de Alexandru Ioan Despina<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
De\u015fi avea o c\u0103p\u0103\u0163\u00e2n\u0103 mic\u0103 \u015fi turtit\u0103, a c\u0103rei capacitate cranian\u0103 nu dep\u0103\u015fea o mie de centimetri cubi (ceea ce-l situa \u00eentre primii hominizi ce p\u0103r\u0103siser\u0103 savanele africane \u015fi talibanii ascun\u015fi prin pe\u015fterile din Tora Bora), pe plan profesional lui Iulic\u0103 \u00eei mergea destul de bine. Fie c\u0103 vindea jum\u0103t\u0103\u0163i de blugi prin obor, fie c\u0103 o punea de-o alba-neagra la col\u0163ul str\u0103zii, se g\u0103seau zilnic oameni care s\u0103-i cad\u0103-n plas\u0103. \u00cens\u0103 chiar mai mul\u0163i \u00eei c\u0103deau \u00een plas\u0103 so\u0163iei r\u0103mase singure acas\u0103.
\n\u00cembr\u0103cat\u0103 cu o rochie decoltat\u0103 (chiar vaporoas\u0103, dac\u0103 ar fi s-o privim prin prisma miriadelor de g\u0103uri de \u0163igar\u0103 f\u0103cute prin ea de-a lungul celor patru genera\u0163i \u00een care fusese purtat\u0103 \u015fi frecat\u0103 din str\u0103bunic\u0103-n bunic\u0103 \u015fi din mam\u0103-n fiic\u0103), Mirinda st\u0103tea toat\u0103 ziua bun\u0103 ziua pe scara blocului \u015fi le f\u0103cea ochi dulci vecinilor. Dintre zecile de masculi ce-i d\u0103deau t\u00e2rcoale, preferatul ei era Mitic\u0103, un \u0163ig\u0103nu\u015f \u00eendesat, carismatic \u015fi potent (dar cu-n ochi zbanghiu care-i conferea alura unei jum\u0103t\u0103\u0163i de ciclop pitic \u015fi curios) ce-o cinstea a\u015fa cum se cuvine, cump\u0103r\u00e2ndu-i creme, chilo\u0163i ori sutiene \u015fi ung\u00e2nd-o adesea cu ulei de m\u0103sline. Din acela extra virgin, de dou\u0103zeci de lei pe chil.
\nPe locul doi \u00een inima ei larg\u0103 \u015fi compartimentat\u0103-n zeci de auricule \u015fi ventricule se afla Corcodel, un \u0163igan foarte complex, care, pe l\u00e2ng\u0103 alergia la uleiul de m\u0103sline, mai avea \u015fi o serie de preferin\u0163e sexuale bizare ce-i tr\u0103dau \u00eenclina\u0163iile spre necrofilie: \u00een timpul ac\u0163iunii \u00ee\u015fi imagina c\u0103 Mirinda, cu zece ani mai t\u00e2n\u0103r\u0103 ca el, va ar\u0103ta moart\u0103 la fel cum ar\u0103ta \u00een momentul acela vie. \u015ei asta datorit\u0103 alifiilor, uleiurilor, s\u0103rurilor \u015fi a altor sute de preparate farmaceutice pe care Mirinda le folosea pentru a se \u00eentineri, chit c\u0103 nu \u00eemplinise \u00eenc\u0103 dou\u0103zeci de ani, iar na\u015fterea fiicei n-o slu\u0163ise prea mult, ea fiind slut\u0103 de la-nceput.
\n La cap\u0103tul unei zile mai pu\u0163in faste (nimic cu adev\u0103rat deosebit – ni\u015fte gabori neispr\u0103vi\u0163i se g\u0103siser\u0103 s\u0103-l izgoneasc\u0103 din obor), se-nt\u00e2mpl\u0103 ca Iulic\u0103 s\u0103 soseasc\u0103 pe nea\u015fteptate acas\u0103. Cum deschise u\u015fa \u00ee\u015fi auzi nevasta gem\u00e2nd \u00een dormitor, motiv pentru care nu se mai desc\u0103l\u0163\u0103, cum f\u0103cea de fiecare dat\u0103, ci p\u0103trunse \u00een graba mare:
\n\u2013 Mirindo, de ce \u0163ipi a\u015fa, femeie?
\nApoi, apropiindu-se nedumerit:
\n\u2013 Auzi, da\u2019 tu c\u00e2te picioare ai?
