by Douglas Young
Moxley Sorrel’s office door was the open one. As intimidated as he had been in college approaching a professor, Dr. Sorrel did all he could to make students feel comfortable getting help with a course, continuing a compelling class discussion, asking for advice on a major or what courses to take, or just to chat or say “Hey.” He enjoyed students and welcomed a break from reading, writing, grading, or whatever work he was doing. Almost all the students were sweet, several could be quite amusing, and many just needed a confidence boost.
Whenever a student was unpleasant or taxed his patience, Moxley reminded himself how troubled he was in college and that teaching and mentoring students was his job. Other faculty offices’ blinds were drawn, their door’s little window papered over, and each door shut tight even when the light was on inside and the professor was clearly there. Students knew how much most professors really wanted to see them. Moxley vowed always to have his office blinds all the way up, his door window clear, and the door open wide.
Ensconced reading on his computer that afternoon, he was slightly startled by the hesitant knock at the door. Turning to see who it was, he immediately smiled at Blossom Porter, one of his most pleasant students whose happy, wide-eyed curiosity during lectures always lifted his mood. The tall and pretty brunette-blonde had a joyful demeanor that made the world better, and Moxley relished their chats for her enthusiastic frankness.
“Didn’t mean to startle you,” she said with a feigned smile. “Should I come back later?”
“No. Not at all. Come on in. I was just lost in reading but could use a break. Have a seat.” He stood and gestured across his desk to the chair for guests.
He sensed something was amiss since she looked at the floor, moved slowly, and stayed silent.
“What can I do for you, Miss Blossom?” He raised his head with a jovial expression to try to pick up her spirits.
“Well, I just got out of Professor Ewing’s class—”
“Get a good nap?” he asked, recalling how bored he was whenever enduring a presentation by his colleague. “Talk about being guilty of boring in the first degree.”
While relieved she finally flashed a genuine smile, he noted it quickly vanished and she normally would have erupted in laughter.
“I was just wondering if you could please answer a couple of questions before next week’s test,” she asked softly. He was struck by the contrast with her usual strong and confident voice.
“Fire away, dear.” He leaned back in his chair.
Hesitating, she gradually opened her notebook and asked a few questions about recent lectures. He enthusiastically explained what she needed to know for the test, trying to make the material as intriguing as possible. Nodding, she wrote much slower than usual and only faintly smiled at his funny anecdotes despite typically laughing louder than anyone in class.
She still wrote in her notebook for a minute after he finished talking and, for the first time that semester, he felt some tension with her since she normally would continuously juggle talking, smiling, and laughing. Instead, she stared intently at her notebook and quietly wrote. When finished, she gradually looked up to offer a weak smile and a thank you.
“Is there anything else I can help you with?” he asked, hoping to cheer her up. “I hope you’re not worried about the test. You did really well on the last one and you appear to be taking a lot of notes. Don’t stress over this, Blossom.”
“No. Thanks. I’m not,” she said softly looking at his bookshelves. “Not over that anyway….”
For the first time in the few months they had known each other, he felt her emanate a keen anxiety mixed with exhaustion or even depression, in total contrast to her usual ebullience. Recalling the intense loneliness that haunted his student days, he did not want her to leave looking so down and alone.
“Are you all right?” he asked gently.
“I guess,” she replied looking at the floor. “Or as all right as I’ll ever be, or deserve to be.”
He paused to study her face as she stared at her hands.
“Blossom, if there’s anything I can help you with, I hope you’ll tell me. It’s pretty plain to see that something’s sure troubling you. Does it have anything to do with the class?”
“No, no.” she shook her head, looked back up at the bookshelves, and sighed, something he had never heard from her. “Something else.”
“Is there someone you can talk with about it?” he asked.
She blinked and shrugged her shoulders. “Yeah, I guess.”
“Well, whatever you’re fretting about, I’m confident you’ll lick it. You’ve gotten through everything else, haven’t you?” He smiled. With her face still frozen in sadness, he tried again.
“As Ronald Reagan’s favorite president, Calvin Coolidge, said, ‘If you see ten troubles coming down the road, you can be sure that nine will run into the ditch before they reach you.’”
