<\/em><\/p>\nAst\u0103zi am \u00eenceput s\u0103 scuip s\u00e2nge.<\/p>\n
Primul g\u00e2nd care mi-a venit a fost c\u0103 sigur am tuberculoz\u0103 \u015fi chiar m-am bucurat. E o boal\u0103 care sun\u0103 bine. \u00ce\u0163i d\u0103 o imagine romantic\u0103 \u015fi \u00een plus nu te cure\u0163i de la ea chiar at\u00e2t de repede, tot mai ai c\u00e2teva luni de tr\u0103it, asta \u00een cazul cel mai na\u015fpa, \u00een care boala e \u00een stare avansat\u0103. Suficient deci c\u00e2t s\u0103 apuc s\u0103 scriu m\u0103car un roman.<\/p>\n
Sau m\u0103car un volum de poezii. Sau m\u0103car un eseu, ceva \u00een pula mea, nu conteaz\u0103 ce. S\u0103 fie g\u0103sit dupa moartea mea \u015fi s\u0103 se spun\u0103: a fost r\u0103pus de tuberculoz\u0103. Funny like shit.
\nPe urm\u0103 m-am bucurat c\u0103 uite, \u00een sf\u00e2r\u015fit mi se \u00eent\u00e2mpl\u0103 \u015fi mie ceva neprogramat, imprevizibil, c\u0103 \u00een sf\u00e2r\u015fit nu mai controlez eu universul \u015fi nu \u00eei dau ordine cu ce c\u0103cat s\u0103 mai arunce \u015fi de data asta \u00een mine. \u015ei m-am mai bucurat c\u00e2nd m-am g\u00e2ndit c\u0103 o s\u0103 mor f\u0103r\u0103 s\u0103 fie nevoie s\u0103 m\u0103 sinucid. \u00cen ultimul timp m-am g\u00e2ndit \u00een fiecare zi la sinucidere, am fost \u015fi la un pas \u00een unele momente, \u015fi acum chestia asta… e foarte tare. Cineva \u00eemi pune \u00een sf\u00e2r\u015fit pistolul la t\u00e2mpl\u0103 \u015fi apas\u0103 pe tr\u0103gaci.
\nDar bucuria mi-a fost scurt\u0103. N-am tuberculoz\u0103. Se pare c\u0103 am pneumonie. \u015ei nu stiu ce leziune pe trahee. Dar de murit oricum sunt \u0219anse s\u0103 mor, a\u015fa c\u0103 tot \u00eemi r\u0103m\u00e2ne un motiv s\u0103 respir u\u015furat. \u015ei totu\u015fi, tuberculoza suna mai bine ca pneumonie. “S-a stins de pneumonie”… \u00cemi bag pula, cred c\u0103 nu mai scriu nimic.<\/p>\n
M\u0103 trezesc noaptea din somn \u015fi scuip s\u00e2nge. De fapt, mai \u00eent\u00e2i vomit s\u00e2nge. M\u0103 trezesc cu gura plin\u0103 de s\u00e2nge \u015fi \u00eencep s\u0103 vomit resturi de m\u00e2ncare amestecate cu cheaguri. Dup\u0103 ce termin de vomitat, \u00eencerc s\u0103 adorm.
\nP\u00e2n\u0103 adorm, scuip buc\u0103\u0163i de s\u00e2nge. Umplu podeaua. Pe urm\u0103 adorm. Diminea\u0163a c\u00e2nd m\u0103 dau jos din pat \u00een picioarele goale alunec pe s\u00e2nge \u00eenchegat. M\u0103 duc la chiuvet\u0103 \u015fi continui s\u0103 scuip. Cl\u0103tesc chiuveta \u015fi scuip din nou. Se \u00eenro\u015fe\u015fte chiuveta. M\u0103 ia ame\u0163eala, dar nu \u00eemi dau seama dac\u0103 este de la s\u00e2ngele pierdut sau de la vederea lui.
