by Patrick Călinescu
Friend: … all I’m saying is…
Bill Bao: … “all” you’re saying?!
Friend: Yes!
Bill Bao: So in your opinion, which is “all” you’re really saying, I’m not entitled to feeling as American as you’re entitled to feeling just because, unlike you, none of my ancestors—let alone myself—hail from Europe?!
Friend: … well…
Bill Bao: So in your opinion, which is “all” you’re bloody saying, I can’t possibly be as American as you obviously can possibly be just because I’m of Asian descent?
Friend: … well…
Bill Bao: So in your opinion, which is “all” you’re really saying, one’s authentic Americanness depends solely on one’s continent of origin?
Friend: … well…
Bill Bao: And one’s continent of origin is one’s dosage of Americanness?
Friend: … well…
Bill Bao: And who determines which continent gives one the purest dosage of Americanness—and which doesn’t?
Friend: … tradition?…
Bill Bao: Tradition?!
Friend: … yes?…
Bill Bao: So in your opinion, which is “all” you’re bloody saying, the continent of Europe is the purest continent to give one Americanness, though, traditionally, Europe has never been part of America, while the continent of Asia is not the purest continent to give one Americanness, though, also traditionally, Asia has also never been part of America…
Friend: … well, tradition…
Bill Bao: But does it even make sense?
Friend: … historically, yes…
Bill Bao: But it’s not fair!
Friend: … well…
Bill Bao: I mean, you’re only a two-generation American. You were born in America, but your parents weren’t!
Friend: … true, yes…
Bill Bao: Thank you!
Friend: … de nada?…
Bill Bao: Sure! Why not? Your Castilian roots are still strong in you, which is good!
Friend: … thank you?
Bill Bao: De nada!
Friend: … while you…
Bill Bao: Yes! While you’re only a two-generation American, I’m a four-generation American! I was born in America, my parents were born in America, even my grand-parents were born in America! My great grand-parents were born in China, but they were much younger than your parents were when they came to America. So I’m twice as American as you are! My kin has been American for twice as long as yours has!
Friend: … true, still…
Bill Bao: Still what, my friend?
Friend: … tradition…
Bill Bao: What about it, my friend?
Friend: … nothing, just…
Bill Bao: Just what, buddy, huh?
Friend: … well, maybe…
Bill Bao: Maybe nothing!
Friend: … okay…
Bill Bao: Maybe nothing, buddy! Maybe nothing!… I’m just sick and tired of all this tradition thing! Actually…
Friend: … yes?…
Bill Bao: … actually, if ever I were to become the President…
Friend: … yes?…
Bill Bao: … my administration will begin to govern by signing certain realities out of law…
Friend: … yes?…
Bill Bao: … such as—of course—…
Friend: … yes?…
Bill Bao: … the reality which certifies the existence of everything racial…
Friend: … yes?…
Bill Bao: … and…
Friend: … yes?…
Bill Bao: … the reality which certifies the existence of everything related to the prejudice that arbitrarily separates the American society, upon which the American nation is uniquely based, between artificially instituted communities dubbed “majority”—on the one hand—, and “minorities”—on the other hand…
Friend: … yes?…
Bill Bao: As President of the United States of America, as a four-generation American—as a true blue Yank—, I shall immediately sign these realities out of law…
Friend: … yes?…
Bill Bao: … because I wholeheartedly want the United States of America to become, at long last, the genuinely exceptional nation which it has always believed it is…
Friend: … yes?…
Bill Bao: A nation which, though inherently diverse, shall be so humanly, not racially…
Friend: … yes?…
Bill Bao: A nation with no orbiting “minorities”…
Friend: … yes?…
Bill Bao: … and…
Friend: … yes?…
Bill Bao: … a nation with no orbited “majority”…
Friend: … yes? …
Bill Bao: A nation monolithically American…
Friend: … yes?…
Bill Bao: … but…
Friend: … yes?…
Bill Bao: … a nation…
Friend: … yes?…
Bill Bao: … which the United States of America will never become…
Friend: … because you…
Bill Bao: Yes! Because you have actually thought that I would be capable of signing into law something which, though in principle fundamentally good, is very likely to go against everything this nation, which I therefore cannot improve, stands for: the freedom, reigning supreme, to be even bad…
Friend: … oh…
Bill Bao: Indeed!