de Patrick C\u0103linescu<\/p>\n
Nu mai era curent \u00een priz\u0103, a\u015fa c\u0103 nu mai avea cum s\u0103 se sinucid\u0103. O verificase chiar ea \u00een persoan\u0103, cu propriile ei zece degete, \u00eens\u0103 \u015fi bruma de curent ce mai venea din priz\u0103 se zv\u00e2ntase parc\u0103 de tot, iar unghiile ei zece nu mai fur\u0103 ciupite, ori\u015fic\u00e2t de pu\u0163in, nici m\u0103car de o boare electric\u0103. Cercetase, s\u0103r\u0103cu\u0163a, totul \u00een am\u0103nunt: \u015fi siguran\u0163ele de la panou, \u015fi amperajul, \u015fi tot ce mai \u015ftia \u015fi ea, \u015fi tot ce mai citise \u00een ultimul timp ca s\u0103 cunoasc\u0103 \u015fi mai bine cum p\u0103trund wa\u0163ii \u015fi vol\u0163ii, \u015fi cum trec ei prin corpul omului, \u015fi apoi al sinuciga\u015fului, \u015fi apoi al mortului. Dar \u00een zadar\u2026 \u00cen panou, curentul intra nestingherit, iar amperajul indica o doz\u0103 c\u00e2t se poate de potrivit\u0103 pentru ce-\u015fi pusese \u00een g\u00e2nd s\u0103 fac\u0103. Doar priza, cu ambii ei ochi negri \u015fi punctiformi, secase parc\u0103 toat\u0103 \u015fi nu mai d\u0103dea niciun strop de moarte \u00een afar\u0103.
\nMi\u0163uca se fr\u0103m\u00e2nta cam prea tare \u015fi, de g\u00e2ndire, \u00ee\u015fi zg\u00e2riase \u00eentreaga frunte \u00eentr-un solfegiu ce \u00eent\u00e2rzia, cu \u00eenc\u0103p\u0103\u0163\u00e2nare, s\u0103 fie funerar. C\u00e2nd \u00eencepu s\u0103 mai sf\u00e2r\u015feasc\u0103 cu g\u00e2ndurile ei despre electricitate, se poticni \u00een coate, \u00een ambele \u00eendoite \u015fi aplecate de unde mor\u0163ii nu-i mai picura niciun strop de curent, \u015fi oft\u0103 f\u0103r\u0103 terminare \u015fi f\u0103r\u0103 s\u0103 mai \u015ftie cum ar putea s\u0103 nu mai fie. R\u0103mase, a\u015fa, prosternat\u0103, \u00een fa\u0163a prizei ei mortuare nici nu mai re\u0163inu c\u00e2t timp; \u015fi c\u00e2nd, \u00een fine, se scul\u0103 din coate, c\u0103-i amor\u0163iser\u0103 de c\u00e2t \u00eengenunchease pe ele, p\u0103rea s\u0103-i fi sclipit \u00een minte sinuciderea perfect\u0103 pentru ea, \u00eens\u0103 foarte repede se resemn\u0103 c\u0103 nu o poate \u00eendeplini nici m\u0103car a\u015fa, des\u0103v\u00e2r\u015fit\u0103.
\nAcum, din \u00eenaltul \u00eentregului ei trup \u00een\u0163epenit, Mi\u0163uca se \u00eentindea cu m\u00e2inile \u015fi cu picioarele \u00een toate direc\u0163iile aerului pe care-l \u00een\u0163epa, a\u015fa, \u00een fiecare parte indistinct\u0103 a sa, c\u0103ci \u00ee\u015fi pusese \u00een cap s\u0103 se dezmor\u0163easc\u0103 un pic \u00eenainte de-a se duce s\u0103 se priveasc\u0103 \u00eenc\u0103 o dat\u0103 \u00een oglind\u0103. Nu \u015ftia ce-i venise nici ei, brusc, s\u0103 se uite \u00een ea, \u015fi poate numai fiindc\u0103 habar n-avea ce-o \u00eendemnase s\u0103 fac\u0103 pe cocheta \u00eentr-o asemenea \u00eemprejurare inestetic\u0103 se \u015fi gr\u0103bi cu dezmor\u0163itul ca s\u0103 mai aib\u0103 timp s\u0103 se cerceteze pe \u00eendelete \u015fi \u00een am\u0103nun\u0163ime.