\nDau drumu\u2019 la ap\u0103 \u015fi umplu cada. M\u0103 bag \u00een cad\u0103 \u015fi \u00eemi aprind o \u0163igar\u0103. Trag dou\u0103 fumuri dup\u0103 care o arunc \u00een veceu.<\/p>\n
Nu mai fumez.<\/p>\n
Am r\u00e2s mereu de oamenii care se chinuie s\u0103 renun\u0163e la fumat. De ce s\u0103 renun\u0163i dac\u0103 \u00ee\u0163i place? Oricum mori. Eu \u00eens\u0103, acum, de\u015fi nu \u00eemi doresc s\u0103 m\u0103 fac bine, de\u015fi vreau s\u0103 mor c\u00e2t mai cur\u00e2nd, nu mai pot s\u0103 trag din \u0163igar\u0103 cu aceea\u015fi nep\u0103sare. Practic, nu \u00een\u0163eleg de ce. Nu pentru c\u0103 \u00eemi face r\u0103u. Vreau s\u0103 \u00eemi fac\u0103 r\u0103u. \u015ei cu toate astea, fumul \u0103la pe care \u00eel trag \u00eemi r\u0103m\u00e2ne \u00een g\u00e2t, m\u0103 \u00een\u0163eap\u0103, m\u0103 zg\u00e2rie \u015fi nu trece mai departe, de\u015fi pl\u0103m\u00e2nul meu saliveaz\u0103 dup\u0103 el. Pula mea, o fi vreo chestie fizic\u0103.
\nM-am apucat s\u0103 citesc tot ce am g\u0103sit pe net despre pneumonie \u015fi hemoptizie. Am v\u0103zut \u015fi poze. Sunt marf\u0103. Merg b\u0103gate pe o copert\u0103 de album grindcore.
\nDup\u0103 ce am epuizat toate site-urile, chiar \u015fi alea \u00een limbi necunoscute, pe care le-am b\u0103gat \u00een google translate, mi-am cump\u0103rat \u015fi o carte de medicin\u0103 despre boli de pl\u0103m\u00e2ni. E fain\u0103. O s-o las mo\u015ftenire, dar nu \u015ftiu cui.<\/p>\n
N-am spus nim\u0103nui c\u0103 o s\u0103 mor. Mai e timp. O s\u0103 le dau vestea foarte teatral, trebuie s\u0103 regizez chestia asta cumva. Poate scriu \u015fi un scenariu. Nu \u015fi-au dat seama c\u0103 scuip s\u00e2nge. C\u00e2nd m\u0103 apuc\u0103 noaptea scuipatul pe la chefuri, m\u0103 duc la bud\u0103. Dac\u0103 o s\u0103 m\u0103 prind\u0103 cineva, o s\u0103 le spun c\u0103 e s\u00e2nge fals \u015fi c\u0103 m-am deghizat \u00een vampir. O s\u0103 umblu cu din\u0163i fal\u015fi de vampir mereu la mine, ca s\u0103 fiu mai credibil.
\nScuipatul de s\u00e2nge se \u00eemplete\u015fte cu crizele mele de panic\u0103 mai vechi, care s-au \u00eentors. Fire\u015fte c\u0103 s-au \u00eentors, nu a\u015f fi putut s\u0103 mor \u00eemplinit f\u0103r\u0103 ele. Cred c\u0103 \u00een clipa mor\u0163ii, pentru o secund\u0103 m\u0103car, trebuie s\u0103 ai \u00een fa\u0163\u0103 tot ceea ce ai suferit vreodat\u0103. Ca s\u0103 po\u0163i s\u0103 te dezlipe\u015fti mai u\u015for. Sau ca s\u0103 nu ui\u0163i cine e\u015fti.<\/p>\n
Dac\u0103, a\u015fa cum spunea amicul meu obsedat s\u0103 afle dac\u0103 exist\u0103 dumnezeu, \u00ee\u0163i p\u0103strezi sufletul dup\u0103 moarte, trebuie s\u0103 \u0163i-l \u00eensemni undeva foarte la vedere, ca nu cumva s\u0103 \u00eel \u00eencurci cu altul. Pentru c\u0103 ar trebui s\u0103 fie o mic\u0103 grani\u0163\u0103, o mic\u0103 ruptur\u0103, \u00een care s\u0103 v\u0103 desp\u0103r\u0163i\u0163i pentru scurt timp, ca \u015fi cum l-ai depune \u00een t\u0103vi\u0163\u0103 c\u00e2nd treci prin detectorul de metale. S\u0103 \u015ftii s\u0103 nu \u00eel iei pe al altuia. Cine \u015ftie cum arat\u0103 sufletele dezbr\u0103cate de trupuri, poate c\u0103 seam\u0103n\u0103 \u00eentre ele…
