{"id":7905,"date":"2011-11-29T12:27:29","date_gmt":"2011-11-29T10:27:29","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/egophobia.ro\/?p=7905"},"modified":"2011-12-25T18:17:41","modified_gmt":"2011-12-25T16:17:41","slug":"balada-unei-teze-mici","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/?p=7905","title":{"rendered":"Balada unei TEZE mici"},"content":{"rendered":"

(sau parodia unei zile)<\/strong><\/p>\n

de Teodora Gheorghe<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\nEra una din acele zile c\u00e2nd nici ceasul nu mai sun\u0103, nici soarele nu mai r\u0103sare, \u015fi nici m\u0103car apa nu se mai obose\u015fte s\u0103 coboare din robinet, pentru c\u0103 e s\u0103lcie \u015fi sufer\u0103. \u015ei eu eram unul dintre acei oameni pentru care timpul \u00ee\u015fi luase un concediu prelungit, l\u0103s\u00e2nd toat\u0103 treaba pe m\u00e2na unui suplinitor ratat: apatia. P\u0103m\u00e2ntul se \u00eenv\u00e2rtea \u015fi eu cu el, ca o bil\u0103 la rulet\u0103. Urechile \u00eemi \u0163iuiau ca un tren iar creierul avea mici tres\u0103riri de con\u015ftiin\u0163\u0103, aproape concretizate \u00een g\u00e2nduri. M\u0103 m\u00e2nca \u00een palma dreapt\u0103 – o pi\u015fc\u0103tur\u0103 de \u0163\u00e2n\u0163ar anofel (ieri murisem de malarie, dar stadiul \u0103sta de iner\u0163ie m\u0103 plictisise, jur\u00e2ndu-mi c\u0103 alt\u0103 dat\u0103 n-am s\u0103 mai fac t\u00e2mpenia asta). \u00cemi plimb ochii pe tavan vertical, orizontal \u015fi paralelipipedic, doar-doar oi g\u0103si o arip\u0103 de molie roz sau o membran\u0103 de liliac sau de ce nu chiar un ochi de p\u0103un. Dar ioc. Nimic. Un tavan alb ca o anemie. Punct \u015fi de la cap\u0103t. Care cap\u0103t? \u0102la de jos sau cel de sus? Tigri decolora\u0163i, maimu\u0163e \u00eembr\u0103cate cu sacou, fazani cu cap de cal, un claun f\u0103r\u0103 trompet\u0103… \u015fase c\u0103 vine vecinul, v-a\u0163i-ascunselea cu c\u00e2teva brio\u015fe, sare \u015fi piper. Adormeam din nou, \u00eemi c\u0103deau pleoapele greeeele, ca o crem\u0103 \u00eencins\u0103 pe un aluat nedospit. Dar o chemare dintr-un univers \u00eendep\u0103rtat \u015fi necunoscut, o adiere poruncitoare, \u00eemi lipe\u015fte ditamai scatoalca \u015fi m\u0103 trezesc.\u00a0
\n <\/p>\n

\nCe naiba trebuia s\u0103 fac? ma \u00eentreb, r\u0103scolind \u00een buzunarele g\u0103urite ale min\u0163ii. Urmeaz\u0103 un timp nedeterminat de ars gazul prin ungherele con\u015ftientului si subcon\u015ftientului. Deodat\u0103, EVRICA! \u00cemi amintesc. Era luni \u015fi aveam \u015fcoal\u0103. \u015ei tez\u0103 la fizic\u0103.
\n <\/p>\n

