The Rascal King and Cai the Bunny

[A Tale]

by Daniel de Culla

          This Rascal King was a king highly esteemed and admired by his people:

          Women admired him because he left every female who danced with him pregnant. As it could not be otherwise, to the woman who was flirting with him, he said:

-I have a fever, my love, that the fly passes through me. If you inflate and deflate it for me, I’ll give you a mansion with a pool and everything.

          Men esteemed him because of the filthy envy they had for seeing him enjoy carnal beauty night and day. Also, for seeing so many distinctions hanging on his chest: Necklace of the Golden Fleece; Grand Cross Plate of Charles III; Grand Cross Order of Alfonso XII; Plate of Grand Cross of Isabel la Católica; Plate of Grand Cross of Agricultural Merit; Great Cross Popular Charity Plate; and other insignia obtained by NATO mercenaries, given to him.

          His two royal whims: well, better three, were: the first of all, hunting: A bird that dared to fly across the royal palace was shot down, not by him, but by a vassal with fine aim who served him faithfully.

          Saying to his people at Christmas: -Bird that flies to the casserole, made him feel like a better king.

          Going to hunt elephants in Africa, this was imposed on him. It was his great passion. On the other hand, he always went to this Continent with a concubine.

          The second of his whims was: fighting bulls. Going to the plazas to see the bullfights and being acclaimed by the crowd, this turned him on.

          When a bullfighter offered him an ear or the tail of the animal, he told the bullfighter:

-You better give me a sister of yours, or one of your aunts.

          The third whim was to go racing in the waters of Galicia, carrying his boat with a white flag with a rampant and erect lion depicted on it. Sometimes, when he felt like doing water on the sea, his glans was cleaned with it.

          An event that occurred the day before Three Wise Men made him more popular:

“As some parents and their two children were watching the floats of the Kings’ Parade through the main street of the City, the black king was seen jumping from a float, sneaking through the people of the place like a soul in pain, or a king who has the desire to shit.

When the three kings, before the parade, riding on mules rather than camels, took a tour of the local houses to leave the children’s gifts next to the Christmas tree, Rascal King, who was the black king of the parade because he had smeared his face with charcoal to look like one, he became infatuated with “Cai the bunny” saying:

-I have to take this bunny to have fun with me.

Leaving his parents, as a consolation, an invitation for two people to go to the bullfights at the San Isidro festivities signed with: “Dear parents and children: I’m taking the rabbit. Stay with God. Next year I will return. Sincerely, the Black King.”

          How disconsolate for the parents and children when they returned home!

          Seeing the cage open and the bunny not being in it, what a great shame! The mother and the older child began to cry.

          The father took the invitation, exclaiming:

-What a fucking shit. He could have put it up his ass.

          Taking the little boy by the hand, he said:

-Come on, son, to the toilet, I’m going to throw this invitation down the toilet. You will flush the chain.

-Yes, Dad.

The Rascal King and Cai the Bunny

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