\nEa era at\u00e2rnat\u0103 de-un perete ce nu avea nicio leg\u0103tur\u0103 cu priza sinucigafer\u0103 \u015fi care, el \u00eensu\u015fi, nu avea, pe toat\u0103 \u00eentinderea lui, nici m\u0103car cea mai simpl\u0103 priz\u0103 din c\u00e2te se pot fabrica. Era un perete curat \u015fi lin ca palma, \u015fi perfect drept \u00een orizontalitatea lui vertical\u0103. Oglinda \u00eei ocupa partea de suprafa\u0163\u0103 cea mai bun\u0103 \u015fi cea mai neted\u0103, exact \u00een mijlocul s\u0103u gol de orice periferie \u00eenvecinat\u0103 \u015fi constr\u00e2ng\u0103toare. Cum at\u00e2rna de el, maiestuos \u015fi f\u0103r\u0103 \u00eentrerupere, oricine \u00een afar\u0103 de Mi\u0163uca \u015fi-ar fi spus, \u00een g\u00e2nd sau cu voce tare, c\u0103 trebuie s\u0103 fi fost dat\u0103 la comand\u0103 de c\u00e2t pe m\u0103sura lui era, \u015fi c\u0103, de asemenea, mult prea \u015fic \u00eei punea \u00een valoare \u00eentreaga construc\u0163ie masonic\u0103, chiar a\u015fa la propriu.
\nTot reu\u015find, \u00eentr-un final, s\u0103 fac\u0103 sit\u0103 aerul din jurul ei, se sim\u0163ea, de c\u00e2t se \u00eenc\u0103lzise \u00een toate \u00eencheieturile, ml\u0103dioas\u0103 ca o balerin\u0103 \u00een actul ei cel mai flexibil \u015fi preg\u0103tit\u0103 deja s\u0103 se duc\u0103 s\u0103 se uite \u00een oglind\u0103 cu at\u00e2ta luare aminte c\u00e2t\u0103 mai putea s\u0103 ia din minte \u015fi s-o \u00eemping\u0103 direct \u00een ochi.
\nMi\u0163uca nu era prea frumoas\u0103 \u015fi nicio tr\u0103s\u0103tur\u0103 a fe\u0163ei nu o mul\u0163umea pe deplin. Deja le\u00a0\u00een\u015firase pe r\u00e2nd la coad\u0103 s\u0103 le scruteze cu mare aten\u0163ie \u015fi s\u0103 se str\u00e2mbe toat\u0103 \u00een oglind\u0103 ca s\u0103 le fac\u0103 \u015fi mai ur\u00e2te dec\u00e2t erau cu adev\u0103rat \u015fi astfel s\u0103 se g\u00e2ndeasc\u0103 iar la priza mortuar\u0103 dinaintea c\u0103reia abia reu\u015fise s\u0103 se ridice.
\nCercet\u00e2ndu-se cu ne\u00eenduplecarea contempla\u0163iilor subiective, se credea boccie \u015fi tras\u0103 la fa\u0163\u0103, iar ea, da, se aplatizase complet dinspre fruntea funerar solfagiat\u0103 \u00eenspre b\u0103rbia pe care \u00eenc\u0103 n-o b\u0103gase \u00een seam\u0103 a\u015fa cum s-ar fi cuvenit. Nasul nu st\u0103tea chiar la mijloc, la distan\u0163e egale de ochi \u015fi de gur\u0103, \u015fi parc\u0103 sem\u0103na a copac dobor\u00e2t de furtun\u0103, printre ale c\u0103rui crengi sau chiar dintre ele, se profilau, complicat, \u015fi n\u0103rile. Tenul era s\u0103r\u0103c\u0103cios \u00een piele alb\u0103 \u015fi catifelat\u0103 \u015fi nici unde mai era a\u015fa nu se mai vedea prea bine de c\u00e2nd se retr\u0103sese din ce \u00een ce mai mult pe g\u00e2t \u015fi, de pe el, din ce \u00een ce mai mult \u00een jos.
