\u0103 am? […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1914,15],"tags":[1915,1894,1115],"class_list":["post-16493","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-egophobia-91","category-proza","tag-egophobia-91","tag-lucia-eniu","tag-proza"],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6DakB-4i1","jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16493","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=16493"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16493\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":16494,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16493\/revisions\/16494"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=16493"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=16493"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=16493"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}