by Bill Tope & Doug Hawley
Dear Eric,
After reading your recent prose submission, I have concluded that you should be enshrined in the Shitty Fiction Writers Hall of Shame. Don’t submit again. I’m tempted to take my vows and become a nun, just to ease the psychological discomfort your work has caused me.
Mary Bluto, Ed.,
Prose is Us Magazine
_______
Forward
Dear Reader:
Regarding the preceding letter, in the second decade of the 21st century, following retirement, I embarked on a writing career as part of my Second Act. Recently, I compiled the following compendium of letters from literally more than 4,000 rejection letters and other pieces of correspondence I received from editors, publishers and literary agents over the previous five years. They emanated mostly from the so-called Small Press which, according to my resource coordinator Professor Google, number in the mid-five figures.
Sometimes I felt as if I’d received the brunt of crossness or indifference or bafflement from each and every one. Often, I was surprised. So, in no particular order, because I archived them at random, here are the most singular epistles that I have received to date. Because most venues are online, the letters came in as emails. I didn’t want to write this at first, but my therapist insisted that it would be a good idea.
Sincerely,
Eric Dweet,
Once-aspiring writer
_______
(Some were short but not so sweet; they got right to the point)
Dear Eric:
I found your plot confusing, your dialogue stilted and your language immature. Better luck next time. Keep submitting!
Alicia Strop, EIC,
Suck Off Magazine
_______
Dear Dweet:
I wish you hadn’t written this piece. I say that because I had dinner shortly before reading it and I vomited up an otherwise delicious meatloaf and mashed potatoes. Don’t hesitate to submit again.
Allen Griesedick,
Editor and Publisher,
Get Lost Journal
_______
(Some editors were even more aggressive)
Dear Eric (Or should I say, Shit for Brains?):
In the first place, you are two words over limit, you flaccid little shitheel. Can’t you count? 1000 words is not an arbitrary figure, you know. There is a reason for it. The reason is none of your damn business, you literary parasite. Why don’t you save me the trouble in the future and just drink Drano tonight?
Martha Smelt,
Underpaid Slush Pile Reader,
Jaded Journal
_______
(A blossoming romance?)
Eric (may I call you Eric?),
I’ll have to be honest with you: I didn’t like your story very much. However, I was very much intrigued by your photo. I didn’t really expect a candid shot. I mean, frontal nudity? Naughty boy! Be still my heart. If you’d like to get together the next time you’re in Milwaukee, I’d love to “accomodate” you. (I think that’s what they’re calling it now). Check out my own photo, why dontcha? That’s a new bikini. Attached, please find my number. Go get ’em, Tiger! As far as the fiction goes, maybe we can work something out (wink, wink).
Maeve Henderson,
Editor and Publisher,
Come ‘n Get ’em Mag.
_______
Hi Eric,
I sincerely hope that your own sex life outstrips that of the misshapen, cardboard characters in your miserable prose. Some women do orgasm, you know. Have you ever been on a real date or had a non-inflatable lover? What are you, eleven? Try us again.
Minnie Maus,
Editor and Princess,
Bloodletting Magazine
_______
Dear Eric Dweet,
After careful perusal by our team of talented, intrepid readers, we have decided that, unfortunately, we will have to pass on your literary creation. You’ll doubtless progress in the mastery of your craft as you advance in your career. This was your first story, correct? Anyway, don’t take it personally. I don’t. We are all writers too, you know.
Sincerely,
Stoney Bishop,
Chief Cook and Bottle Washer,
Green Catsup Magazine
_______
Dear Writer,
You are receiving this email because you 1) made an inquiry to this magazine; 2) submitted a story or a poem or an essay or CNF; or 3) have filed legal action against this publishing enterprise. In the first two instances, please bear in mind that we do not regularly answer emails; in the latter case, blow it out your asshole, you miserable prick. Do you know how much pressure I’m under here with the wrongful death lawsuit and…never mind.
Penelope Potter
Stand-in Editor,
Wun-Hung-Lo Magazine
_______
Dear Eric,
We regret to inform you that Halitosis Magazine is on hiatus and will remain so for the foreseeable future. In fact, the publication is in receivership. Please be advised that your $20 submission fee is non-refundable. Whattaya want from me, the world? I got enough problems just making rent.
