{"id":538,"date":"2009-06-18T11:38:15","date_gmt":"2009-06-18T09:38:15","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/egophobia.ro\/revista\/?p=538"},"modified":"2009-10-12T14:27:56","modified_gmt":"2009-10-12T12:27:56","slug":"cum-sa-devii-un-scriitor-celebru","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/?p=538","title":{"rendered":"Cum s\u0103 devii un scriitor celebru"},"content":{"rendered":"

(jidovul r\u0103t\u0103citor)<\/font><\/p>\n

de Paul Belce<\/p>\n

Am r\u0103mas surprins v\u0103z\u00e2nd num\u0103rul \u00een cre\u015ftere de c\u0103r\u0163i care te \u00eenva\u0163\u0103 cum s\u0103 reu\u015festi \u00een afaceri \u015fi \u00een via\u0163a sexual\u0103, s\u0103 fii un bun actor, s\u0103 ai o personalitate dominant\u0103 etc. Aceste re\u0163ete, pe care le consider expresia unei promov\u0103ri a eficien\u0163ei comportamentale, \u00eemi apar totodat\u0103 ca simptom al veacului nostru, gr\u0103bit \u015fi avid de experien\u0163e. Iat\u0103 de ce m-am g\u00e2ndit s\u0103 dau c\u00e2teva sfaturi cu titlu gratuit celor care aspir\u0103 la statutul de scriitor. Voi oferi argumente ancorate solid \u00een realitate, extrase evident din biografia mea:<\/p>\n

1. Preg\u0103tirea: Evit\u0103, pe c\u00e2t se poate, capcanele unei vie\u0163i practice (munc\u0103 de 8 ore, responsabilit\u0103\u0163i uria\u015fe, detalii de memorat etc.). Dac\u0103 demersurile tale se vor dovedi fructoase, vei atinge pragul ruperii de constr\u00e2ngerile cotidianului \u015fi te vei putea instala \u00een redutele propriei lumi fantastice.<\/p>\n

2. Inspira\u0163ia: Alege una din nenum\u0103ratele infrac\u0163iuni prev\u0103zute de Codul Penal. Singura condi\u0163ie este ca limitele de pedeaps\u0103 s\u0103 fie mici, \u015fi ar fi preferabil s\u0103 alegi o fapt\u0103 prin asociere, caz \u00een care aproape \u00eentotdeauna nu se \u015ftie clar cine \u015fi ce a f\u0103cut.<\/p>\n

3. Procedura: F\u0103-\u0163i av\u00e2nt \u00een noua activitate infrac\u0163ional\u0103. Ia-\u0163i c\u00e2t mai pu\u0163ine m\u0103suri de precau\u0163ie, astfel \u00eenc\u00e2t arestarea ta s\u0103 fie rapid\u0103 \u015fi spectaculoas\u0103.<\/p>\n

4. Consolidarea: Dac\u0103 ai urmat integral pa\u015fii de mai sus, vei primi o invita\u0163ie surpriz\u0103 la hotelul cu gratii al Arestului Preventiv \u015fi vei fi condus \u00een limuzina Poli\u0163iei.<\/p>\n

Acolo, cu pre\u0163ul a c\u00e2teva mii de euro (onorariul avocatului \u015fi cheltuielile de process) vei beneficia garantat de un loc \u00een celul\u0103, laolalt\u0103 cu oameni interesan\u0163i, fiecare av\u00e2nd o \u00eencadrare juridic\u0103 diferit\u0103 de a ta: crim\u0103 cu premeditare, t\u00e2lh\u0103rie, t\u00e2lh\u0103rie cu lovire etc.<\/p>\n