“Mine already ran over me,” she replied drily.
“You must be pretty torn up about it, sure enough, since this is the longest I’ve ever seen you go without smiling, and by far.”
“I’m sorry,” she said barely above a whisper while glancing at him and smiling weakly.
“No. You have nothing for which to apologize, Blossom.” He waved his hands. “I’m just trying to cheer you up and let you know I’m here if ever you need any help or just to talk.”
“Thanks, but you might not think much of me if I did.”
“Nonsense,” he declared with a surprised frown. “Good Lord, child. You’re such a lovely young lady who’s working hard and doing very well, and you’ve got a fantabulous future ahead of you.”
She looked at his eyes to intuit if she could trust him. He returned what he hoped was his most empathetic expression, suddenly realizing this was his day’s most important work. As she looked at him intently, he held her gaze, blinked, raised his eyebrows, and smiled a little, hoping to reassure her that she would be okay and he would never think less of her.
“I had an abortion,” she said in a distant voice, her eyes still locked on his as he noticed her chest rise and fall.
When she said no more, he nodded and got up to do something he almost never did. He closed the door. Returning to his seat, he made a point of patting her slumped shoulder as she looked at her feet. Early that term she talked of living with her boyfriend and his mother, but he also remembered she was only 19 and had spoken of her religiously strict family. When she stayed silent, he spoke.
“Blossom, I still think every bit as highly of you.” She looked at him again with the trace of a silent laugh as he smiled at her.
“Thanks. I’m glad someone still does.” she raised her eyebrows.
“Aw, everyone does who really knows or loves you.”
“I doubt that,” she responded in a stronger voice. He thought he detected a hint of anger.
“Is Todd not supportive? You’ve always said how good he’s been to you. Is he giving you a hard time?”
“No … not too much.” She frowned. “He didn’t like it. But he could’ve been a lot worse.”
“I know y’all live in his mother’s house. Is she upset?”
“Oh, she doesn’t know – no way.” She shook her head emphatically.
“And she doesn’t have to. If you think it could harm y’all’s relationship, she doesn’t ever need to know,” he noted as she shook her head again.
“Todd wanted to go ahead and get married and start a family.” She looked at the desk. “He’s 28 and I’m sure if I was that old I probably would too, but I just turned 19 and I really want to be the first person in my whole family tree ever to get a college degree,” she stressed looking up at him. “You see, Dr. Sorrel, my momma started college but then got pregnant with my oldest sister and dropped out and never went back, and then each of my sisters went to college but got pregnant and left too. Neither’s gone back and I reckon they never will.” She looked resigned.
“Todd just doesn’t understand,” she continued. “He never went to college and is in construction, like Daddy, and they both make good money. But I’m a girl, Dr. Sorrel. I can’t do that. I just so want to make something of myself.”
“Sure. Of course, you do.” He nodded.
“I don’t know what yet.” She shrugged and threw up her hands. “But I know I don’t want to be like all the other women in my family. I mean – don’t get me wrong – I love ’em all dearly. They’re my closest kin, and I so adore all my cute little nieces and nephews. But I just really think I can get a college degree and do some things … have some chances that nobody in my family’s ever had.”
“That’s wonderful, Blossom. Thoroughly commendable. And it is your life, dear.”
“Thank you, Dr. Sorrel,” she said with a nod and a tired smile.
“Has your family supported your pursuing a degree?”
“Oh, yeah.” She nodded eagerly. “They’ve been telling everybody how ‘Blossom’s gon’ be the first one ever to get a college degree. Who’d a-ever guessed it’d be the baby of the family?’ Laurie and Zara are a lot older and were both cheerleaders and on the homecoming court. So, other than being ‘the runt of the litter,’ the only way I’ve ever stood out was being pretty good at school. So the last thing in the world I ever wanted was to disappoint Momma and Daddy like my sisters did when they dropped out of college.”
“And you haven’t and you won’t.” He raised his head and paused. “Might your folks be supportive of your … decision?”
