Isabelle Constantin
\n\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Motto: “S\u0103-i aminti\u0163i, v\u0103 rog frumos, adresa mea c\u00e2nd v\u0103-nt\u00e2lni\u0163i cu… dricul.”<\/i>\n<\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/i><\/p>\n
\nUn dric \u015fi o Dacie, parcate una l\u00e2ng\u0103 alta la por\u0163ile posesorilor lor, stau la o canistr\u0103 de benzin\u0103 de vorb\u0103, ca tot omul, cu amintiri din tinere\u0163ea lor. Azi nimeni nu moare \u015fi nimeni nu pleac\u0103 de acas\u0103.<\/p>\n
– B\u0103, dricule! deschide Dacia conversa\u0163ia. Ia zi-mi tu, b\u0103, c\u0103 tu e\u015fti mai versat, mai umblat, ai num\u0103r str\u0103in, pe unde ai umblat la via\u0163a ta?<\/p>\n
– Heheee, da’ pe unde n-am umblat… Am fost \u00een at\u00e2tea locuri \u015fi at\u00e2\u0163ia m-au tras de volan, da’, pe cinstea mea! Nic\u0103ieri nu mi-a pl\u0103cut ca aici, \u00een Rom\u00e2nia. Chiar am sim\u0163it c\u0103 aici mi-am \u00eemplinit cu adev\u0103rat menirea de dric.<\/p>\n
– Da’ ce, mor\u0163ii nu sunt peste tot la fel? Sunt… mor\u0163i!<\/p>\n
– Mor\u0163ii or fi, da’ \u0103ia vii din jurul lor, nu.<\/p>\n
– \u015ei totu\u015fi… drumurile de-aici… eu am fost p\u00e2n\u0103 la bulgari doar, da’ parc\u0103 tot acolo mi-a pl\u0103cut mai mult \u015fi, vorba aia, m-am n\u0103scut \u00een fabric\u0103-n Rom\u00e2nia! Sunt m\u00e2ndria na\u0163ional\u0103 \u015fi nici m\u0103car mie nu-mi mai place aici…<\/p>\n
Dricul se uit\u0103 ur\u00e2t cu farurile la Dacie \u015fi-i zice:<\/p>\n
– D-aia, b\u0103, c\u0103 e\u015fti d-aici, nu \u015ftii s\u0103 apreciezi ce-i aici, c\u0103 doar ce-i aici cuno\u015fti.<\/p>\n
Dacia se simte proast\u0103 \u015fi cere explica\u0163ii:<\/p>\n
– Zi-mi, atunci, ce-\u0163i place \u0163ie a\u015fa mult la rom\u00e2ni, de zici c\u0103-s a\u015fa interesan\u0163i ei.<\/p>\n
– \u00cemi place a\u015fa mult aici c\u0103 am ajuns s\u0103 reneg c\u0103 am existat p\u00e2n\u0103 m-a cump\u0103rat rom\u00e2nul \u0103sta prin rela\u0163iile lui dubioase \u015fi gata s\u0103 fac\u0103 bani – c\u00e2nd l-am sim\u0163it cum \u00eemi privea caroseria, am reu\u015fit s\u0103-l \u00eencadrez \u00eentr-o clipit\u0103 \u00een tipologia avarului. \u015ei ce alt mod u\u015for de a face bani mul\u0163i dec\u00e2t a-i lua de la cei deja mor\u0163i. Doar n-o s\u0103 la\u015fi mortu’ s\u0103 se \u00eemput\u0103 \u00een cas\u0103 (bine\u00een\u0163eles, dac\u0103 e\u015fti vreun necrofil, mirosul s-ar putea s\u0103 fie, de fapt, unul afrodisiac, presupun), e nevoie de o ma\u015fin\u0103 care s\u0103-l transporte p\u00e2n\u0103 la cimitir.<\/p>\n
– Brrr! Mereu m\u0103 cuprind fiori pe accelera\u0163ie c\u00e2nd trec pe l\u00e2ng\u0103 cimitir! Ur\u00e2t loc, chiar \u00eemi pare r\u0103u pentru tine c\u0103 trebuie s\u0103 intri at\u00e2t de des \u00een el! \u00eel comp\u0103time\u015fte Dacia pe dric.<\/p>\n
– C\u0103 veni vorba de cimitire, eu sincer nu le \u00een\u0163eleg, at\u00e2ta organizare pentru un mort, z\u0103u, e mort, ce rost mai are, chestii cre\u015ftine, Dumnezeu \u015ftie, z\u0103u, chiar el, adic\u0103 nu \u015ftiu cine e Dumnezeu, da’ l-am auzit \u00een \u00eenjur\u0103turi la rom\u00e2ni deseori c\u0103 are treab\u0103 cu mamele. Tu \u015ftii cine e Dumnezeu?<\/p>\n
– Pfff, cum s\u0103-\u0163i zic eu \u0163ie… Dumnezeu au to\u0163i oamenii, \u015ftii, nu numai rom\u00e2nii, adic\u0103 ei cred c\u0103 Dumnezeu e fabrica din care au ie\u015fit.<\/p>\n
– A, da, are sens, cred, nu \u015ftiu, or veni \u015fi ei de undeva, da’ nu l-au v\u0103zut pe Dumnezeu, eu fabrica mi-am v\u0103zut-o.<\/p>\n