Patricia Sarnes,
Editor in Chief,
Halitosis Magazine
_______
(More romance?)
Hello there,
May I tell you a secret? I found your story both exhilarating and poignant, both Romanesque and prescient, both sultry and ball-bustingly bad. I see that like me, you’re from Oregon. Do you know Lake Oswego?I think we should meet up and discuss…literary things…in person. Do you like Drambuie? How about it, handsome, are you game? Rrrow
Barron Swish,
Editor in Chief,
Flamer Magazine
_______
(Oh, Lord!)
Dear Eric:
I want to sincerely thank you for allowing our staff the opportunity to read your exceptional prose. It is not often that my breath is taken away by an unsolicited submission. However, that was the case in this instance. Now comes the bad news: I am afraid that we are unable to publish your story at this time. This is decidedly not a negative appraisal of your work, which undoubtedly entailed long hours of earnest effort. Frankly, it is out of our hands. Thank you, Eric, and I pray to God that you find a worthy home for your story. Best wishes and God bless you, my son.
Sincerely,
The Rev. Thomas Goins
Editor, Wanger Magazine
_______
Dear Mr. Dweet,
I am in receipt of your reply to my rejection of your submission to Listless Choice Magazine. Apparently you’ve mistaken our editorial team for employees at a daycare center or a psychiatric facility. We are NOT your sherpas and if you can’t tolerate the occasional gentle rebuff, then perhaps you’d best not venture into the dog-eat-dog world of competitive fiction publishing. Good day, sir.
Sincerely,
Luci Ricardo
Editor, Listless Choice Magazine
_______
Dear Eric,
Thanks for sending along your story. After reading the first paragraph of the first page, I realized that it was nothing that I couldn’t live without. Which saved me from reading the next 17 pages. so it’s win-win, am I right? Take care and write something better next time, alright?
Chuck Carlisle,
Editor, Southern Cross Journal
_______
Dear Eric,
I appreciate getting the opportunity to read your story. And it was alright, so far as it went. But, nothing much happened, fella. I mean, next time you sub this magazine, have the MC blow the head off his cheating girlfriend with a shotgun, okay? I mean, I’m a meat and potatoes kind of gal and you’re too literary, you know? Submit again, but wait three months–and do more action and shit!
Patricia Barnes,
Editor, Blue Mama Magazine
_______
(Party guy)
Dear Eric,
I am so fucking sorry I didn’t get back to you in the time frame I promised in the guidelines. You prolly want to kick my fucking ass, man, and you got a right. I mean, I got like 200 manuscripts to fucking go through and I don’t which hole to fuck, you know what I mean? I knew you’d understand, man. Youse good people. Oh, and the story? I hated it, man. Better luck next time.
Your pot smokin’ buddy,
Ramone Torres,
Editor, Stay Wasted magazine
_______
(What was really on his mind?)
Mr. Eric Dweet,
I enjoyed your flash fiction very much, sir. It was engaging and I soon found myself enraptured by the cogent plot, the striking dialogue and the ephemeral imagery that can only be conjured by a wordsmith on the cusp of greatness. I am not rejecting your piece outright, Eric, but would like to offer you a timeless chance to expand your literary horizons by taking you under my wing and providing my personalized tutelage. I don’t proffer this opportunity to every writer, Eric. I can’t afford to. I do it at great personal sacrifice to myself, but I see in you something that I feel my own mentor must have seen in me 30 years ago. For the ridiculously low price of only $200 per hour of remote instruction, you can soon join the ranks of published writers. Then you can call yourself a pro. Get back to me soon at this email address, as this is a limited-time offer.
Sincerely,
Charlie Fishead,
Editor, Up Yours! Magazine
_______
(Culture shock)
Dear Mr. Dweet,
I hope this day finds you well. I received your children’s story and I was rather taken aback. Violence was integral to the plot. And you must be aware that the death of a character is anathema to a story for children under the age of 10. I admit to feeling a little uncomfortable myself, reading about a cat character who systematically killed the mice characters by running them through a bullet blender. The execution-style killing of the cat by mice Ninja assassins was no less unpalatable. And to top it all off, you purloined a world-famous cartoon superhero to exterminate the cat, the mice, the lot, by running over them with a lawnmower. You should perhaps try to market your fiction to an outlet that specializes in animal sadism, but as far as I know, there are none. Good day, sir. Submit again.