\nOFtez \u015fi simt cum OFtica m\u0103 r\u0103scole\u015fte \u00een toat\u0103 fiin\u0163a. \u015ei ce lung e drumul p\u00e2n\u0103 la baie, \u015fi ce \u00eempov\u0103rat de peripe\u0163ii, aproape c\u0103-l \u015fi z\u0103resc. Da, undeva e robinetul cu ap\u0103 ghea\u0163\u0103 (apa cald\u0103 e \u00een grev\u0103) \u015fi tubul de past\u0103 de din\u0163i rulat p\u00e2n\u0103 la g\u00e2t, c\u0103zut pe l\u00e2ng\u0103 peria de cur\u0103\u0163at toaleta. 1,2,3\u2026100,101. Gata, m\u0103 scol, ce mai tura-vura. 150, 151,… M\u0103 scol. Pe sp\u0103tarul taburetului zac hainele mele, mai sictirite ca niciodat\u0103. Deodat\u0103 se r\u0103stoarn\u0103, ale naibii haine! (\u00ee\u015fi aduseser\u0103 minte c\u0103 taburetul n-are sp\u0103tar). \u00cembrac un pulover blegit c\u0103ruia \u00eei aud suspinele de b\u0103tr\u00e2nel obosit, \u015fi o pereche de pantaloni care se \u00eenc\u0103p\u0103\u0163\u00e2neaz\u0103 s\u0103 intre (sau s\u0103 ias\u0103, nu-mi dau seama). L\u0103sasem televizorul deschis – de regul\u0103 uitam doar apa cald\u0103 sau u\u015fa de la intrare deschise – \u015fi un tip cu o gur\u0103 ca un cioc bont si musta\u0163\u0103 \u00een frunte borborosea ni\u015fte \u015ftiri. P\u0103trund \u00een umezeala b\u0103ii \u015fi-l las pe r\u0103\u0163oi s\u0103 vorbeasca. Jetul de ap\u0103 \u0163\u00e2r\u00e2ie, se unduie\u015fte ca s\u0103 nu-mi dea voie s\u0103-l ating (n.a. e s\u0103lciu \u015fi sufer\u0103), tu\u015fe\u015fte convulsiv, \u00eentrerupt din c\u00e2nd \u00een c\u00e2nd de c\u00e2te-un \u201cTVA-u\u2019 cre\u015fte\u201d, \u201comor\u00e2t de amantul gelos\u201d, \u201cporci \u00eempu\u0163i\u0163i\u201d, \u201dciteaz\u0103 premierul\u201d, \u201dBecali… vile… Becali… Coelho\u201d. \u201cB\u0103sescu\u201d (4 sau 5 \u00eentreruperi\/ jet). \u00cen fine, am senza\u0163ia stranie c\u0103 inima \u00eemi bate. N-o mai \u00eentorsesem demult cu cheia \u015fi m\u0103 s\u00e2c\u00e2iau b\u0103t\u0103ile ei insistente ca \u015fi cum cine \u015ftie ce motiv a\u015f fi avut s\u0103 tr\u0103iesc. \u00cemi storc reziduurile de lacrimi r\u0103mase de la ultima depresie de adolescent\u0103 ne\u00een\u0163eleas\u0103. \u00cenchid \u00een sf\u00e2r\u015fit televizorul care \u00eemi mul\u0163umeste \u00een genunchi pentru f\u0103r\u00e2ma de amabilitate. \u00cemi fluier ghiozdanul care se ascunsese asear\u0103 pe nu \u015ftiu unde; vine p\u00e2n\u0103 la urm\u0103, cu coada-ntre picioare \u015fi cu manualul de latin\u0103 \u00eencerc\u00e2nd cu disperare s\u0103 deschid\u0103 fermoarul \u00een partea de sus. Ies pe u\u015fa deja deschis\u0103 \u015fi alunec lin pe scari p\u00e2n\u0103 AFAR\u0102. Ca de obicei, plou\u0103 cu sulf \u015fi \u015fprei de g\u00e2ndaci.
\n <\/p>\n

\nDin mine se prelinge pe asfalt o sil\u0103 imens\u0103, p\u00e2n\u0103 spre scurgerea de canal unde oricum nu mai are loc, din cauza depozitului prea mare de sil\u0103 scurs\u0103 din al\u0163i trec\u0103tori. Ajung \u00een STA\u0162IE \u015fi m\u0103 \u00eempiedic de-o bab\u0103. L\u00e2ng\u0103 mine un rock\u0103r \u015fi o c\u0103lug\u0103ri\u0163\u0103. Am\u00e2ndoi \u00eembr\u0103ca\u0163i \u00een alb. Dau s\u0103 m\u0103 uit la ceas, dar se tope\u015fte. Nimic interesant. Nimic extravagant sau penibil. Ploaia de sulf se mai domole\u015fte. \u00cencepe s\u0103 picure cu bancnote de 100.000. Apuc \u015fi eu una pentru c\u0103 \u00eemi curge nasul. O limuzin\u0103 calc\u0103 doi b\u0103tr\u00e2ni \u015fi o pereche de \u00eendr\u0103gosti\u0163i. Cei din urm\u0103 se scoal\u0103 \u015fi merg mai departe, fredon\u00e2nd \u201cYesterday\u201d de Beatles. Simt cum m\u0103 apuc\u0103 din nou un vertijjj \u015fi toate sunt o ap\u0103 \u015fi-un p\u0103m\u00e2nt, blocurile, indivizii, rock\u0103rul, c\u0103lug\u0103ri\u0163a, autobuzele, cerul, c\u00e2ini din panourile cu \u0162iriac Leasing. Sunt o excrescen\u0163\u0103 a propriei mele lehamite. \u015ei ce e mai r\u0103u e ca Ei m\u0103 oblig\u0103 s\u0103 dau TEZ\u0102.
\n <\/p>\n