\nDar chiar \u00een secunda urm\u0103toare, \u00een loc de r\u0103spuns, primi o talp\u0103-n fa\u0163\u0103 ce-l proiect\u0103 doi pa\u015fi \u00eenapoi \u015fi-l lipi cu spatele de perete. R\u0103mase o clip\u0103 perplex, iar apoi, c\u00e2nd nici nu se dezmeticise bine din buim\u0103ceal\u0103, v\u0103zu cearceaful cum sare din pat \u015fi se repede peste el. Vru s\u0103 riposteze, \u00eens\u0103 cearceaful \u00eei fripsese deja una la ficat, apoi vreo dou\u0103 dup\u0103 ceaf\u0103, reu\u015find s\u0103-l trimit\u0103 \u00een cele din urm\u0103 pe Iulic\u0103 \u00een lumea viselor.
\nC\u00e2nd se trezi, nevast\u0103-sa, complet \u00eembr\u0103cat\u0103, st\u0103tea \u00eentr-o r\u00e2n\u0103 \u00een pat:
\n\u2013 Ce-ai f\u0103cut, b\u0103rbate, te-ai \u00eempiedicat?
\nIulic\u0103 se ridic\u0103 n\u0103uc, se frec\u0103 la ochi, apoi se uit\u0103 atent prin camer\u0103. Nu numai c\u0103 nu v\u0103zu niciun cearceaf, dar \u00een prag se afla un taburete ce trecuse, p\u00e2n\u0103 atunci, neobservat. Vru s\u0103 se repead\u0103 \u00een Mirinda, \u00eens\u0103 chiar \u00een clipa aceea u\u015fa de la intrare se deschise \u015fi o voce \u00eel strig\u0103 din prag:
\n\u2013 B\u0103i, Iulic\u0103, hai c\u0103 \u015ftiu c\u0103 e\u015fti, c\u0103 te-am v\u0103zut c\u00e2nd ai intrat! Ia vino, b\u0103i, \u00eencoa s\u0103-\u0163i zic de-o afacere.
\n\u2013 Stai a\u015fa, Mitic\u0103 \u2013 spuse cel\u0103lalt ie\u015find pe hol \u015fi \u00eenchiz\u00e2nd u\u015fa-n urma lui -, c\u0103 am impresia c\u0103 nevast\u0103-mea m\u0103-n\u015feal\u0103.
\n\u2013 Cum adic\u0103?
\n\u2013 P\u0103i c\u00e2nd am venit acas\u0103 am prins-o cu unu-n pat. N-am apucat s\u0103-l v\u0103d la fa\u0163\u0103, c\u0103 a t\u0103b\u0103r\u00e2t pe mine \u015fi m-a b\u0103tut p\u00e2n\u0103 am le\u015finat.
\n\u2013 C\u00e2nd? Ast\u0103zi?
\n\u2013 Da, ast\u0103zi, c\u00e2nd am venit acas\u0103.
\n\u2013 Ast\u0103zi!? P\u0103i c\u00e2nd s\u0103 te bat\u0103 \u015fi s\u0103 le\u015fini, b\u0103i, Iulic\u0103, c\u0103 de abia ce-ai intrat pe u\u015f\u0103? se ar\u0103t\u0103 mirat Mitic\u0103. Du-te \u015fi \u00eentreab\u0103-l \u015fi pe Corcodel, dac\u0103 nu m\u0103 crezi, c\u0103-i pe scar\u0103. Nu \u0163i-aminte\u015fti c\u0103 te-a salutat? Sau pe copiii \u0103ia ce bat mingea de perete, c\u0103 \u015fi ei te-au v\u0103zut.
\nMirinda, intrigat\u0103 de discu\u0163ia celor doi, ie\u015fi \u015fi ea din dormitor:
\n\u2013 Ce tot \u015fopti\u0163i acilea-\u015fa?
\n\u2013 I-auzi ce zice Mirindo, b\u0103rbat\u0103-tu! C\u0103 l-ai \u00een\u015felat!
\n\u2013 M\u0103i nesim\u0163itule, url\u0103 Mirinda sup\u0103rat\u0103, cum \u00ee\u0163i permi\u0163i? (\u015fi jap o palm\u0103 lui Iulic\u0103 peste fa\u0163\u0103) \u00ce\u0163i fac de m\u00e2ncare \u00een fiecare zi, \u00ee\u0163i sp\u0103l boarfele, \u015fi tu m\u0103 acuzi c\u0103 te-n\u015fel? (\u015fi \u00eenc-o palm\u0103 peste fa\u0163\u0103) C\u0103 acuma \u00eemi iau hainele \u015fi m\u0103 duc la mama!
\nDar \u00een loc de haine lu\u0103 o sticl\u0103 de suc din frigider \u015fi ie\u015fi afar\u0103.
\n\u2013 M\u0103i Mitic\u0103, \u00eei zise Iulic\u0103, aproape venindu-i s\u0103 pl\u00e2ng\u0103 de oftic\u0103, \u00ee\u0163i jur, m\u0103, c\u0103 era cu unu-n pat.