Ce mai con\u0163ine acest pachet promo\u0163ional?
\n– un regim de alimenta\u0163ie pe care l-ar prescrie orice dietetician: mese frugale la interval de 8 ore;
\n– ini\u0163ierea \u015fi perfec\u0163ionarea \u00een jocuri de societate (cruce, 21, \u015fah, rummy);
\n– \u00eenv\u0103\u0163area de noi tehnici infrac\u0163ionale, punerea la punct a detaliilor unei crime perfecte, \u00eembog\u0103\u0163irea vocabularului cu termeni \u015fi expresii uzuale precum: PUL\u0102, SUGI, PIZD\u0102, CUR, \u015fi altele la fel de savuroase;
\n– dac\u0103 ceaiul nu con\u0163ine suficient\u0103 bromur\u0103, te vei trezi obiectul dorin\u0163ei mai multor de\u0163inuti; \u00een acest caz se impune practicarea unui sport de performan\u0163\u0103 care const\u0103 \u00een: antrenamentul zilnic cu greut\u0103\u0163i confec\u0163ionate din butoaie de 5 litri de ap\u0103; flot\u0103ri; datul cu pumnii p\u00e2n\u0103 c\u00e2nd acumulezi suficiente t\u0103ieturi \u015fi echimoze, laolalt\u0103 cu reputa\u0163ia de b\u0103t\u0103u\u015f tupeist;<\/p>\n

5. Expansiunea: Dup\u0103 ce ai c\u00e2\u015ftigat respectul tovar\u0103\u015filor \u015fi faci dovada experien\u0163ei la \u015fcoala vie\u0163ii, \u00ee\u0163i po\u0163i redacta netulburat memoriile pe patul din celul\u0103. Vei avea suficient timp liber pentru aceasta. Disciplina apelului, a frecatului podelei \u00een fiecare zi, precum \u015fi alte reguli \u0163i se vor infiltra \u00een s\u00e2nge. Ele te vor ajuta s\u0103 renun\u0163i la via\u0163a jalnic\u0103 dinaintea arest\u0103rii \u015fi s\u0103-\u0163i structurezi \u00een mod efficient discursul literar. \u00cen a\u015fteptarea eliber\u0103rii (eveniment care se va produce \u00eentr-un interval apreciabil) vei avea deja resursele \u015fi inventivitatea oric\u0103rui scriitor celebru.<\/p>\n

Deci, dac\u0103 vrei:<\/p>\n

– prieteni adev\u0103ra\u0163i cu care s\u0103 \u00eempar\u0163i ultima f\u0103r\u00e2m\u0103 de m\u00e2ncare \u015fi bunurile tale personale,<\/p>\n

LA PU\u015eC\u0102RIE!<\/p>\n

– s\u0103 auzi ultimele hituri de manele fredonate obsesiv,<\/p>\n

LA PU\u015eC\u0102RIE!<\/p>\n

– s\u0103 zaci cu lunile \u00eentr-o camer\u0103 sub pretextul c\u0103 afar\u0103 e na\u015fpa \u015fi tu e\u015fti o persoan\u0103 sedentar\u0103,<\/p>\n

LA PU\u015eC\u0102RIE!<\/p>\n

– dac\u0103 vrei s\u0103 \u00ee\u0163i fac\u0103 unu\u2019 o PIZD\u0102 \u00een CUR,<\/p>\n

Hopa.<\/p>\n

Acum noi r\u00e2dem, glumim fiindc\u0103 ne vedem sc\u0103pa\u0163i de executarea pedepsei, dar adev\u0103rul este c\u0103 dac\u0103 ajunge unu\u2019 s\u0103-\u0163i fac\u0103 o PIZD\u0102 \u00een CUR, nu mai r\u00e2zi, nu mai glume\u015fti. \u015ei s-a zis cu cariera ta scriitoriceasc\u0103.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

(jidovul r\u0103t\u0103citor) de Paul Belce Am r\u0103mas surprins v\u0103z\u00e2nd num\u0103rul \u00een cre\u015ftere de c\u0103r\u0163i care te \u00eenva\u0163\u0103 cum s\u0103 reu\u015festi \u00een afaceri \u015fi \u00een via\u0163a sexual\u0103, s\u0103 fii un bun actor, s\u0103 ai o personalitate dominant\u0103 etc. Aceste re\u0163ete, pe care le consider expresia unei promov\u0103ri a eficien\u0163ei comportamentale, \u00eemi apar totodat\u0103 ca simptom al […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[55,7,75],"tags":[1120,9,1122,76],"class_list":["post-538","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-articole","category-7","category-jidovul-ratacitor","tag-articole","tag-egophobia-22","tag-jidovul-ratacitor","tag-paul-belce"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6DakB-8G","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/538","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=538"}],"version-history":[{"count":8,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/538\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1899,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/538\/revisions\/1899"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=538"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=538"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=538"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}