\nCe \u00eenseamn\u0103 o tez\u0103 \u00een plus sau \u00een minus, doar nu e ca un picior sau o m\u00e2n\u0103 mai pu\u0163in? \u00cen fond, c\u00e2\u0163i nu s-au \u00eenecat accidental cu ciuperci otr\u0103vite, cu monoxid de carbon \u015fi alte groz\u0103venii, cine mai poate garanta pentru o or\u0103 de fizic\u0103? \u00cen autobuz sunt atat de compresat\u0103, \u00eenc\u00e2t atunci c\u00e2nd ajung din nou AFAR\u0102 nu m\u0103 deosebesc cu mult de un afi\u015f \u015fi cu greu \u00eemi reg\u0103sesc forma ini\u0163ial\u0103; e nevoie s\u0103-mi scutur capul ca ideile pliate s\u0103 se umfle la loc.
\n <\/p>\n

\n\u00cen sala de curs acelea\u015fi fe\u0163e inexpresive, \u00eencununate de un tremurici febril, acelea\u015fi crampe intelectuale si min\u0163i aerate. U\u015eA de la clas\u0103 se deschide \u00een slow-motion, l\u0103s\u00e2nd loc unei fapturi vectoriale, cu u\u015foare inflexiuni scalare, care odat\u0103 ajuns\u0103 la catedr\u0103 arunc\u0103 \u00een noi cu mici cornete de h\u00e2rtie, con\u0163in\u00e2nd subiectele pentru tez\u0103. \u00cel deschid pe al meu \u015fi descop\u0103r un scris minuscul.\u00a0De fapt de-a dreptul minuscule\u0163.
\n <\/p>\n

\n-Nu \u00een\u0163eleg NIMIC, doamn\u0103 profesoar\u0103. Cum vre\u0163i s\u0103 rezolv ceva din aiurelile astea?
\n-Pentru \u00eentreb\u0103ri m\u0103 cauta\u0163i dup\u0103 ore, veni raspunsul ma\u015final al odioasei f\u0103pturi.\u00a0
\n <\/p>\n

\nUna dintre fe\u0163ele cufundate \u00een foaia de tez\u0103 iese la suprafa\u0163\u0103:
\n– La subiectul 2 nu se poate face c\u0103 e gre\u015fit\u0103 cerin\u0163a. Nu-mi pute\u0163i da alt subiect?
\n– Cine e mai de\u015ftept, Tudorache, Einstein sau o frunz\u0103 de ficus \u00een echilibru?
\n-P\u0103i… Einstein.
\n-Atunci?
\n <\/p>\n

\nFa\u0163a se scufund\u0103 resemnat\u0103 \u00een foaie. Eu TOT nu \u00een\u0163eleg ce trebuie s\u0103 fac. Am g\u00e2ndurile puse pe bigudiuri. Cifrele minuscule se plictisesc \u015fi p\u0103r\u0103sesc, r\u00e2nd pe r\u00e2nd, coala. O pereche de ochelari:
\n <\/p>\n

\n-Dac\u0103 am terminat, putem s\u0103 d\u0103m lucrarea?
\n-Bravo, Fizicescule, d\u0103-mi teza s\u0103-\u0163i pun 10 cu plus. S\u0103-i spui lui taic\u0103-tu s\u0103-mi aduc\u0103 o rochie cu buline.
\n <\/p>\n

\nDup\u0103 cum ziceam, era una din acele zile. Ajung\u00e2nd ACAS\u0102, ceasul cu pendul\u0103 \u00ee\u015fi r\u00e2de de mine: iar ai f\u0103cut-o de oaie, feti\u0163o! Da\u2019 ce-ai fi vrut, s-o fac de c\u0103mil\u0103? \u00eei \u00eentorc vorba cu nervii \u00eentin\u015fi la maxim, f\u0103c\u00e2nd pe de\u015fteapta. \u00cemi \u00eenchei ziua cu o nemaipomenit\u0103 simetrie: tr\u00e2ntit\u0103 \u00een pat. Din sufragerie r\u0103zbat vorbele batjocoritoare ale ceasului cu pendul\u0103: pune m\u00e2na \u015fi dormi, mai e \u015fi m\u00e2ine o zi!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

(sau parodia unei zile) de Teodora Gheorghe   Era una din acele zile c\u00e2nd nici ceasul nu mai sun\u0103, nici soarele nu mai r\u0103sare, \u015fi nici m\u0103car apa nu se mai obose\u015fte s\u0103 coboare din robinet, pentru c\u0103 e s\u0103lcie \u015fi sufer\u0103. \u015ei eu eram unul dintre acei oameni pentru care timpul \u00ee\u015fi luase un […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[794,15],"tags":[1155,1115,811],"class_list":["post-7905","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-egophobia-33","category-proza","tag-egophobia-33","tag-proza","tag-teodora-gheorghe"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6DakB-23v","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7905","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=7905"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7905\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":8033,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7905\/revisions\/8033"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=7905"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=7905"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=7905"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}