by Mariia Shmeleva
It’s a strange and beautiful thing, to have friends.
To stay over, read, be silent together.
Sometimes, you have sex.
Sometimes, you just fall asleep, holding each other, because it’s warmer that way.
Sometimes, it’s just dinner.
And still it’s miraculous.
Let me tell you about a friend of mine.
His name is funny, but I won’t say it.
He’s Russian, from Moscow.
We met at an art exhibition.
Art is powerful.
Art writes the best scripts.
That same day, I invited him to a “reverse housewarming.”
I was moving out. We invited a bunch of people no one knew each other, and yet we were like a family.
At the time, I even hosted a guy on Couchsurfing .
It was strange and joyful and intimate in its chaos.
That was over six months ago. I think we started seeing each other in September.
Sex pulled us together like a magnet.
But for him, sex isn’t penetration.
Not woman. Not man.
It’s the deep creation of desire.
It’s a wave that wipes you clean.
It’s arousal that can’t be faked.
It’s a body that speaks to yours.
It’s his cock in your throat — the one you’ve been waiting for.
It’s his predatory gaze, and he knows: you’re already under him.
A stunning fusion of the masculine and feminine.
He knows everything.
He feels everything.
He can wear a skirt, and I’ll want him more than anyone in a crisp button-down.
He can cook dinner with such feminine grace and still, the veins on his arms, the tension of his muscles, make me dizzy.
He’s not the embodiment of all my fantasies.
Not the “man of my dreams.”
But I dream of being his friend forever.
I dream of understanding the love he seems to feel for the world.
I don’t know much.
I don’t know what makes him cry.
I don’t know what breaks him.
But when he’s near, I feel calm.
I know his attention is on me.
I know he’ll hear.
He won’t drift off.
And he’ll be there, if I need him.
This is gratitude.
Gratitude for our accidental meeting.
For intimacy and understanding with no contract.
That you can simply be no “we,” no “tomorrow,” no plans.
Now that my world is falling apart every day, I don’t need plans together
I need a moment that stays on my skin, stays in my memories, and I can breathe.
Thank you.
Mariia