\n\u2013 P\u0103i dac\u0103-i a\u015fa \u2013 spuse cel\u0103lalt -, hai s\u0103-l c\u0103ut\u0103m, c\u0103 n-avea unde s\u0103 se duc\u0103. Pe geam nu putea c\u0103 stai la patru, iar pe u\u015f\u0103 n-avea cum, c\u0103 pe u\u015f\u0103 am intrat eu.
\n\u015ei se apucar\u0103 am\u00e2ndoi s\u0103 scotoceasc\u0103 prin dulap, pe sub pat, prin debaraua de la baie \u015fi chiar pe dup\u0103 dormeza din sufragerie. \u00cens\u0103 nici urm\u0103 de amant.
\n\u2013 \u015etii ce m\u0103 g\u00e2ndesc eu c\u0103 s-a \u00eent\u00e2mplat? zise Mitic\u0103 adopt\u00e2nd o pozi\u0163ie c\u00e2t mai comod\u0103. Eu cred c\u0103 tu te-ai \u00eempiedicat de taburetul \u0103sta \u015fi te-ai lovit la cap. C\u0103 Mirinda e fat\u0103 bun\u0103, nu mai g\u0103se\u015fti tu una a\u015fa ca ea c\u00e2te zile oi avea. Mai bine du-te ia-i o floare, un ulei de m\u0103sline, ceva, \u015fi \u00eemp\u0103ca\u0163i-v\u0103. Doar nu vrei s\u0103 plece la m\u0103-sa \u015fi s\u0103 te lase singur?
\n\u2013 A\u015fa crezi c\u0103 ar trebui s\u0103 fac? \u00eel \u00eentreb\u0103 Iulic\u0103 contrariat.
\n\u2013 P\u0103i, cum altfel?
\nDe\u015fi nu pe de-a-ntregul convins c\u0103 solu\u0163ia aleas\u0103 este \u015fi cea mai potrivit\u0103, Iulic\u0103 se decise s\u0103-\u015fi asculte prietenul. Dar, ca m\u0103sur\u0103 de precau\u0163ie, \u00ee\u015fi urm\u0103rea tot timpul so\u0163ia, iar uneori mai \u015fi venea pe nepus\u0103 mas\u0103 acas\u0103, \u00eens\u0103 \u00een s\u0103pt\u0103m\u00e2nile urm\u0103toare nu observ\u0103 nimic care s\u0103-i dea de b\u0103nuit. Iar firea lui ne\u00eencrez\u0103toare, \u00een loc s-o nemul\u0163umeasc\u0103 ori s-o \u00eendep\u0103rteze pe Mirinda, mai mult o atr\u0103gea. A\u015fa c\u0103 dup\u0103 vreo dou\u0103 luni rela\u0163iile dintre Iulic\u0103 \u015fi nevast\u0103-sa se \u00eembun\u0103t\u0103\u0163ir\u0103 \u00eentr-at\u00e2t de mult \u00eenc\u00e2t cel dint\u00e2i \u00eencepuse s\u0103-\u015fi duc\u0103 tot mai des la \u00eendeplinire \u00eendatoririle conjugale pe care \u015fi le cam ignorase de c\u00e2nd se n\u0103scuse Bibica. Asta p\u00e2n\u0103 c\u00e2nd s-a dovedit c\u0103 burta aceea mare pe care Miranda \u015fi-o plimba m\u00e2ndr\u0103 pe la soare nu i se trage nici de aceast\u0103 dat\u0103 de la balonare. Descump\u0103nit, Iulic\u0103 vru s\u0103-\u015fi ia lumea-n cap, \u00eens\u0103 Mitic\u0103, prietenul lui adev\u0103rat, \u00eel convinse s\u0103 r\u0103m\u00e2n\u0103:
\n\u2013 Las\u0103, b\u0103, c\u0103 te descurci tu, ce naiba! Te mai ajut \u015fi eu, c\u0103 doar la asta-s buni prietenii. \u021ai-am ar\u0103tat afacerea cu alba-neagra, acuma \u0163i-o ar\u0103t \u015fi p\u2019aia cu mobilu\u2019. Ia s\u0103 vezi ce repede sare banu\u2019.
\n– Nu mi-e de bani, m\u0103i omule, mi-e c\u0103 nu-i al meu. C\u0103 am stat \u015fi am calculat \u015fi n-are cum s\u0103 fie. Pe atunci nu ne culcam \u00eempreun\u0103, f\u0103ceam doar alte treburi, iar din treburile alea nu se nasc copii.
\n\u2013 Da\u2019 ce treburi f\u0103cea\u0163i, b\u0103i, frate? \u00eentreb\u0103 curios Mitic\u0103, iar dup\u0103 ce primi r\u0103spuns continu\u0103: p\u0103i, b\u0103, eu am auzit c\u0103 \u015fi din astea ies copii. N-ai auzit de Cornelia aia mic\u0103 a lu\u2019 Lic\u0103? Cic\u0103 tot a\u015fa au f\u0103cut-o \u015fi pe ea.