\nSe privea ad\u00e2nc \u00een oglinda ce at\u00e2rna, maiestuos \u015fi f\u0103r\u0103 \u00eentrerupere, de perete, \u015fi nimic din aranjarea ei facial\u0103 n-o alunga definitiv din raza mic\u0103 a prizei sinucigafere. Dimpotriv\u0103, \u00eentregul ei aranjament facial o \u00eembia \u015fi mai tare spre mortuara priz\u0103, dac\u0103 nu pentru tot \u015fuvoiul ei de curent, atunci cel pu\u0163in pentru cea mai pu\u0163in electric\u0103 boare neuscat\u0103 \u00eenc\u0103 cu totul pe buzele ei negre \u015fi punctiforme.
\nDar Mi\u0163uca se plictisise repede s\u0103 se cerceteze \u00een oglind\u0103 c\u00e2t putea ea s\u0103 se subiectiveze mai contemplativ. Voia cu orice pre\u0163 s\u0103 se sinucid\u0103 \u015fi s\u0103 \u015fi reu\u015feasc\u0103. Nu avusese norocul s\u0103 se electrocuteze \u015fi curentul s\u0103-i zg\u00e2rie inima \u00een zdren\u0163e; \u015fi nu avusese norocul nici oglinda \u00een care se cercetase at\u00e2t de subiectiv de contemplativ s\u0103-i dea \u015fi alte motive, mai solide, pentru a fi \u015fi mai \u00eentreprinz\u0103toare c\u00e2nd o mai \u00eencerca din nou. De\u015fi nu fusese construit\u0103 pentru frumuse\u0163e, iar fa\u0163a \u00eei func\u0163iona ca o adev\u0103rat\u0103 oglind\u0103 ce doar se reflecta, ca s\u0103 fie v\u0103zut\u0103 \u015fi mai bine, \u00een cealalt\u0103, nu putea crede s\u0103 vrea s\u0103 renun\u0163e \u015fi la c\u00e2t putea ea fi de frumoas\u0103 pentru o ur\u00e2\u0163enie ce, \u00een cazul ei, totu\u015fi nu era absolut\u0103. \u015ei, cum nu prea erau \u015fanse mari s\u0103 se ur\u00e2\u0163easc\u0103 p\u00e2n\u0103 \u00eentr-at\u00e2t, se mul\u0163umea s\u0103 tr\u0103iasc\u0103 fiind doar relativ frumoas\u0103 \u00een ur\u00e2\u0163enia ei relativ\u0103.
\n\u00cen acela\u015fi timp, \u00eens\u0103, trebuia s\u0103 \u00eencerce \u00een continuare s\u0103-\u015fi ia via\u0163a fiindc\u0103 doar a\u015fa mai avea de ce s\u0103 tr\u0103iasc\u0103. Dac\u0103 \u00eenceta s\u0103 mai aib\u0103 \u015fi credin\u0163a c\u0103, p\u00e2n\u0103 la urm\u0103, va reu\u015fi s\u0103 se sinucid\u0103 \u00eentr-un fel sau altul, de ce ar mai continua s\u0103 mai tr\u0103iasc\u0103 \u015fi nu s-ar sinucide pe loc, f\u0103r\u0103 s\u0103 mai a\u015ftepte niciun pic s\u0103 se sinucid\u0103 mai ac\u0103t\u0103rii? O sinucidere, cel pu\u0163in relativ frumoas\u0103, deci nu chiar ori\u015ficum, era singurul lucru pentru care mai voia s\u0103 tr\u0103iasc\u0103 ca s\u0103 se poat\u0103 apoi, oric\u00e2t de t\u00e2rziu, sinucide odat\u0103. Altfel s-ar fi sinucis de mult \u015fi nu ar mai fi c\u0103utat cu at\u00e2ta ardoare s\u0103 se sinucid\u0103, inclusiv cu ajutorul unei prize pe care o \u00eenzestrase cu suprema calitate sinucigafer\u0103.