– C\u0103 veni vorba de \u00eenjur\u0103turi, care-i faza, frate, cu \u00eenjuratul de mor\u0163i? Adic\u0103, s\u0103racii, sunt mor\u0163i, de ce s\u0103 te mai deranjeze c\u0103 se ia cineva de ei?<\/p>\n
– Nu \u015ftiu, chiar m\u0103 g\u00e2ndesc c\u00e2nd car pe c\u00e2te unul, c\u00e2t va fi, s\u0103racul, \u00eenjurat dup\u0103 moartea sa. Mai mult ca-n timpul vie\u0163ii. Revenind la fascina\u0163ia mea pentru Rom\u00e2nia. Prima dat\u0103 am fost total dezam\u0103git, \u00eentr-adev\u0103r, de drumuri. Adic\u0103, s\u0103-mi fie cu iertare, da’ au \u0103\u015ftia ni\u015fte gropi de mi-e \u015fi fric\u0103 s\u0103 merg (c\u00e2nd cad \u00een groap\u0103 m\u0103 g\u00e2ndesc la expresia rom\u00e2neasc\u0103 “e\u015fti prost de dai \u00een gropi” \u015fi m\u0103 g\u00e2ndesc c\u0103 poate-s prost). Am ajuns \u015fi aici, \u00eentr-un or\u0103\u015fel mic, prin v\u0103i, uitat de lume…<\/p>\n
– Bine c\u0103 ai venit dup\u0103 ce au asfaltat, dac\u0103 m\u0103 vedeai cum eram \u00eenainte de asfaltare, din alb\u0103, neagr\u0103 tuci mereu!<\/p>\n
– Dar, vezi tu, rom\u00e2nii sunt cei care m-au f\u0103cut s\u0103 ignor greut\u0103\u0163ile pe care le am din punct de vedere al traficului \u015fi al condi\u0163iilor de transportare. \u015etii bine, c\u00e2nd am venit \u00een vecin\u0103tate, to\u0163i oamenii veneau s\u0103 m\u0103 vad\u0103 \u015fi m\u0103 m\u00e2ng\u00e2iau, ai v\u0103zut ce fascina\u0163i erau!<\/p>\n
– \u015ei eu, o Dacie am\u0103r\u00e2t\u0103 \u015fi b\u0103tr\u00e2n\u0103, c\u00e2t te mai invidiam…<\/p>\n
– Am \u00eenv\u0103\u0163at repede toate obiceiurile pe care le au rom\u00e2nii la o \u00eenmorm\u00e2ntare, ce de colive am v\u0103zut, de ce cruci, ce de prosoape, ce de bani arunca\u0163i, ce s\u0103 mai, dificil \u015fi cu ritualurile astea. \u015ei nu-\u0163i mai zic c\u00e2te femei au le\u015finat \u00een spatele meu, pl\u00e2ng\u00e2nd dup\u0103 r\u0103posatul. Am c\u0103rat \u015fi mirese la mine-n spate – da, da, mirese! Fete de-au murit tinere \u015fi nem\u0103ritate, a\u015fa se face, la \u00eenmorm\u00e2ntare le \u00eembrac\u0103 \u00een mireas\u0103…<\/p>\n
– Eee, am c\u0103rat \u015fi eu o mireas\u0103 la via\u0163a mea, mi-au ag\u0103\u0163at baloane pe capot\u0103 la nunta lor posesorii mei, eram cea mai super accesorizat\u0103 Dacie a vremurilor acelea… Acum sunt Daciile astea rebele cump\u0103rate de tinerei de au fl\u0103c\u0103ri \u015fi dr\u0103cii pe ele!<\/p>\n
Dricul ia o gur\u0103 de benzin\u0103 \u015fi \u00ee\u015fi continu\u0103 medita\u0163ia:<\/p>\n
– Cred c\u0103 orice dric ar trebui s\u0103 fie condus o perioad\u0103 prin Rom\u00e2nia, e antrenamentul perfect. Rom\u00e2nii pot fi at\u00e2t de morbizi, \u00eenc\u00e2t e aproape amuzant. \u00cen primul r\u00e2nd, ei se \u00eenjur\u0103 de mor\u0163i, cum vorbeam noi mai devreme. N-am mai auzit nicio na\u0163ie s\u0103 fac\u0103 a\u015fa ceva. E evident c\u0103 au o \u00eenclina\u0163ie spre macabru. Moartea sau drumul spre ea, mai bine zis, sunt a doua lor natur\u0103, pentru ei a muri e mai important dec\u00e2t a tr\u0103i. Apoi, sunt vicio\u015fi, pe cinstea mea! Toate viciile le-am v\u0103zut. Posesorul meu fumeaz\u0103 ca un drac \u00een mine, c\u00e2t car un mort deja a fumat pachetu-ntreg. Ca s\u0103 nu mai zic c\u00e2te sticle de alcool \u00eemi tot bag\u0103-n portbagaj! M-a \u015fi condus \u00een timp ce era beat, c\u00e2nd sufla \u00een volanul meu, mi-era fric\u0103 s\u0103 nu m\u0103-mb\u0103t \u015fi eu… \u015ei nu se las\u0103, \u015ftie c\u0103 \u0103ia din spate mor mul\u0163i de vicio\u015fi, da’ nu se las\u0103.<\/p>\n
– Pe un scaun de-al meu, posesorul meu a v\u0103rsat o sticl\u0103 de vin odat\u0103 – pot s\u0103 jur c\u0103 l-am sim\u0163it cum m-a g\u00e2dilat cu limba c\u00e2nd a sorbit din lacul de vin!<\/p>\n
