de R\u0103zvan T. Coloja<\/p>\n
\nDac\u0103 te g\u00e2nde\u0219ti bine, exist\u0103 mult mai multe beneficii \u00een a fi guru dec\u00e2t \u00een a fi – s\u0103 zicem – un biet preot. P\u00e2n\u0103 \u0219i predicatorul TV are putere mai pu\u021bin\u0103 dec\u00e2t un guru. A\u0219a c\u0103 m-am decis c\u0103 vreau s\u0103 devin guru. S\u0103 \u00eemi fac eu un trib mic de cretini care s\u0103 m\u0103 venereze ca pe un demizeu.
B\u0103i \u0219i ce guru mi\u0219to a\u0219 fi…
Le-a\u0219 da teste de-astea de verificare a credin\u021bei, chestii at\u00e2t de absurde \u00eenc\u00e2t s\u0103 nici nu se g\u00e2ndeasc\u0103 de dou\u0103 ori \u00eenainte s\u0103 le duc\u0103 la \u00eendeplinire.<\/p>\n
\u201dTrage-\u021bi ciorapii pe cap \u0219i sari \u00een lac. Acum \u00eenoat\u0103.\u201d Sau \u201dia de-aci un pumn de cenu\u0219\u0103 \u0219i \u0219terge-te pe cur \u00een timp ce-mi c\u00e2n\u021bi.\u201d Teste astea au scopul de a filtra necredincio\u0219ii, pentru c\u0103 \u00een clipa \u00een care unul prinde curaj \u0219i m\u0103 \u00eentreab\u0103 \u201ddar maestre, ce rost au toate acestea?\u201d s\u0103 pot da ochii peste cap, s\u0103 deschid gura \u0219i s\u0103 scot un sunet de-\u0103la de 554 decibeli, un fel de murmur sinistru prin care s\u0103 anun\u021b c\u0103 urmeaz\u0103 s\u0103 comunic cu divinitatea. \u0218i-a\u0219 vorbi \u00een limbi \u0219i a\u0219 spune pe glas grav \u0219i tremurat o chestie de-aia fad\u0103 de prostit pe cei slabi de \u00eenger.
\u201dP\u00e2n\u0103 \u0219i firul de iarb\u0103 se \u00eendoaie \u00een v\u00e2nt\u201d
Sau \u201dScopul pietrei este s\u0103 a\u0219tepte lini\u0219tit\u0103.\u201d
Ceva ce s\u0103 sune at\u00e2t de poetic \u0219i de deep<\/i> \u00eenc\u00e2t to\u021bi s\u0103 dea din cap aprobator ca \u0219i cum au fi \u00een\u021beles ce am vrut s\u0103 zic. \u0218i atunci, \u0103la bou de a avut tupeu s\u0103-l ia la rost pe maestru, ar t\u0103cea chitic \u0219i ar pleca fruncea \u0219i \u0219i-ar trage un ciorap pe cap.
Absolut normal c\u0103 le-a\u0219 spune c\u0103 materialul e doar o piedic\u0103 \u00een transcenden\u021ba sufeltului spre planeta Omicron-Zeta-X, sau ceva l\u0103b\u0103rie de-asta care i-ar face s\u0103-mi dea mie to\u021bi banii pe care-i mai au \u00een cont. \u0218i mi-a\u0219 lua o vil\u0103 undeva pe o insul\u0103 exotic\u0103, complet\u0103 cu pa\u0219aport \u0219i nume cu rezonan\u021b\u0103 iberic\u0103, gata s\u0103 m\u0103 a\u0219tepte \u00een ziua \u00een care \u0103\u0219tia \u0219i-ar ascu\u021bi furcile pentru c\u0103 \u0219i-au dat seama de anumite chestii.