Miles Darbish,
Editor, Toons ‘n Such Magazine
_______
(Yikes! Wrong number)
Dweet –
Perhaps you didn’t read the submission guidelines in their entirety. I say that to give you credit for being able to read. How else to explain your submission of what amounts to a racist, misogynistic screed? Let me spell it out to you: WE ARE A BLACK, LESBIAN, TRANSGENDER, EAST ASIAN, MUSLIM SEPARATIST JOURNAL. You dipstick! And submitting fan fiction from Baywatch does nothing to cement your reputation around here. You got the wrong demographic, pal!
Butch,
Editor, Black Lavender Journal
_______
(A problem of language)
Good morning Eric,
I wanted to respond to your submission by saying that, while it is quite true we accept translations of non-English pieces into English, we do not accept non-translated other-language works. Your story seems to fall through the cracks in that respect. I’m sorry, but we have no editor on staff who reads pig-Latin. Might I suggest Up Yours! Magazine; you may have better luck there. The editor at Up Yours! is proficient in pig-Latin; in fact. he received his MFA instruction in that language. All the best.
Carlos Diego,
Editor, Frankly My Dear Zine
_______
(Hurry up and wait)
Dear Eric,
We are very grateful for the opportunity to read your work. We know how hard it is to actuate the creative process, as we, too, are writers. We receive an inordinate number of submissions per month and so are unable to print everything we get. It is with regret that we inform you that we will unfortunately not be able to publish your prose in the next issue of Eat Shit! Magazine. Please Note: your manuscript was in fact 3 words over the 5,000 word limit and therefore automatically disqualified for inclusion in ESM. Your exclusion is not a reflection of your talent or the value of your work. We give every submission our rapt attention and it is read by at least 14 editors before a decision is made in a 5-step process. We encourage you to continue to write and to submit to ES Mag for inclusion in future issues. Kindly wait at least 30 months before your next submission, to allow us the opportunity to reject everyone.
Sincerely,
The Editorial Team of Eat Shit! Magazine
_______
(A helpful referral)
Dear Eric Dweet,
We appreciate your interest in Rectal Exam Journal, but unfortunately, you misspelled the editor’s name in your cover letter, and that, son, is just not done. And in our guidelines, contributors were explicitly called upon to summon their Paramahansa Yogananda; however, you could do no better than Meister Eckhart or perhaps Edward Kelly. In fact, it appeared for much of the text that you were in fact channeling Emmett Kelly. Perhaps in future you will solicit a publisher from, say the Weekly Reader or from Spiderman comic books. You’ll allow me my little joke, yes?
Sally Hanley,
Editor in Chief,
Rectal Exam Journal
_______
Dear Mr. Dweet,
I fail to understand your motivation for sending to a YA humor magazine a story whose plot revolves around the incarceration of an elderly man by his young wife in a retirement community known as The Village. The part where she has chained him to the frame of a waterbed I found particularly unsettling. I am afraid we also might suffer claims of copyright infringement from the BBC for their 1969 mini-series, “The Prisoner.” Frankly, I don’t need the headaches. Besides, it’s not even funny.
Yours truly,
Elmer Bankhurst.
Editor-in-Chief,
Giggle Ezine
_______
(Sorry, my bad)
Dear Eric,
Please disregard the email that you received from us several days ago. We have been inundated with submissions for our annual micro-fiction competition and well, mistakes were made. Foremost among them was the awarding of second place to your story in our contest. When the votes were retallied, you did not win second prize. In fact, you did not place at all; not even an honorable mention. If you are interested in this sort of data, you finished in 434th place among 461 contributors. Please return the $100 Macy’s gift card we mailed you. To fail to do so would constitute fraud. We have our eye on you, Mister!