“Good Lord, no.” She looked at him surprised and shook her head furiously. “Remember we’re Baptists and Daddy even preaches sometimes when the pastor’s away. They’d be shocked.”
“Really?” he asked. “They do know you live with your beau, and have for a while, right?”
“Yeah, but they don’t like it.” She rolled her eyes before her face slowly went blank. “And this is different … way worse.” She widened her eyes before looking down at her folded hands.
“Well, how ‘shocked’ could they be that you got pregnant living with your boyfriend? Or do you tell them y’all have separate bedrooms?” he barely managed to get out before laughing. “Sorry.”
“No.” She looked up at him and briefly giggled for the first time that day. “And Momma and Daddy were real excited when Laurie and Zara got pregnant, and neither of them was married either, and each was living with her future husband. And’s that another thing.” She sighed. “I was really hoping to be the first girl in the family – maybe the whole family tree – not to have a shotgun wedding.”
“And you still can,” he emphasized with a smile. “You’ve told me you want to marry Todd.” She nodded. “If your folks know that, maybe they’ll accept y’all living together more. For a long time now, most American couples have before they wed. Do your parents know y’all intend to marry?”
“Oh, yeah, and they like him and support us getting hitched. Todd would love for us to go ahead, but I still want to finish my education first.”
“A wise move indeed – especially since you just turned nineteen. So many coeds who marry drop out, have children, and never go back to school or, if they do, not until the last child has flown the nest.”
“Exactly. Thank you. That’s what I keep telling Todd.”
Cautiously, he spoke again. “Do you think you might feel better if you talked – confidentially, of course – with your minister?”
She gave him a look that exclaimed, “Are you nuts?” before he raised his hand, nodded, and looked at the desk suppressing a chuckle.
“Well, how about your sisters?” he asked. “Surely, they might understand what you’re going through, and better than anyone.”
“Maybe.” She took a deep breath. “But I can see them giving me a real hard time for not making the same call they did. You see, their hearts were never into going to college. They just went ’cause Momma and Daddy thought they should. The minute they got pregnant, they told everyone, all excited to plan the wedding and baby room.”
He paused, clasping his hands under his chin. “So are Todd and I the only people you’ve told about this?” he inquired.
“Y’all are it,” she said evenly and sighed.
“Well, I’m right honored, and you’re welcome to stop by anytime, Blossom. If you’d like the benefit of a professional, any sessions at the campus counseling office would be free, and those folks are so nice. Most of them are ladies too. And, Blossom, not to minimize your pain one iota, but I guarantee you that they have all counseled many, many girls going through exactly what you are. In fact, nothing you say to them is going to surprise them in the least – and I have complete confidence that they will support, encourage, and help you in every way they can. You don’t have to face this all by yourself, dear.”
Looking at him, she blinked and nodded. “Thank you. That means a lot, and I really appreciate it,” she said. After a pause, she looked at his desk.
“But I don’t know if I deserve any help.”
“What?” he exclaimed.
“My church says I’ve committed a mighty terrible sin. Maybe God won’t forgive me, and shouldn’t. Maybe I let my selfish pride wanting to be the first Porter ever to get a degree trump doing what’s right.” Sighing deeply, she descended further down the same path. “And now I have to live with that for the rest of my life.”
He intertwined his fingers on the desk and leaned forward.
“Blossom, look at me.” She did with her bleakest expression yet. He swallowed before speaking. “Now I know you’re feeling a world of guilt and actually wondering if God will even forgive you, and I don’t know what that church of yours or y’all’s pastor or your parents have ever said to you about abortion or what or who they think God will forgive. But when I read my Bible, it sure strikes me that our God is a mighty merciful and forgiving Father who loves us all dearly, including you. I think it’s in Ephesians 2:4 where the Apostle Paul writes, “But God, who is rich in mercy, for his great love wherewith he loved us.’