\u0218i mi-a\u0219 lua un animal. Ceva exotic de genul varanului ori o broasc\u0103 r\u00e2ioas\u0103 de Amazon, \u0219i le-a\u0219 spune c\u0103 e acolo ca s\u0103 ne men\u021bin\u0103 leg\u0103tura cu natura. Sau ceva de genul. C\u0103 a\u0219 ar\u0103ta a\u0219a, impozant, st\u00e2nd pe tronul aurit \u0219i m\u00e2ng\u00e2ind varanul, \u00een timp ce o f\u0103tuc\u0103 de 19 ani mi-ar povesti cum prin vis veneam la ea sub forma unei bile albastre de foc. I-a\u0219 spune c\u0103 bila de foc e suma tuturor p\u0103catelor ei \u0219i a\u0219 trimite-o s\u0103 fac\u0103 peniten\u021b\u0103 s\u0103p\u00e2ndu-mi gr\u0103dina.
Serios c\u0103 mi-ar pl\u0103cea s\u0103 fiu guru. C\u00e2nd e\u0219ti lider religios po\u021bi s\u0103 faci aproape orice c\u0103 ie\u0219i basma curat\u0103. I-a\u0219 \u021bine cumva \u00een \u0219ah pe adep\u021bi fiind imprevizibil. De exemplu, \u00een timpul rug\u0103ciunii de diminea\u021b\u0103, a\u0219 c\u0103dea brusc \u00een genunchi \u0219i a\u0219 da capul pe spate cu ochii bulbuca\u021bi la tava. \u0218i-a\u0219 r\u0103m\u00e2ne a\u0219a. Toat\u0103 lumea ar crede c\u0103 intru \u00een trans\u0103 sau al c\u0103cat de genul \u0103sta la care sar cu mintea credincio\u0219ii. B\u0103i, \u0219i a\u0219 sta a\u0219a vreo dou\u0103 ore, p\u00e2n\u0103 m-ar durea ceafa din cauza pozi\u021biei, apoi a\u0219 reveni la ceea ce f\u0103ceam \u00eenainte \u0219i a\u0219 \u00eencerca s\u0103 par mirat c\u0103 s-a scurs at\u00e2ta timp c\u00e2nd pentru mine totul a fost o clip\u0103. B\u0103i – \u0219i cum m-ar enerva careva c\u0103 e cretinoid \u0219i numai nu vrea el s\u0103-mi transcrie ma\u0219ina ori casa ori primul n\u0103scut pe numele meu, cum a\u0219 da capul peste cap \u0219i a\u0219 bulbuca ochii \u0219i dup\u0103 jum\u0103tate de or\u0103 i-a\u0219 spune ceva mistic de genul \u201dte-am v\u0103zut \u00een viitor, erai \u00een purgatoriu c\u0103 e\u0219ti p\u0103c\u0103tos f\u0103!\u201d. \u0218i pac – ma\u0219in\u0103, cas\u0103, nou-n\u0103scut.
I-a\u0219 \u00eembr\u0103ca pe to\u021bi \u00een ceva absolut ridicol. Tog\u0103 roz \u0219i pantofi de dam\u0103 sau ceva porc\u0103rie de-asta absurd\u0103 pe care ei n-o \u00een\u021beleg. pentru c\u0103 toate cultele au tog\u0103 alb\u0103, noi vom avea roz \u0219i cu buline albastre \u0219i cu \u0219nur peste nas. Unu – s\u0103 vad\u0103 c\u0103 suntem speciali, doi – s\u0103 fie convin\u0219i c\u0103 toate bulinele alea au un rost anume dar s\u0103 fie prea tem\u0103tori s\u0103 \u00eentrebe.
Ah – \u0219i m-a\u0219 enerva din senin. A\u0219 sta eu a\u0219a pe tron \u0219i i-a\u0219privi de sus cum se \u00eenchin\u0103, \u0219i dintr-o dat\u0103 a\u0219 lua varanul de coad\u0103 \u0219i a\u0219 pocni vreo doi de-\u0103\u0219tia care se \u00eenchin\u0103 mai cu stil. Dar nu le-a\u0219 spune de ce, i-a\u0219 l\u0103sa s\u0103 se \u00eentrebe.
\u0218i orgii – neap\u0103rat orgii.