Phyllis Hamm,
CFO,
Flasher Magazine
_______
(Another chance of a lifetime)
Hi Eric,
Your new story didn’t make the cut either, I’m afraid. As you know by this time, each story is read by at least five of our assistant editors and slush pile readers. Good news: you did get one “yes” vote this time, so not so bad; better than last time. I really appreciate your writing comments on the stories that do get published, but you need to work on your spelling. For a limited time only, Up Yours! Magazine is offering a computer-aided instruction course you may be interested in: it’s a tutorial on spelling. It’s called “The 500 Most Confounding Spelling Mistakes You Can Make and How to Avoid Them.” It’s available till the end of business today for just $175. Keep writing, Eric.
Charlie Fishead,
Editor and Publisher,
Up Yours! Magazine
_______
Dear Eric,
I’m going to be totally honest with you by telling you I did not appreciate your faux outrage and your snarky comments about one of my author’s stories. I’m talking, of course, about “Beef on the Hoof,” and the admittedly edgy, but fully mainstream plot element of cannibalism. I don’t know where you’ve been, Eric, but in today’s fictive world, the consumption of human flesh is de rigueur. So get with it, Eric, and take your head out of your butt. As punishment for your misdeeds, I am rejecting your story out of hand. I didn’t like it anyway.
Sincerely,
Ujjwal Patel
Editor and Founder,
Mouthful Magazine
_______
Dear Eric,
Thank you for your submission. However, I believe you either misread the submissions guidelines or failed to understand them. We at AGM don’t tolerate racism, sexism, ableism, conservatism, liberalism, activism, egoism, autism, nativism, politicism, onanism, socialism, emotionalism, food, sex, religion, nature, life or death. Any other themes you’re free to explore. Thanks for the submission, Eric, and please submit again.
Valerie Mignon, Ed.
Anything Goes Magazine
_______
Hi, Mr. Dweet,
This email is in response to your query respecing submission guidelines, which at present are not online in their entirety. We publish two issues per year. Submissions will be read between Aug. 1 and Aug. 3 in the summer and on Christmas Day each winter. We get pretty backed up, so response times tend to be delayed. Expect to wait for 12-18 months for a reply. However, if the answer is no, then we will not respond. We advise you to monitor our website for the next year and a half to see if your work shows up. If no, then you probably didn’t make the cut. We do not take multiple or simultaneous submissions, so submit once and then sit on your hands for a while. However, we DO take reprints, so long as the work was published at least 20 years before and was published in a Cyrillic language (e.g., Russian, Bulgarian, Macedonian) or in a cuneiform alphabet. We can’t wait to get our hot little hands on your work!
Edie Winfrow,
Editor, Obtuse Magazine
_______
(As simple as that)
Dear Eric,
Thank you for your inquiry into what we most want to publish. It’s really quite simple. We want your hybrid, changeling creations. Your freest and most familiar forms melting into one another. Missives from the shifting terrains and refrains you’ve found. Your most mercurial work, your sleight of hand, and whatever paradox you can manage to pin down. We want the dulcet tones and soft susserations encompassing your very soul. What are you without form?
Melody Verse,
Editor, Lyrical Prose Magazine
_______
Dear Mr. Dweet,
I reviewed the emails pertinent to your alleged submission of short fiction of Oct. 3. As I said last time, we did agree to publish, with a tentative date set for Nov. 5. In your most recent message you indicated that it has now been over 200 days since we accepted you for publication. That much is true. We promised to publish your story on Nov. 5. However, we did not say in what year. So, ha-ha, bet you didn’t think of that, did you? Also, I see that you indicated this is a reprint. Suckass Press does not do reprints. Therefore, consider your story withdrawn from consideration. You are free to submit it elsewhere. Best wishes.
Sincerely,
Harold Haney, Editor,
Suckass Press
_______
(Banished!)
Mr. Dweet.
The editorial team at LS Magazine has reached a decision regarding your repeated untoward comments on other writers’ works and in particular your unrelenting criticism of the editors. Essentially, we have decided to remove your daily comments over the past six months. So consider yourself erased. Moreover, we will not review your additional three submissions, as your previous efforts have failed to meet our minimal standards. We feel it best all around to terminate this relationship at once. Perhaps you should consider enrolling in anger management classes.