– Ca s\u0103 nu-\u0163i mai zic… c\u0103 mi-e \u015fi ru\u015fine…<\/p>\n
– Hai, zi, acuma! Ia o gur\u0103 de benzin\u0103 \u015fi spune-mi! insist\u0103 Dacia.<\/p>\n
Dricul respect\u0103 ordinul partenerei de conversa\u0163iei \u015fi \u00eencepe povestea:<\/p>\n
– Odat\u0103… Posesorul meu, tot a\u015fa, beat. Striga el ceva de genu’: “Iar\u0103 beau, iar\u0103 petrec”. Eh. S-a combinat cu o tipan\u0103, cam ur\u00e2t\u0103 \u00ee\u0163i spun drept. \u015ei…<\/p>\n
– \u015eiiiiiii?<\/p>\n
– Sunt onest precum kilometrajul meu c\u00e2nd \u00ee\u0163i spun c\u0103 a f\u0103cut sex cu ea la mine-n spate. Haaai, c\u0103 mai \u00een\u0163eleg, mai faci sex printr-o alt\u0103 ma\u015fin\u0103, da’ \u00een dric?! Unde st\u0103 mortul, tu s\u0103 vrei s\u0103 faci amor?<\/p>\n
– Poate-i murea \u015fi lui…<\/p>\n
– Ce vorbe-s astea! Taci din gur\u0103!<\/p>\n
Dacia chicote\u015fte.<\/p>\n
– Nu-mi venea a crede. \u00cemi venea s\u0103 claxonez, numai s\u0103 nu mai aud nimic. At\u00e2t de vulgar! \u015ei m-a condus \u015fi p\u00e2n\u0103 la aia acas\u0103 s-o duc\u0103, dup\u0103 ce \u015fi-a f\u0103cut pl\u0103cerea!<\/p>\n
– Da, chiar morbid…<\/p>\n
– \u015ei pentru c\u0103 sunt o ma\u015fin\u0103 cu scop funerar, \u00eemi place tot ce e morbid. \u00cen concluzie, rom\u00e2nii \u00eemi plac pentru c\u0103 sunt morbizi \u015fi pentru c\u0103 \u00eemi alimenteaz\u0103 nevoia de a sim\u0163i mirosul mor\u0163ii, al disper\u0103rii \u015fi al lipsei speran\u0163ei.<\/p>\n
Ma\u015finile tac. Dacia \u00ee\u015fi aminte\u015fte:<\/p>\n
– A\u015f vrea s\u0103 fiu aprovizionat\u0103 cu vin c\u00e2ndva. Sunt curioas\u0103 cum e.<\/p>\n
– Da, am v\u0103zut c\u0103 e la mod\u0103 la \u00eenmorm\u00e2nt\u0103ri, dac\u0103 fac rost, \u00ee\u0163i dau \u015fi \u0163ie.<\/p>\n
Fiecare mai ia c\u00e2teva guri de benzin\u0103, dar ploaia \u00eei \u00eentrerupe din b\u0103uta lor nebuneasc\u0103 \u015fi \u00eei trimite \u00een garaj la culcare.<\/p>\n
– \u015etii ce ar fi amuzant? \u00eencheie Dacia conversa\u0163ia.<\/p>\n
– Ce?<\/p>\n
– S-asculte posesorul t\u0103u \u00een timp ce te conduce “Drumurile noastre poate se vor \u00eent\u00e2lni vreodat\u0103”.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Isabelle Constantin \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Motto: “S\u0103-i aminti\u0163i, v\u0103 rog frumos, adresa mea c\u00e2nd v\u0103-nt\u00e2lni\u0163i cu… dricul.” \u00a0 Un dric \u015fi o Dacie, parcate una l\u00e2ng\u0103 alta la por\u0163ile posesorilor lor, stau la o canistr\u0103 de benzin\u0103 de vorb\u0103, ca tot omul, cu amintiri din tinere\u0163ea lor. Azi nimeni nu moare \u015fi nimeni nu pleac\u0103 de acas\u0103. […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[986,15],"tags":[1164,966,1115],"class_list":["post-9984","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-egophobia-38","category-proza","tag-egophobia-38","tag-isabelle-constantin","tag-proza"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6DakB-2B2","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9984","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=9984"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9984\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":9985,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9984\/revisions\/9985"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=9984"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=9984"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/egophobia.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=9984"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}