Scopul principal ar fi s\u0103 le fut \u00een a\u0219a hal concep\u021bia despre lume \u00eenc\u00e2t s\u0103 nu poat\u0103 nici s\u0103 respire f\u0103r\u0103 s\u0103 le dau eu voie. De exemplu, i-a\u0219 invita pe to\u021bi la mas\u0103, fructe, legume, chestii naturiste, apoi a\u0219 tr\u00e2nti pe mas\u0103 un delfin copt \u0219i a\u0219 \u00eencepe s\u0103 tai din el. S\u0103 se opreasc\u0103 to\u021bi \u00een pula mea cu ochii mari \u0219i s\u0103 vrea s\u0103 m\u0103 \u00eentrebe \u201dcum de carne\u201d \u0219i \u201dde ce delfin\u201d. Normal c\u0103 le-a\u0219 spune ceva de genul c\u0103 delfinul e defapt divin \u0219i acum transcendentaliz\u0103m noi m\u00e2nc\u00e2nd carne cum c\u0103 e divin totul \u0219i c\u0103 s\u0103 nu mai pun\u0103 \u00eentreb\u0103ri cretine c\u0103 le fut un varan peste bot. \u0218i ar t\u0103cea to\u021bi \u0219i ar m\u00e2nca delfin. Pentru c\u0103-s boi.
Iar zi de zi le-a\u0219 cita dintr-o carte sf\u00e2nt\u0103, care defapt ar fi doar un caiet de desen cu foi albe. Dar a\u0219 recita chestii din el ca \u0219i cum EU V\u0102D acolo ceva ce trebuie \u00eemp\u0103rt\u0103\u0219it neap\u0103rat. Asta ca s\u0103 nu se trezeasc\u0103 \u00eentr-o zi un cretinel c\u0103 \u0219i el poate recita la fel de frumos ca mine \u0219i c\u0103 vrea s\u0103-mi ia locul, iar eu a\u0219 r\u00e2de \u0219i i-a\u0219 da cartea. Nah – cite\u0219te \u00een pula mea.
\u0218i p\u00e2n\u0103 nu uit – le-a\u0219 da nume de-alea absolut stupide. \u201dCoada florii\u201d sau \u201dOchi de \u00eenger\u201d sau \u201dMjenbutul\u201d. Ceva care ar suna exotico-hippie, c\u0103 la astea pun botul \u0103ia cu IQ mic.
Se \u00een\u021belege de la sine c\u0103 ar trebui s\u0103 m\u0103 venereze ca \u0219i cum a\u0219 fi al doilea mesia, \u0219i c\u0103 \u00een drum spre tron ar trebui s\u0103 calc numai peste petale proaspete de trandafir. \u0218i a\u0219 face gesturi de-astea de m\u0103rinimie ieftin\u0103, cum c\u0103 m-a\u0219 opri din mers \u0219i a\u0219 m\u00e2ng\u00e2ia tandru pe cap c\u00e2te o f\u0103tuc\u0103 de-asta de arunc\u0103 flori \u0219i i-a\u0219 spune ceva deep<\/i> de genul \u201dsunt praful de sub t\u0103lpile tale\u201d. Orice i-ar putea face pe restul s\u0103 se g\u00e2ndeasc\u0103 \u201dete b\u0103i ce umil e \u0103sta\u201d. C\u0103 \u0219i Iisus f\u0103cea c\u0103caturi de-astea gratuite \u0219i lui i-a mers.
Mi-a\u0219 schimba numele. M\u0103 va chema Panahuanuahuatumanunatuhk. S\u0103 fie greu de re\u021binut, c\u0103 atunci g\u0103sesc ei o modalitate s\u0103 mi se adreseze. De preferin\u021b\u0103 cu \u201dEl\u201d sau \u201dLumina ta\u201d ori \u201dM\u0103rinimia Ta\u201d. Pentru c\u0103 – se vor g\u00e2ndi ei – mai bine \u00eemi spun \u201dSadhu Mahdi\u201d dec\u00e2t s\u0103 se b\u00e2lb\u00e2ie cu Panahuuanu.. Pana.. Pahunamunanutatu… Pa…
Pe \u0103ia mai fanatici i-a\u0219 l\u0103sa s\u0103-mi spele varanul. Dar a\u0219a, cu ap\u0103 cu margarete \u0219i parfum \u0219i chestii de-astea care te duc cu g\u00e2ndul spre puritate. Ca s\u0103 vad\u0103 ceilal\u021bi exact unde le e locul, pentru c\u0103 dac\u0103 \u0103ia mai dedica\u021bi spal\u0103 ditamai dihania puturoas\u0103 \u0219i se cred privilegia\u021bi, atunci ei – restul – sunt undeva la cap\u0103tul lan\u021bului trofic. Prin asociere, eu, adic\u0103 guru, e undeva la cel\u0103lalt cap\u0103t al aceluia\u0219i spectru.