Sincerely,
Hugo Crank, Editor
LS Magazine
_______
Eric,
Thanks for the sub. Your story, “The Fun House,” will not be published in DD&C magazine. Frankly, I found the stigmatizing use of the fat lady character offensive. Also, referring to the height-challenged rioters as “midgets” is uncalled for. They are called “little people.” Also, the final scene, in the car as the couple drive back into town, shows the woman eager to return to the carnival. After nearly being killed, to want to return is preposterous.
Janet K.
Editor in Chief
DD&C magazine
_______
Dear Eric Dweet.
We were delighted to receive your detailed query regarding our Annual Avant-Garde Fiction Competition. Allow me to expand on the somewhat minimalist guidelines posted on our website:
What are we looking for? Experimentation with form and structure. such as fragmented narratives or non-linear storytelling. Play with the language. Use unconventional syntax, unpunctuated dialogue or stream-of-consciousness narration. Focus on subjective character experience and turn traditional notions of plot, character development and narrative resolution on its head.
Eric, we don’t expect you to instantly morph into James Joyce or Virgina Woolf or Samuel Beckett, but these pillars of Avant-Garda prose should give you something to shoot for.
Shirley Wiemers, Ed.,
A Vantgarde Journal
_______
Dear Eric Dweet,
Picayune Journal explicitly states in the submissions guidelines that all material is to be formatted according to Shunn. We feel it is essential to have a header on each page, in which the title, author’s name, word count and contact information is contained. You’d be surprised how confusing it can get in a busy office when dealing even with a 3-page story such as yours. Kindly reformat and submit again. I’ll give you until this evening.
Regards.
Suzie Sweetin, Ed.
Picayune Mag.
_______
Dear Aspiring Scribe:
Per your request, please find the following submission guidelines for Crud Magazine. We wish you well in your writing career. Don’t be a stranger.
Eddie LaPlant,
Crud Magazine Editor
Submission Guidelines
We accept submissions through our electronic submissions portal and although Crud Magazine is not a paying outlet, we are for profit, and so we change $15 for each submission. Multiple Submissions: you may submit up to six documents in each genre, but you must make a separate submission for each document and consequently pay a separate fee each time.
Submissions may be made in the following categories: General Submissions, Weekly Crud, Crud of the Week, 7-Day Crud, and Crud of the Month. An anthology will be published at year’s end, titled The Cruddiest Crud, and will be on sale in December for $175.
File forms: Manuscript must be typed, in one of the following file forms: .doc, .docx, .pdf, Egyptian hieroglyphics, cuneiform or runes. Reading Fees: while Crud Magazine does not charge for the periodical we do charge a reading fee of $15 per submission. Please Note: The reading fee and the submission fee are separate, individual liabilities.
Formatting Your Manuscript: All manuscripts must be in 3-point Times New Roman font, with at least three-inch margins and randomly-numbered pages. Fiction and non-fiction should be triple-spaced. Poetry should be typed in invisible ink. The author’s name, address, phone number, email address, Social Security Number, passwords and bank transaction codes should be typed at the top of each page. Contributors are asked to include the private telephone number of each buxom, well-traveled female of their acquaintance.
Simultaneous submissions and response times: Simultaneous submissions are NOT allowed. In fact, we probably won’t publish your story/poem anyway, even should it be a singular, unique and exclusive submission. Response times vary from 18-26 months. DO NOT contact after that time, no matter what! We mean it!
Reading Period: Crud Magazine’s reading period is 1am to 3am, Saturday, September 31, 2024. Submissions received outside this reading period will be smeared with dogshit and set afire. This means you!
Word Count Guidelines
Prose:
Short Short Story — Manuscripts must be no more than 1 word. Please check your work with our archives, as we do not accept duplicate publications or reprints.
Short Story — At least 2 and no more than 10,000 words.
Crud Drabble (Cruddle) — Must be precisely 100 1/2 words.
Poetry:
Crud Poetry submissions may be either Awdl Gywydd or Byr a Thoddaid Poems and should be written in the traditional Welsh. Your submissions should give a strong sense of style and range; remember: Crud is the word.
One-Act Plays, Screenplays, Podcasts, etc.:
We don’t screw around with any of this shit, so don’t send it or it will be returned unread, and with a computer virus attached.