\nMi\u0163uca le \u00eencercase deja pe toate, \u00eens\u0103 nu reu\u015fise \u00een niciuna \u015fi, de la o vreme, \u00eencepuse s\u0103 se plictiseasc\u0103 din ce \u00een ce mai mult \u015fi din ce \u00een ce mai tare s\u0103 \u00ee\u015fi piard\u0103 r\u0103bdarea de-a mai tr\u0103i, fie \u015fi o clip\u0103 \u00een plus, ca s\u0103 se poat\u0103 sinucide a\u015fa cum s-ar fi cuvenit.
\nPlecase de la oglind\u0103; nu se mai privea \u00een ea: nici m\u0103car n-o mai interesa \u015fi nici n-o mai amuza s\u0103 se tot zg\u00e2iasc\u0103 \u00een ea. Acum i se p\u0103rea artificial\u0103 cum \u00eei reflecta oglinda facial\u0103: at\u00e2t de reflectorizant\u0103, \u00eenc\u00e2t aproape nu mai reu\u015fi deloc s\u0103 se vad\u0103 pe sine din cauza str\u0103lucirii ei prea egoiste. Fa\u0163a i se topise cu totul \u00een jeturile tot mai groase de lumin\u0103 ce mureau absorbite pe toat\u0103 suprafa\u0163a ei reflexiv\u0103. V\u0103z\u00e2nd c\u0103 nu se mai vede \u00een niciun col\u0163 al s\u0103u, Mi\u0163uca d\u0103du cu pumnul \u00een sclipirea sa, f\u0103c\u00e2nd-o \u0163\u0103nd\u0103ri maiestuoase \u015fi f\u0103r\u0103 \u00eentrerupere \u00een c\u0103dere la picioarele sale, ca s\u0103-i ajute astfel toate jeturile de lumin\u0103 urm\u0103toare s\u0103 moar\u0103 at\u00e2t absorbite numai de ea, c\u00e2t \u015fi lovindu-se numai de perete \u015fi ciobindu-se cu toate \u00eentre ele.
\nNeput\u00e2nd s\u0103 mai \u015ftie cum arat\u0103 \u015fi nemai\u015ftiind c\u00e2t de \u00eendrept\u0103\u0163it\u0103 \u00eei era hot\u0103r\u00e2rea de-a mai tr\u0103i numai ca s\u0103 se poat\u0103 sinucide odat\u0103, \u00eencepu s\u0103-i fie team\u0103 c\u0103 nu va mai tr\u0103i nici m\u0103car at\u00e2t. \u00cei era fric\u0103 \u015fi avea deja frisoane la g\u00e2ndul c\u0103 s-ar putea s\u0103 moar\u0103 chiar \u00eenainte de-a reu\u015fi s\u0103 se sinucid\u0103 \u00eentr-un mod c\u00e2t de c\u00e2t ac\u0103t\u0103rii. \u00cenfrigurat\u0103 de asemenea perspectiv\u0103, \u00ee\u015fi str\u00e2nse m\u00e2inile la piept, ca s\u0103 se \u00eencurajeze c\u00e2t de c\u00e2t, \u015fi \u00een jurul taliei, ca s\u0103 se mai \u015fi \u00eenc\u0103lzeasc\u0103 pu\u0163in din spaim\u0103. Ca din senin, parc\u0103 se f\u0103cuse \u015fi frig \u015fi, constat\u00e2nd \u00eempu\u0163inarea gradelor din atmosfera comod\u0103 de p\u00e2n\u0103 adineauri, se duse s\u0103 controleze termostatul ce era instalat pu\u0163in mai \u00een \u00eentinderea peretelui, l\u00e2ng\u0103 priza ei mortuar\u0103.\u00a0Numai a\u015fa, \u00eentr-o doar\u0103, o verific\u0103\u00a0din nou \u00een ochii ei negri \u015fi punctiformi, dac\u0103, din \u00eent\u00e2mplare, totu\u015fi nu mai r\u0103m\u0103sese o c\u00e2t de ultim\u0103 boare electric\u0103 pe buzele ei negre \u015fi punctiforme. Se sprijini din nou \u00een coate \u00een fa\u0163a ei \u015fi, \u00eengenunchind astfel aproape manual, sim\u0163i, \u00een toate cele zece unghii de la toate cele zece degete, un mic pi\u015fcat ce o \u00eenc\u0103lzi, pu\u0163in, p\u00e2n\u0103 \u00een umeri, \u015fi care \u00eei zv\u00e2nt\u0103 din jurul taliei \u015fi cel din urm\u0103 strop de fric\u0103. F\u0103r\u0103 s\u0103 \u015ftie de ce, z\u00e2mbi \u015fi abia dup\u0103 ce z\u00e2mbi \u015fi din ultima