Nu \u015ftiu c\u00e2t a trecut \u015fi nici c\u00e2t ce \u015fi nimeni nu \u00eemi spune s\u0103 \u015ftiu. M\u0103 aflu \u00een fa\u0163a faptului \u00eemplinit: sinuciderea e singurul loc \u00een care pot merge \u015fi singur. A\u015fa i-am spus \u015fi ei, am impresia. Sau i-am spus c\u0103 sinuciderea e singurul loc \u00een care pot ajunge \u015fi singur. M\u0103 \u00eentreb, cu adev\u0103rat, care o fi diferen\u0163a dintre a merge \u015fi a ajunge. Poate c\u0103 numai deosebirea dintre vis \u015fi realitate. Nu \u015ftiu exact, dar eu am mers \u00eentotdeauna c\u0103tre visul meu ceresc, c\u0103ruia m\u0103 \u015fi \u00eentreb ce mi-o fi venit, dintr-o dat\u0103, s\u0103 \u00eei spun astfel, dar nu am ajuns niciodat\u0103 la el, ceea ce nu pot spune \u015fi despre realitatea din jur \u00eemprejurul meu natural, pe care o simt ca \u015fi cum mi-ar fi anchilozat \u00eentreg trupul, de moment ce mi-o fi venit s\u0103 m\u0103 simt astfel, la care am ajuns c\u00e2teodat\u0103 \u015fi f\u0103r\u0103 s\u0103 merg deloc spre ea. Cert e un singur lucru: poate f\u0103r\u0103 s\u0103 vreau sau poate \u00een deplin\u0103 cuno\u015ftin\u0163\u0103 de cauz\u0103, am schimbat ac\u0163iunea \u00een loc \u015fi am transformat fapta pe care ar fi trebuit s\u0103 o \u00eentreprind \u00een spa\u0163iul meu cel mai confortabil. \u00cemi este \u015fi fric\u0103 s\u0103 m\u0103 g\u00e2ndesc c\u0103 sinuciderea, care e singurul loc unde m\u0103 pot afla, aflarea ei fiind pentru mine suma dintre a merge \u015fi a ajunge \u015fi \u00een consecin\u0163\u0103 dintre vis \u015fi realitate, chiar ar putea fi a mea. Nu a\u015f vrea s\u0103 \u00eemi apar\u0163in\u0103 fiindc\u0103 simt c\u0103 mai am multe de tr\u0103it. \u015ei totu\u015fi c\u00e2teva lucruri, unele av\u00e2nd nicio leg\u0103tur\u0103 cu altele, \u00eemi vin \u00een minte. Am s\u0103 le enum\u0103r \u015fi nu pentru c\u0103 \u00een aceast\u0103 ordine m-a\u015f fi g\u00e2ndit la ele, ci fiindc\u0103 am nevoie de o ordine, oricare ar fi ea, care s\u0103 \u00eemi serveasc\u0103 drept reper la num\u0103r\u0103toarea final\u0103, \u00eenaintea sinuciderii probabil, eventual a mea. Unu, cine este ea \u00een toate \u00een\u0163elesurile ei? Doi, de ce s\u0103 m\u0103 sinucid, c\u00e2nd nu am niciun motiv s\u0103 o fac? Trei, c\u00e2nd m-am g\u00e2ndit la sinucidere \u015fi \u00een ce context \u015fi de ce insist s\u0103 o atribui propriei mele mor\u0163i at\u00e2t de \u00eendep\u0103rtat\u0103 de orice posibil\u0103 sinucidere curent\u0103? \u015ease, fiindc\u0103, \u00een afar\u0103 de trei, am s\u0103rit peste dou\u0103 \u00eentreb\u0103ri de sine st\u0103t\u0103toare, de ce nu \u015ftiu nimic din tot ce simt c\u0103 ar trebui s\u0103 \u015ftiu? \u015ei \u015fapte, de ce simt cerul lexical ca pe o realitate at\u00e2t de goal\u0103 pentru mine, ca \u015fi cum nici nu ar face parte din propria mea natur\u0103 \u015fi din anatomia mea personal\u0103 \u015fi din cele mai interne p\u0103r\u0163i constitutive ale ei, de \u00eemi tot vine s\u0103 \u00eei spun, \u00een trepte, cer, cer interior \u015fi \u00een consecin\u0163\u0103 cerul meu interior? De ce a\u015fa? Recapitulez fiindc\u0103 nu \u015ftiu nimic din ce ar trebui s\u0103 \u015ftiu: nu totul pare s\u0103 fie al meu \u015fi ea, de exemplu, nu e a mea, dar sinuciderea sigur e a mea, iar cerul ubicuu din mine \u015fi deasupra mea, chiar dac\u0103 nu mai deosebesc interioritatea vertical\u0103 de exterioritatea orizontal\u0103, cu siguran\u0163\u0103 e tot al meu. S\u0103 \u00eemi fi \u015fi dorit vreodat\u0103 \u015fi tot nu mi-a\u015f fi putut imagina c\u0103 am s\u0103 fiu c\u00e2ndva st\u0103p\u00e2nul a dou\u0103 lucruri practic impermeabile la oricare persoan\u0103 a\u015f fi putut s\u0103 o fiu. Niciodat\u0103 nu m-am g\u00e2ndit s\u0103 intru \u00een posesia sinuciderii mele personale, dar poate nici nu e a mea \u015fi, dac\u0103 totu\u015fi este a mea, poate nici nu e vorba de o sinucidere fizic\u0103, ci doar de una simbolic\u0103. \u00cemi dau seama c\u0103 