\nA\u015fa, marcat cu suferin\u0163\u0103, nu ai nicio \u015fans\u0103 s\u0103-l \u00eencurci. S\u0103 pleci acas\u0103, \u00een celula ta din fundul iadului, cu sufletul altcuiva.<\/p>\n
S\u00e2ngele pe care \u00eel scuip \u00een somn e aproape negru. \u00cemi pare r\u0103u de el, dup\u0103 ce ajunge pe jos, \u00eemi pare r\u0103u c\u0103 mi-a p\u0103r\u0103sit corpul \u015fi este condamnat s\u0103 se sleiasc\u0103, s\u0103 se evapore, s\u0103 nu mai tr\u0103iasc\u0103. O mic\u0103 parte din mine care se duce pentru totdeauna. Oare ce cr\u00e2mpeie de durere erau \u00een mililitrii \u0103\u015ftia de s\u00e2nge? Ce mi-a mai r\u0103mas? \u015ei cum va fi c\u00e2nd voi pierde totul?<\/p>\n
Crizele de panic\u0103 se manifest\u0103 la fel de violent ca \u00een trecut, dar sunt \u015fi mai nea\u015fteptate \u015fi m\u0103 lovesc exact \u00een cele mai nepotrivite momente. Mergeam la mare cu un amic cu ma\u015fina \u015fi am trecut prin fa\u0163a spitalului colentina. El tocmai \u00ee\u015fi aduce aminte c\u0103 i s-au terminat \u0163ig\u0103rile, nu are r\u0103bdare p\u00e2n\u0103 ajungem la benzin\u0103rie \u015fi m\u0103 \u00eentreab\u0103 dac\u0103 nu am chef s\u0103 cobor s\u0103 iau de la chio\u015fcul de l\u00e2ng\u0103 spital un pachet de camel \u015fi o cola la doi litri. Zic c\u0103 da, evident, nu-i bai, m\u0103 dau jos \u015fi fix atunci m\u0103 love\u015fte. Simt dintr-o dat\u0103 c\u0103 m\u0103 scurg, c\u0103 o s\u0103 le\u015fin pentru c\u0103 picioarele nu m\u0103 mai ascult\u0103. \u00cemi duc m\u00e2na la frunte, vreau s\u0103 alung totul, s\u0103 nu m\u0103 vad\u0103 nimeni, vreau s\u0103 intru timp de cinci minute \u00eentr-o \u00eenc\u0103pere ascuns\u0103 \u015fi s\u0103 a\u015ftept s\u0103 \u00eemi treac\u0103. O s\u0103-mi treac\u0103. \u00centotdeauna \u00eemi trece. Dar c\u00e2t timp dureaz\u0103 e oribil. M\u0103 g\u00e2ndesc c\u0103 fix \u00een momentul \u0103sta mi se scurge tot s\u00e2ngele din corp, se adun\u0103 \u00eentr-un bulg\u0103re mare mare, solid, \u015fi c\u0103 voi exploda iar bulg\u0103rele va ie\u015fi afar\u0103. M\u0103 \u0163in de zidul spitalului. \u00cencerc s\u0103 fixez un punct dar nu reu\u015fesc, totul se \u00eenv\u00e2rte cu mine. M\u0103 trag de o suvi\u0163\u0103 de p\u0103r, dar durerea, \u00een loc s\u0103 m\u0103 aduc\u0103 aici, \u00een momentul \u0103sta, pare doar un ecou, ceva foarte \u00eendep\u0103rtat. Nu pot sim\u0163i mare lucru. Doar c\u0103 m\u0103 scurg, c\u0103 \u00eemi p\u0103r\u0103sesc corpul, \u00eemi p\u0103r\u0103sesc via\u0163a, fuck, tocmai acum, chiar aveam chef s\u0103 merg la mare…
\n“Te sim\u0163i bine, mam\u0103?”, m\u0103 \u00eentreab\u0103 o b\u0103bu\u0163\u0103 cu o paporni\u0163\u0103 imens\u0103 \u015fi cu picioare str\u00e2mbe \u00een galo\u015fi. E de la \u0163ar\u0103 \u015fi a venit s\u0103 se trateze \u00een bucure\u015fti.<\/p>\n
“E\u015fti bolnav, mam\u0103?”, insist\u0103.<\/p>\n
\u015ei gata. Asta a fost. Baba m-a smuls din bra\u0163ele dracului, care tocmai mi-o tr\u0103gea \u00een cur. Fericit, iau baba \u00een bra\u0163e \u015fi o pup. Se dep\u0103rteaza f\u0103c\u00e2ndu-\u015fi cruce, convins\u0103 c\u0103 nu sunt bolnav ci doar m\u0103 pref\u0103ceam.