buz\u0103 ce-i mai r\u0103m\u0103sese de z\u00e2mbit, pricepu de ce se apucase s\u0103 z\u00e2mbeasc\u0103. Fulger\u0103tor, \u00ee\u015fi d\u0103du seama c\u0103 acum, \u00eentr-adev\u0103r, are pentru ce s\u0103 tr\u0103iasc\u0103 \u015fi c\u0103 nu mai vrea s\u0103 se sinucid\u0103, de c\u00e2nd g\u0103sise, \u00een fine, \u015fi cum s\u0103 se sinucid\u0103 ca la carte. \u00cens\u0103, afl\u00e2nd c\u0103, p\u00e2n\u0103 la urm\u0103, sinuciderea va func\u0163iona \u015fi, astfel, va putea s\u0103 se sinucid\u0103, dintr-o dat\u0103 parc\u0103 nu mai dorea s-o fac\u0103. D\u0103du brusc din cap la g\u00e2ndul c\u0103 ar putea s\u0103 cread\u0103 p\u00e2n\u0103 \u015fi ea c\u0103 nu mai e dispus\u0103 s-o \u00eenf\u0103ptuiasc\u0103 din niscai team\u0103, \u00eenc\u0103 nezv\u00e2ntat\u0103 cu totul din jurul taliei sale. Respinse deci cu hot\u0103r\u00e2re o asemenea idee \u015fi, dezlipindu-\u015fi unghiile din priz\u0103, le arunc\u0103 \u00een aerul din jurul ei ca s\u0103-l zg\u00e2rie, tot, de nervi c\u0103 p\u00e2n\u0103 \u015fi ei i-a putut trece prin cap o asemenea idee n\u0103stru\u015fnic\u0103. Sf\u00e2\u015fiat, a\u015fa, aerul \u00een sf\u00e2r\u015fit capitul\u0103 \u015fi, pe nesim\u0163ite, c\u0103zu gr\u0103mad\u0103 la picioarele ei, peste cioburile de la jeturile de lumin\u0103, c\u00e2te \u00eenc\u0103 nu se evaporaser\u0103 \u00een \u00eentunericul mai accentuat de deasupra podelei. Nemaiput\u00e2nd s\u0103 respire \u015fi nemai\u015ftiind c\u00e2t o s-o mai poat\u0103 duce horc\u0103ind \u015fi \u00eencerc\u00e2nd, \u00een van, cu limba \u00eemprejurul ei, dup\u0103 \u00eenc\u0103 vreo bobi\u0163\u0103 r\u0103t\u0103cit\u0103 de aer, Mi\u0163uca, s\u0103r\u0103cu\u0163a, p\u00e2n\u0103 la urm\u0103 se asfixie \u00eengrozit\u0103 c\u0103 n-a mai apucat s\u0103 se sinucid\u0103, de\u015fi nu mai dorea s-o fac\u0103 de c\u00e2nd g\u0103sise, \u00een fine, \u015fi o sinucidere, cel pu\u0163in relativ frumoas\u0103, ca s-o fac\u0103 de tot odat\u0103.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
de Patrick C\u0103linescu Nu mai era curent \u00een priz\u0103, a\u015fa c\u0103 nu mai avea cum s\u0103 se sinucid\u0103. O verificase chiar ea \u00een persoan\u0103, cu propriile ei zece degete, \u00eens\u0103 \u015fi bruma de curent ce mai venea din priz\u0103 se zv\u00e2ntase parc\u0103 de tot, iar unghiile ei zece nu mai fur\u0103 ciupite, ori\u015fic\u00e2t de pu\u0163in, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[310,15],"tags":[1131,4,1115],"class_list":["post-1755","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-egophobia-24","category-proza","tag-egophobia-24","tag-patrick-calinescu","tag-proza"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6DakB-sj","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1755","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1755"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1755\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2096,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1755\/revisions\/2096"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1755"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1755"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1755"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}