nu \u015ftiu nimic \u00eenc\u0103 dintre lucrurile pe care mi-ar fi pl\u0103cut s\u0103 le \u015ftiu, dar \u015ftiu deja tot ce nu a\u015f fi vrut vreodat\u0103 s\u0103 cunosc. Nu vreau s\u0103 fiu st\u0103p\u00e2nul propriei mele sinucideri fiindc\u0103 nu doresc s\u0103 intru \u00een posesia mor\u0163ii mele personale ce \u00eemi va despropriet\u0103ri automat at\u00e2t sinuciderea, c\u00e2t \u015fi moartea \u015fi nici nu am vreun g\u00e2nd s\u0103 vreau a fi st\u0103p\u00e2nul unui cer pe care \u00eel simt interior mie, cu toate c\u0103 interiorul fiin\u0163ei mele s-a exteriorizat \u015fi nu \u00eemi mai apar\u0163ine de c\u00e2nd nu mai \u0163in minte nimic din tot ce odat\u0103 voi fi \u00eenv\u0103\u0163at pe de rost c\u0103 sunt \u015fi fac \u015fi cinez. Din contr\u0103, a\u015f vrea, dac\u0103 se poate, \u015fi de ce s\u0103 nu se poat\u0103 \u00een fond, s\u0103 nu mai st\u0103p\u00e2nesc nimic \u015fi toate propriet\u0103\u0163ile impuse asupra mea s\u0103 treac\u0103 \u00een posesia altcuiva. De aceea m\u0103 \u015fi g\u00e2ndesc c\u0103 poate le vrea ea, \u015fi de aceea m\u0103 \u015fi g\u00e2ndesc c\u0103 ea e o persoan\u0103 de sex feminin, o femeie \u015fi \u00een consecin\u0163\u0103 nu un simplu substantiv la genul feminin, ca, de exemplu, personala mea sinucidere, \u015fi de aceea m\u0103 \u015fi g\u00e2ndesc c\u0103 ea nu este propria mea sinucidere, \u015fi \u00eemi \u00eenchipui c\u0103 ar fi at\u00e2t de bine \u00een consecin\u0163\u0103 ca ea s\u0103 fie ea. Spre deosebire de ea, eu nu \u00eemi iubesc propria moarte \u015fi nu \u00eei doresc prezen\u0163a \u00een realitatea mea fiindc\u0103 prefer s\u0103 fiu viu, de\u015fi, de c\u00e2nd sunt \u00een via\u0163\u0103, nu am putut nici merge vreodat\u0103 singur undeva, nici ajunge de unul singur \u00een vreun loc anume. \u015ei, cu toate c\u0103 \u00een via\u0163\u0103 sunt imobil \u015fi c\u0103, la fel, m-am blocat \u00een propria mea realitate, \u015fi c\u0103 nu m\u0103 pot afla niciunde numai fiindc\u0103 a\u015fa \u00eemi doresc, prefer totu\u015fi aceast\u0103 stare de inflexibilitate vie condi\u0163iei de perfect\u0103 mobilitate moart\u0103. M\u0103 g\u00e2ndesc, fiindc\u0103 sper, c\u0103 odat\u0103 \u015fi odat\u0103, dup\u0103 ce voi \u015fti \u015fi c\u00e2t a trecut, \u015fi c\u00e2t ce a trecut, \u015fi tot ce deocamdat\u0103 nu \u015ftiu, c\u0103 m\u0103 voi putea afla oriunde \u00eemi doresc, f\u0103r\u0103 ca propria mea via\u0163\u0103 s\u0103 m\u0103 blocheze \u00een continuare \u015fi f\u0103r\u0103 ca moartea mea suicidabil\u0103 s\u0103 continue s\u0103 m\u0103 ademeneasc\u0103 \u00een locul \u00een care, dac\u0103 a\u015f pofti, deja m-a\u015f putea afla \u015fi singur.<\/p>\n
(va urma)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Nu \u015ftiu c\u00e2t a trecut \u015fi nici c\u00e2t ce \u015fi nimeni nu \u00eemi spune s\u0103 \u015ftiu. M\u0103 aflu \u00een fa\u0163a faptului \u00eemplinit: sinuciderea e singurul loc \u00een care pot merge \u015fi singur. A\u015fa i-am spus \u015fi ei, am impresia. Sau i-am spus c\u0103 sinuciderea e singurul loc \u00een care pot ajunge \u015fi singur. M\u0103 \u00eentreb, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[6,4,5],"class_list":["post-26","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-romanul-online","tag-literatura-virtuala-exclusiv-antuma","tag-patrick-calinescu","tag-roman-online"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6DakB-q","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/26","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=26"}],"version-history":[{"count":7,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/26\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":28,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/26\/revisions\/28"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=26"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=26"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=26"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}