NOTE: the next issue is themed. The theme for February is HORSESHIT. Where does it come from, what does it do, what impact does it have on our daily lives, our environment, our culture? We regard our themes in the broadest sense to give our writers free rein to explore the existential elements contained therein.
We nominate for Pushcart Prize and for Best of the Net.
_______
(Finally, after getting a few publications under my belt, I took the plunge and submitted a novel)
Dear Eric Dweet,
Thank you for your wonderful submission. We loved the pace, the imagery, and the characters. This could be turned into a blockbuster book and movie and TV mini-series.
I swooned for the dashing Jorga. So handsome, so romantic. He could be tender and hot with Xenia. I blushed at some of the dialogue and what I assumed happened behind closed doors. He may have worn Xenia out, but in a good way. I could really identify with the way she adored him.
I don’t want to imply that the romance element is the only good part of your book. I loved the adventure they had stowing away on a freighter to aid the freedom fighters trying to save Takanda from the Russians. I got chills from the chapter that followed them sneaking into the Russian base disguised as soldiers. I cherish the scene of them looking back at the base being destroyed in flames, and was warmed at the toast given to them by Takanda’s president as he presented them with “Heroes Of Takanda” medals.
This brings me to the painful part of my decision. We found a comma on page 197 which should have been a semicolon. On page 52, “Poughkeepsie” was misspelled. Taken together, these lapses force us to decline your mostly-excellent book.
All is not lost! We would look upon a slightly revised submission with great favor. Obviously you would first need to correct those two egregious grammar errors. Second, we ask you to make some minor changes to make your story a better fit with our readership. Xenia is not a character that resonates with our target audience. They appreciate a more middle-American type, say fortyish and less “ethnic,” perhaps less model-beautiful. Maybe forty-five, graying, five foot three, a hundred and fifty pounds.
I look forward to reviewing your revised book. I’m predicting best seller.
Julie Jones, Editor,
Exotic Romance Publishing Co.
_______
Afterward
After some misgivings, I finally rewrote the book. It was published, but it didn’t win a Nobel Prize for Literature or a Pulitzer or a National Book Award. Oprah didn’t like it and neither did the National Book Critics Circle. It did sell 1,100 hard copies and a like amount of Kindle issues.
At around the same time, I was nominated for a Pushcart Prize for a short story I wrote, but the editor who nominated me finally came clean and told me he’d done it as a joke, in order to show how ridiculous literary honors are. I gave up writing. Now I spend my free time working in the village park, where I divest trees of encroaching English ivy. It’s not very stimulating, but in all, it’s a fair way to occupy my time. And nobody writes me letters criticizing me for the way I do it.
Eric Dweet
Salem, Oregon Park Maintenance
_______
Postscript
After two years of pursuing the wily English ivy through brush and blind, I got terrifically bored and decided to come out of retirement. I was shocked at how, over the course of the previous seven years, things had changed. Short story writers and poets now constituted an entirely new cottage industry and proved ripe for the picking. It was in service to a client that I penned the following message:
Dear Twisted Arm Magazine:
I fear I have some bad news for you. I must reject your rejection of my recent submission of “Over The Clothesline,” and I must be brutal. You claim to “regret” your rejection; then why not accept it? Your “regret” is trite. All of you mid- or lower-level pubs typically“regret.” If you reject this one, why should I take your cliché offer to me to submit more stories? Am I suddenly going to become a better writer? Will there be a new set of editors more “accepting” of my prose? Seems unlikely.There is nothing original in your rejection.
Your letter mentions favoring young non-cisgender female authors. Unfortunately for me, the photo you required from me reveals an elderly man in bed engaged in a tricky maneuver with a nubile young woman. Therefore, I fear I’m outside the bounds of your target audience in any case.
But, you have a more serious problem. Your rejection letter is in every regard identical to a rejection from Kneepads Magazine except for the name of the rejectee–me. It should interest your legal team to learn that I’m not only a writer, but I’m the attorney of record for Kneepads, which has copyrighted their rejection template. I’ll see you in court. I will advise my client to expect to receive a substantial settlement from your publishing house.
Sincerely,
Eric Dweet, Esq.
Dweet, Dweet and Sulzberger, Ltd.