I-a\u0219 pune s\u0103-mi fac\u0103 statui. S\u0103 lucreze ca boii vreo trei luni s\u0103 m\u0103 sculpteze \u00een marmur\u0103 \u00een m\u0103rime natural\u0103, dup\u0103 care a\u0219 veni cu un ciocan \u0219i a\u0219 fute tot-tot-tot ca s\u0103 le dau lec\u021bia despre cum r\u0103bdarea e totul iar restul e peren.
Serios – oricine poate fi guru. Tot ce trebuie s\u0103-i pui s\u0103 fac\u0103 este s\u0103 se ab\u021bin\u0103 cinci luni de la futut, dup\u0103 care s\u0103 le spui c\u0103 disear\u0103 e noaptea de comuniune cu planeta cutare \u0219i c\u0103 au voie s\u0103 se fut\u0103 \u00eentre ei ca iepurii. D\u0103-le \u0219ansa s\u0103 se bucure \u0219i ei, c\u0103 dac\u0103-i \u021bii \u00een smerenie continu\u0103 te treze\u0219ti c\u0103 se r\u0103scoal\u0103 sau pula mea. Umple-i cu pilde ieftine, las\u0103-i s\u0103 te adoreze ca ni\u0219te oi ce sunt, iar restul vine de la sine. \u0218i poart\u0103-te ca \u0219i cum ai \u0219ti ce zici c\u00e2nd le murmuri c\u0103 \u201dinfinitul cosmic este calea spre astral\u201d. Folose\u0219te cuvinte precum \u201d\u00een\u0103l\u021bare\u201d sau \u201ds\u00e2nge\u201d sau \u201dcopil\u201d, orice e u\u0219or accesibil din spatele cutiei craniene groase. Majoritatea oamenilor pun botul la chestii de-astea dac\u0103 le vorbe\u0219ti despre mistic\u0103 \u0219i stele \u0219i vid \u0219i suflet \u0219i cum vor ajunge ei mai sus dec\u00e2t \u0103ia care nu cred.
\u0218i cum s-a r\u0103s\u0103ri unul mai str\u0103lucit care mi-ar pune \u00eentreb\u0103ri la care nu pot da un r\u0103spuns concret, pac – ochii peste cap, gura deschis\u0103, zumzet de-\u0103la de ma\u0219in\u0103 de sp\u0103lat. \u0218i-i trece, c\u0103 restul vor fi prea preocupa\u021bi s\u0103 afle cu cine am stat la cafea \u00een Rai.
A\u0219 fi un guru grozav…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
de R\u0103zvan T. Coloja Dac\u0103 te g\u00e2nde\u0219ti bine, exist\u0103 mult mai multe beneficii \u00een a fi guru dec\u00e2t \u00een a fi – s\u0103 zicem – un biet preot. P\u00e2n\u0103 \u0219i predicatorul TV are putere mai pu\u021bin\u0103 dec\u00e2t un guru. A\u0219a c\u0103 m-am decis c\u0103 vreau s\u0103 devin guru. S\u0103 \u00eemi fac eu un trib mic […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[55,739],"tags":[1120,1153,713],"class_list":["post-7462","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-articole","category-egophobia-32","tag-articole","tag-egophobia-32","tag-razvan-t-coloja"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6DakB-1Wm","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7462","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=7462"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7462\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":7982,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7462\/revisions\/7982"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=7462"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=7462"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=7462"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}