\n\u00cencep s\u0103 \u00eemi simt m\u00e2inile \u015fi picioarele, le pot mi\u015fca, s\u00e2ngele \u015fi-a pornit circula\u0163ia normal\u0103 prin mine, nu mai explodez. Asta a fost tot. Azi cel pu\u0163in, am sc\u0103pat. Fericit, vesel, cump\u0103r camelul, cump\u0103r cola, iau \u015fi dou\u0103 croissante.<\/p>\n
“Ce pula mea \u0163i-a luat at\u00e2ta?”, m\u0103 \u00eentreab\u0103 amicul cu ma\u015fina.
\n\u00cel pup \u015fi pe el \u015fi \u00eei \u00eentind pachetul de \u0163ig\u0103ri.<\/p>\n
Dup\u0103 numai dou\u0103 zile, m-a apucat \u00een mare. Era diminea\u0163\u0103, b\u0103usem p\u00e2n\u0103 \u00een urm\u0103 cu vreo dou\u0103 ore \u015fi acum f\u0103ceam baie \u00een mare, sim\u0163indu-m\u0103 mai bine ca niciodat\u0103. Nu mai scuipasem s\u00e2nge de ieri diminea\u0163\u0103. Poate pentru c\u0103 nici nu dormisem. \u00cenotam \u00een apa rece \u015fi limpede, c\u00e2nd am sim\u0163it din nou. Era ca \u015fi cum un pe\u015fte imens m-a lovit \u00een stomac. O chestie lipicioas\u0103, umed\u0103 \u015fi moale s-a \u00eentins pe mine \u015fi p\u0103rea c\u0103 \u00eemi suge tot ce am \u00een\u0103untru. Am dat s\u0103 m\u0103 ag\u0103\u0163 de ceva din jur, dar am pleosc\u0103it doar apa. Picioarele mi s-au \u00eenmuiat \u015fi am c\u0103zut la fund. Am \u00eenghi\u0163it ap\u0103. Mult\u0103 chiar. Poate c\u0103 a\u015f fi putut s\u0103 m\u0103 \u00eenec dar am sc\u0103pat \u015fi de ast\u0103 dat\u0103. Am reu\u015fit s\u0103 m\u0103 t\u00e2r\u0103sc, cu pl\u0103m\u00e2nii plini de ap\u0103, p\u00e2n\u0103 la mal, unde pur \u015fi simplu am z\u0103cut pe plaj\u0103 vreo or\u0103, cu genunchii tremur\u00e2nd, cu m\u00e2inile vinete. Am vomitat. Un cuplu manelist a trecut pe l\u00e2ng\u0103 mine \u015fi a dat verdictul:<\/p>\n
“‘rea-\u0163i ai dracu’ de satani\u015fti, de la 8 diminea\u0163a sunte\u0163i be\u0163i \u015fi droga\u0163i! Nu v\u0103 mai satur\u0103 dumnezeu de droguri \u015fi b\u0103utur\u0103”.<\/p>\n
Pe urm\u0103 am \u00eenceput iar s\u0103 scuip s\u00e2nge. A fost ca o \u00eentoarcere acas\u0103.<\/p>\n
\u00centre timp m-am mai r\u0103zg\u00e2ndit pu\u0163in. Nu mai sunt at\u00e2t de sigur c\u0103 vreau s\u0103 mor. M\u00e2ine m\u0103 duc s\u0103 \u00eemi fac analizele. Poate m\u0103 fac bine.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Cristina Nemerovschi (Morgothya) (Romania) for the English version, click here Ast\u0103zi am \u00eenceput s\u0103 scuip s\u00e2nge. Primul g\u00e2nd care mi-a venit a fost c\u0103 sigur am tuberculoz\u0103 \u015fi chiar m-am bucurat. E o boal\u0103 care sun\u0103 bine. \u00ce\u0163i d\u0103 o imagine romantic\u0103 \u015fi \u00een plus nu te cure\u0163i de la ea chiar at\u00e2t de repede, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[507,393],"tags":[516,517,32,54],"class_list":["post-3841","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-egophobia-26","category-prozascurta","tag-cristina-nemerovschi","tag-iad-si-sange","tag-morgothya","tag-proza-scurta"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6DakB-ZX","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3841","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3841"}],"version-history":[{"count":17,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3841\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3894,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3841\/revisions\/3894"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3841"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3841"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3841"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}