\n\u2013 Hai, m\u0103, c\u0103 n-are cum! se ar\u0103t\u0103 ne\u00eencrez\u0103tor Iulic\u0103.
\n\u2013 S\u0103 \u00eennebunesc dac\u0103 te mint! f\u0103cu Mitic\u0103.
\nCelui dint\u00e2i tot nu-i venea s\u0103 cread\u0103, a\u015fa c\u0103 se porni s\u0103 \u00eentrebe \u015fi al\u0163i amici. Discut\u0103 cu Serafim, vorbi cu Istronom \u015fi p\u00e2n\u0103 la urm\u0103 se convinse c\u0103 lumea asta se schimbase radical \u00een ultimii ani. Mai precis de c\u00e2nd murise Odiosu\u2019. Adic\u0103 de pe c\u00e2nd \u00eencepuse s\u0103 se umple ora\u015ful cu zl\u0103tari, rudari, ursari, spoitori, vr\u0103jitori, c\u0103m\u0103tari, zavragii \u015fi samsari.
\n\u2013 Sper totu\u015fi s\u0103 nu mai ias\u0103 tot a\u015fa, \u0163igan ca Bibica, c\u0103 iar intru la b\u0103nuieli! conchise binedispus Iulic\u0103.
\n\u2013 Ia stai, b\u0103, nepoate – \u00eel \u00eentrerupse Corcodel ce r\u00e2sese p\u00e2n\u0103 atunci de el -, da\u2019 ce-oi vrea s\u0103 ias\u0103? Pai dac\u0103 umbli cu \u0163iganii, m\u0103n\u00e2nci cu \u0163iganii, faci afaceri colo-\u015fa \u00een obor cu \u0163iganii, tu ce-ai vrea s\u0103 ias\u0103 acum? Un rom\u00e2n? Ia auzi\u0163i, b\u0103, fra\u0163ilor, ce zice \u0103sta!
\nIar ceilal\u0163i \u00eencepur\u0103 s\u0103 r\u00e2d\u0103 cu hohote.
\n\u2013 \u015ei apropo, continu\u0103 Corcodel, nu mai ne zice \u0163igani c\u0103 te bag\u0103 \u0103\u015ftia la bul\u0103u c\u0103 discriminezi. Noi suntem de neam rromi, iar la poporul nostru i se zice rroma. De la ora\u015ful \u0103la din Italia, unde am avut noi capitala la imperiu. Sigur ai auzit de el, de daci \u015fi rromani, de Traian \u015fi Decebal.
\n\u2013 Ia vino-ncoace, Iulic\u0103, s\u0103-\u0163i zic ceva! \u00eel trase Mitic\u0103 de m\u00e2nec\u0103, apoi \u00eei spuse: s\u0103-\u0163i tr\u0103iasc\u0103 neamul \u0103sta alb al t\u0103u, fr\u0103\u0163ioare, am \u015fi o rug\u0103minte la tine. Dac\u0103-i b\u0103iat \u0103sta al t\u0103u, po\u0163i s\u0103-i zici Mitic\u0103? A\u015fa, ca pe mine. C\u0103 mereu te ajut, m\u00e2nca-\u0163i-a\u015f tu pe-a mea \u015fi am grij\u0103 de tine. M\u0103 bag na\u015f, dac\u0103 vrei, numai f\u0103 a\u015fa cum \u00ee\u0163i spune fratele t\u0103u. Ia zi, fr\u0103\u0163ioare, faci?
\nAcum ce era \u015fi Iulic\u0103 s\u0103 zic\u0103? Dup\u0103 ce se g\u00e2ndi c\u00e2teva clipe, \u00eentorc\u00e2nd situa\u0163ia pe toate fe\u0163ele, accept\u0103 satisf\u0103cut.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
de Alexandru Ioan Despina De\u015fi avea o c\u0103p\u0103\u0163\u00e2n\u0103 mic\u0103 \u015fi turtit\u0103, a c\u0103rei capacitate cranian\u0103 nu dep\u0103\u015fea o mie de centimetri cubi (ceea ce-l situa \u00eentre primii hominizi ce p\u0103r\u0103siser\u0103 savanele africane \u015fi talibanii ascun\u015fi prin pe\u015fterile din Tora Bora), pe plan profesional lui Iulic\u0103 \u00eei mergea destul de bine. Fie c\u0103 vindea jum\u0103t\u0103\u0163i […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[739,15],"tags":[786,1153,1115],"class_list":["post-7548","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-egophobia-32","category-proza","tag-alexandru-ioan-despina","tag-egophobia-32","tag-proza"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6DakB-1XK","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7548","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=7548"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7548\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":7549,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7548\/revisions\/7549"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=7548"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=7548"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=7548"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}