“Just look at all the folks in the Bible that God forgave who committed all kinds of sins – and far worse than any of yours.” He raised his head and eyebrows. “Adam and Eve broke the one command He gave them and yet He still forgave them and even let Adam live to be 930. Noah was a drunk, but God still chose him to build the Ark. Moses was a murderer, yet God still picked him to lead the Jews to the Promised Land. David not only committed adultery with Bathsheba, but even arranged for her husband to get killed in battle, yet God still kept him as the king of the Jews. When Christ was arrested, the disciples fled, and His favorite, Peter, even denied knowing Him – thrice. Yet Jesus still forgave them all and even kept Peter as the head of His church. And look at Paul, the man who persecuted so many Christians and actually helped execute some. Yet Christ forgave and saved him too, and Paul went on to write most of the New Testament.
“And if you’re worried about living with your boyfriend, look who God chose to help bring down the walls of Jericho – Rahab, a prostitute!
“Now, can you look at me and honestly say you still wonder whether God loves or forgives you for whatever sins you worry you’ve committed? Truly?”
She paused, blinked, and smiled at him. “Now that you put it that way, I guess not. Maybe there’s hope for me after all,” she said with a dry chuckle. For the first time that day, she showed a trace of her old self.
“As Pope John Paul II proclaimed, ‘Do not abandon yourselves to despair. We are the Easter people and hallelujah is our song,’” he noted.
“I ain’t Catholic, but I’ll sure take it,” she stated and sat up straighter.
He felt his own body loosen up and smiled. Not sure what to say next, he was relieved when she spoke.
“You don’t know how much I appreciate this, Dr. Sorrel. I sure feel a whole heap better than when I came in here. Thank you, sir. Thanks a lot.”
“Well, Miss Blossom, to see a flash of your electric smile and shining self again just made my day.” He nodded with a grin.
“Aw,” she said and shared her first heartfelt laugh of the day. “Well, I’ve taken up way too much of your time, and it’s – Good Lord! – well after five.” She quickly gathered up her notebook.
“‘Fear not,’ as the Good Book says, since I’m typically here well past this time anyway.”
To her perplexed look, he replied, “I guess I have no life” and laughed. As she gave a mock pout and began to stand up, his face got serious again and he raised his hand for her to sit down. Looking curious, she did.
“Blossom, before you go, I want to make just a couple of quick points if you have time.” She eagerly nodded.
“While I’m elated you’re feeling better now, remember that whenever we go through any crisis or intense emotional pain, we can’t just snap our fingers and make it vanish. You may still have all kinds of troubled feelings for some time.” She slowly nodded with raised eyebrows.
“So I do hope you’ll seriously consider going to the counseling office. Your tuition has already paid for any sessions there, and you’d likely have to pay hundreds of dollars just for one session with a shrink off campus.”
“I know. I will. Thanks.”
“And, Blossom, over the years a number of gals have sat in that same chair telling me essentially what you did, and every one of them got through it and went on to graduate, get married, and have children.”
“Aw,” she exclaimed. “Wonderful.”
“Especially once you become a mother, I suspect any lingering guilt you may have will quickly fade away. Indeed, you probably won’t have time to feel much guilt about anything. You’ll just be filled to the gills with motherhood.”
They stood chuckling, and Moxley did something he only did when convinced a student really needed it. He came around the desk to give her a hug. She eagerly embraced him. When he began to release her, she held on several more seconds. Sensing she was fighting back tears, he patted her back.
“You will get through this, Blossom,” he stated as she nodded forcefully. He kept his arm around her back as she regained her composure.
“I do want to be a mother–” she got out before wiping a tear as he rubbed her shoulder.
“Sure you do, and one day you will when you’re good and ready,” he replied. She nodded and tried to smile.
Hesitating, he lowered his voice and leaned forward. “In the meantime, please take whatever precautions are necessary so you never have to suffer through this again.”
“Amen,” she replied loudly with wide eyes and a big nod. “I’ll definitely see to that.”
“Good,” he responded with a chuckle, “and you can focus on earning that degree so you can choose to marry and have children whenever it’s best for you and Todd.”
“Yeah, I can be the first in the family to get ’em in the right order too,” she exclaimed with a grin.
“Cheers, and when you do have children, what a magnificent mom and family you and Todd will make,” he declared.
“Thanks. I’ll sure try.”
“It’ll be something else.”